Jesus Journal: A Brand New Day

Well, the last post was a pretty raw portrait of the struggling and confused girl I was in high school.  I think its well past time to share with you another entry, from just one year later.

July 26, 1997

Well, needless to say, a lot has happened this year.  During last summer I basically "broke up" with 2 friends.  There was always the occasional hello and short conversation - but nothing beyond that.  What I am sorry about though, is that I've let 2 other friendships fail, too.  I hope that this - my senior year - I will take advantage of my last chance to grow closer to my classmates.  I am praying that God would give me the courage to LIVE THE LIFE.  I am praying that God would help me to see past what I look like, or what others think - to my true worth in His eyes.  I am so thankful that God gave me Amy.  She was a light in the darkness, and I pray that as people look at our friendship they will see what brings us so close.  I also pray that God would take boys off my mind.  Who cares if I go to Homecoming or not??  I don't.  Not anymore.  In my last entry I talked about finding myself.  Well. . . I did.  I found myself in Jesus - and what a wonderful way to live.  =)

Do you see the miracle here?  In about 18 short months I went from ripping on others to elevate myself, to praying I'd be able to see myself solely through God's eyes.

God changed my heart and my mind sometime between February of 1996 and July of 1997.  He gave me a clean slate; a brand new start.

I didn't use sheer force of will or positive thinking to change the girl I was.  I had an encounter with the man who gave up everything and hung on a tree for me.  I met Jesus in a way I had never known Him before.  He changed me from the inside out.  He gave me a new purpose for living.  He helped me see the people in my life as precious in His sight. 


I was happier, too, you know.  Can you sense that?

Some of you aren't here yet, and you're afraid to surrender everything to Christ because of what you might have to give up or lose.   You know that it might mean "breaking up" with some of your friends while you learn what walking with Jesus really looks like. 

I can make you one guarentee, no matter what you're clinging to:  Jesus is better.

He is better than friends, boys, stuff, family, beauty, status, money, and popularity.  He is better than anything else you'll ever find.  He will fill you with more purpose, joy, hope, peace, courage and confidence than you ever thought you'd possess.

Jesus is better.  And if you've ever questioned that truth, take a minute to reread my last post.  Look at the girl I was on my own, and the girl I became with Jesus at my core.

Which girl do you think was filled with more joy?  more courage?  more confidence?  more love?

Not only that, but giving up certain friendships that were drawing me away from God didn't result in loneliness and friendlessness.  It resulted in the formation of one of the greatest friendships I've ever known! 

This journal entry marks the beginning of my real walk with Jesus.  It was a brand new start for a girl made new by the power and love of God.

No matter where you are and no matter what you've done, God's love and power is enough to create a brand new start for you, too. 

I'm living proof,

Jesus is better.

Jesus Journal: One Ugly Day

I have committed to sharing all of my life openly with you.  That means I have to be honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly. . .

Today, I'm sharing the ugly.

Brace yourselves.

February 21, 1996

Hey - waz up?  Well, major update time.  The Monday after the Winter Dance _____ asked me out.  At first I was mad because I was just going to forget about him.  But, of course, I said yes.  We went out for a month and the relationship went NO WHERE!!  He's a freak, so I dumped him.  Oh well, life goes on!!

_____ & _____ are still yucky.  I'm just going with the flow.  I'm trying to not let the things they do bug me so much.  _____ & _____ & I are really close - that's cool.  And _____ is HOT!  Maybe dorky, but HOT, so uh. . . . whatever!

You know what I think when I read that entry?  Man, that girl was awful.  I cannot believe the venom in my own words; how easily I belittled the people in my life.  Ugh - makes me sick!

But do you know the truth of where those words came from?

They came from the heart of an incredibly insecure and frightened young girl. 

I had fallen for one of the world's greatest lies; one that I shared with you in that post called Worldy Nuggets of Wisdom. . .  one that I thought might help me deal with my intense insecurities.


Lie #6:  Don't worry about it!  You're not as lame as ______ .

I was cutting down the people in my life to make me feel better about myself.  I spoke harsh, unloving words in an attempt to boost my own ego.  The sad part is, I know that some of that venom was spoken out loud, aimed at the individuals who were threatening my feelings of acceptance. . .

Having traveled down this road toward the world's solution for insecurity, I can confidently tell you 2 things:  it isn't the truth, and it doesn't work.

I didn't feel better about myself at the end of that year.  I felt worse.

God's solution for insecurity it quite the opposite of this.  Instead of tearing others down we boost others up.  Instead of worrying about our own placement on the scale of social acceptance we depend on our ultimate acceptance in Christ.  We know that we will never be good enough, and we rest in the knowledge that His good is enough for us.

We are not surprised when people reject us, or make fun of us. . . on some level, we expect it.  And when it happens, we rejoice that we were counted worthy of suffering for the sake of Jesus.

Well, that is how it is supposed to work.  I haven't mastered it yet.  I still stumble when it comes to placing all of my self worth and confidence in Christ. . . But I'm closer than I was when I was 15.

And I'm happier than I was when I was 15.

Because no matter how hard it is to make the right choices and live out the truth that we all ultimately know exists, living the truth is the only thing that can ever bring us everlasting joy and peace.

Take a step today towards rejecting this lie.  If you are faced with an opportunity to put someone else down - no matter how much you think they deserve it - choose to lift them up instead.  Look to others as better than yourself.

You won't regret it.

A Little Affirmation from a Really Smart Guy

Ok - so do you remember last week or so when I wrote about garbage?  I talked about how we tend to let a lot of junk into our hearts and minds with some strange expectation that it won't effect us.  My big thought was this:

What goes in must come out.

