Jesus Journal: Show Me

November 8th, 1999

Well, it has been six days since I really spent some time with the Lord, and you know what?  It is showing in my life.  I have never been so stressed about so many things before.  All I want is so slow down life - take a few steps back and listen to Jesus - because He knows the answer to all my problems.

I wish I could see His plan in writing - like a script.  It would say what to do about ___ and ___, what to do about my major, where to live, where to go to church. . . I want so badly to feel comfort about all these things!  I know His plan is perfect.  I am so afraid that I am not following it right now.  I keep coming up with different plans. . . AGH!!  What is supposed to be, Lord - show me!!

I have always wanted to honor God.  Even as a kid my heart was bent toward Him.  Sometimes its funny, though, when I look back and read the passion I had and the depth of longing I communicated for following Him.  Its funny because some of my memories of life at that point betray the reality that I was a somewhat immature, self-centered young girl, too.

Honestly, some of the choices I made during the year when this was written are still kinda embarrassing.  There are times when I wish I could go back and have a redo - not because I want to change the ultimate outcome, but because I would get to this end a different way now.  I've grown up a little in the last 11 years.

The thing is, though, that part of growing up (for me, at least) was making some ridiculous choices.  Maturity is something we grow into, not something we're born with.  As much as I would like to deny this truth, I recognize that a lot of the foolishness in my past has resulted in the woman I am today.

But it is cool to look back and remember how badly I wanted to follow Jesus. . . even knowing now how often I screwed it up, its pretty awesome to know that my heart's deepest desire was for Christ.

You might be wondering what the blank spaces are all about.   Well, friends, those would be the names of two boys.  And you will never know them.  I may be totally comfortable opening my life up for you all to take a peak, but this is the world wide web, and even I know that some things aren't meant for the world to know. . .

One thing I can tell you for sure: when the deepest desire of your heart is to follow Jesus, He will get you there eventually.  The path might be bumpy, and you are guaranteed to make some mistakes, but He will get you there.

Looking back I realize that there were probably a bunch of different decisions I could have made that would still honor God.  It isn't so much about the specific path we choose as it is about the way we walk on the path we choose.  God can use different people, different majors, different apartments, and yes - even different boys, to draw us closer to Him and help us learn what it means to live for Him.

Ultimately, its the state of your heart, not the location of your bunk that makes the difference.

I wish I had known that back then, when I was so stressed about making the *right* decision. . . but like I said earlier, maybe part of learning this lesson was experiencing the angst and longing for specific direction from God. . .

I hope and pray that your hearts are beating for Christ; that the deepest longing in your hearts is to follow Jesus wherever you go.  And don't get too down on yourself if you make a few mistakes along the way, either.  In those moments just remember that God is working something out in you. . .  It may not be a pretty sight just yet, but He is making you into the woman He wants you to become. . . and His ultimate plan is beauty beyond imagination.

He's not finished with you yet.  And thanks be to God, He's not finished with me either. . .