You First

I wouldn't be a very good feminist.  Don't get me wrong - I definitely believe in equality when it comes to our place in society, government, and the like.  When we are talking about the worth of any human soul, I think it is wrong and disgusting to put one above any other.  We are all precious; every one created in the image of God.

But on a personal level, I don't think feminists would be too happy with me.  Its my view of marriage that I think might disturb them.  I have a very simple philosophy that I can sum up in this single sentence:

Everything I do ought to make Matt's life easier.

Marriage - to me - isn't about me.  Its about emptying myself for someone else.  Its about laying down my rights, my pride, and my self-centered attitude.  Its about going the extra mile to make my best friend feel like a million bucks - even if that means that things don't always appear fair. 

I know a lot of people exist in marriages where there is a checklist mentality.  If you get to do ___, then I deserve a chance to ___.  If I have to ____, then you should have to ___.  Just so long as everyone is exerting the same amount of effort and sacrifice, everything is all good. 

I suppose some marriages work quite fine that way, at least for a time.  But ultimately I don't think that perspective is going to foster a marriage that lasts a lifetime.  Why?

Because that isn't how we were designed to live.  We were made in the image of God; designed for a purpose and a plan that will ultimately fulfill us and bring us life's greatest joy.  We can search high and low for fulfillment outside of that plan - but we will never be truly satisfied.  And, for every single one of us (man or woman), part of that plan is laying down our own rights in humility, and serving the people in our lives. 

After all, that is what Jesus did, right?

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.   Phil. 2:5-7

Now, some people start to get worried at this point .  We live in a fallen, broken world, and there are people who will take advantage of us if we let them.  This call to humility and service might evoke a  response like, "if all I'm ever doing is looking out for my husband's happiness then who will look out for mine?" 

Fair question, but I don't think you're going to like my answer.  Look at the verse that directly precedes the one I quoted above:

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!  Phil. 2:8

Jesus lived a completely self-sacrificing life.  He served others when He deserved to be the one getting served.  He emptied Himself, made Himself a nobody so that others could be lifted up.  Do you know what that got him?

Death.  And not just death - but death on a cross.  The most shameful and painful kind of death the Roman empire dealt out.

So we're supposed to have this same mentality.  We're supposed to live out this life of service, putting the needs of others before our own.  And what can we expect?  Well, sometimes we can expect that life will be difficult.  It isn't always easy and breezy - but remember that fulfillment and joy I was talking about before?  Well, it is deeper, and more wonderful, and more satisfying than all of the pleasure this world could ever offer.

Its worth it.

But its hard. 

And you know, it isn't just meant for wives to their husbands.  I want to be Jesus to Matt, because that's what I believe I'm called to do.  But there is a calling on Matt's life as well; one for him to be Jesus to me.  And it extends to our friends, our relatives, our coworkers, our teachers, and on and on.  There is no other human soul that I am not called to serve in love and humility.

It doesn't matter how different they are from me.  Jesus humbled himself before a group of people who spat on him and made fun of him.  Who am I that I deserve more than that?

Now don't get me wrong - I fail at this about a thousand times a day.  There are so many opportunities that go wasted because I get consumed with my own happiness and comfort. . . But by God's grace and through His strength I pray that every day I'll empty myself out more and more, loving everyone who crosses my path with a greater love than I think they deserve.  The kind of love that I've been given. 

Who can you serve today?  Whose life can you make a little easier. . . and little better. . . and a little more blessed because you were in it?

You want to find the ultimate joy is this life?  Crazy enough, it starts with laying your own life down.


*and please know, I am not suggesting that women (or men) stay in abusive marriages.  That is a different situation altogether.