I kinda wrote about it twice. . . If you haven't checked out those posts you can find them here by clicking on the links:  What goes in must come out, and Daydreams and Prayers

Anyway, I was super excited the other day during my reading time when I stumbled upon a quote that almost perfectly expresses a very similar thought.

Here it is, from D.A. Carson's commentary on Philippians entitled "Basics for Believers,"

If you think holy thoughts, you will be holy; if you think garbage, you will be garbage.

Is it just me, or does everyone get a little giddy when a really, really smart theologian says something that affirms what we've said?

I know that D.A. Carson is not God.  He is not always right.  But I think he's probably right more often than me. . . Or, at least I think he could probably back up his thought processes with more specific bible verses and background information than I could.

So when the words of a guy like that affirm a girl like me, well, it feels pretty good.

It makes me think, hey - maybe I'm not so crazy after all!!

I should also add that Carson was expressing that thought in reference to a verse in Philippians that says this:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.   Philippians 4:8

Why do we want to fill our heads with true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy thoughts?

Because if you think holy thoughts, you will be holy, and if you think garbage, you will be garbage.

Because what goes in must come out.

Need Your Love

Ok, so now that we have unpacked some of the lies this world is feeding us, I think we can start dishing out a little truth (and if you haven't read about the lies yet, click here first).  Today I want to look solely at lie #1:


Do whatever it takes to get a guy to like you.  You are worthless without a boyfriend.

I think this struggle is just as much internal as it is external.  Every time someone makes us feel bad because we don't have a boyfriend, I think we also experience an inner ache and longing for someone to pick us out of the crowd.

It isn't just our society that makes us feel like we need a relationship to be complete.  Its ourselves, too.

You know why?  Because we were made that way.  On some level we all feel incomplete at first.  So we desperately search for something to fill ourselves up and make us feel whole.  For a lot of girls, that means running to boys.  But that doesn't usually work, does it?

The boy you thought would make you feel whole called you fat and ugly.

Your boyfriend of two years found a newer version of you and traded you in.

The guy you've been flirting with for 3 months just asked out your best friend.

Now - if there are any guys reading this - don't get offended too quickly.  Us girls have just as much capacity to ruin a relationship through selfishness and unfaithfulness.  And some relationships absolutely do need to end.  Its ok to come to a point where you realize that you just aren't meant to be together.

But it hurts all just the same, doesn't it?  It doesn't really matter who ends the relationship, or how it ends.  Its like ripping off a band-aid and exposing a wound that hasn't fully healed.  There's that hole again, crying out for something to fill it back up.

Here is the truth that I would like to share that blows this lie out of the water:

Jesus is the only man you'll ever need.  You are incomplete without Christ.

And here's why:


1.  We are all hardwired for a relationship with HIM.

That ache you feel?  That longing for someone to love you?  We're all born with it, and it is our heart's longing for God.  Not convinced?  Look back at Genesis.  Notice how Adam and Eve lived while they were in the garden.  In Genesis 3 we see God "walking in the garden in the cool of the day."  Can you imagine a life where you could just go for a walk with God?  Seriously?  Wow. 

And what was part of the punishment that God gave Adam and Eve after they sinned against him?  Separation from his intimate presence in the garden.

You see, we can search this world high and low to try and find something to make us feel complete.  We can look to boys, friends, grades, jobs, talents, sports, or anything else as a way to give our lives meaning and purpose.  But those things will never sufficiently complete us.  There is only one person who can do that. . .  hint, hint - its the One who made you, and the One who daily sustains you.

Whether we know it or not, our souls are longing for the garden again.  Knowing about God isn't enough.  Going to church isn't enough.  Only an intimate, life-directing, sanctifying walk with Jesus will satisfy us. . .

2.  His love is unconditional and never fading.  He'll never trade us in.

Here is the problem with looking to a guy for significance:  he's human, and eventually he'll sin against you.

It doesn't matter how amazing and Godly your particular fellow is.  He isn't perfect, and at some point or another he will hurt you.  At some point he will disappoint you, fail to protect you, or just give up on you.

It is a dangerous thing to place all of our identity and worth in the hands of a person.

But the beauty and wonder of the Christian life is that in Christ we can find a love that will never sin against us.  Jesus is perfect, and he will never hurt you.  He will never disappoint you, fail to protect you, or give up on you.

There is no greater love than that of your Savior for you.  Romans 8 says is like this:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Nothing can stop God's love for you.  There is no better model that will eventually replace you.  When the Almighty One calls you His own you will be eternally His.  No matter what.


Those are just two of the many reasons why we need to look to JESUS to complete us instead of a relationship. 

I hope you see that the world's perspective on relationships is not just unhealthy, but completely wrong.  I believe that our mistaken view of the way relationships are supposed to fulfill us and complete us is the biggest factor in why so many marriages are broken.  If only everyone could see what their hearts are truly longing for!!

Don't ever forget that Jesus is meant to be your main man.  You get that right, and most everything else will be ok.  How can you go wrong with such an everlasting, unstoppable, overflowing kind of love?

You can't.  So stop fighting it.  Acknowledge what you know is true and run after the deepest desire of your heart; the only thing that will complete you.

Run after Jesus.

Wordly Nuggets of Wisdom

Yesterday was a bummer of a day.  I wrote about my insecurities in the morning and then suffered from them all day long.  Awesome.

So I am thinking a little refresher course on how, exactly, we overcome people pleasing tendencies and insecurities about what others think would be an excellent thing to do.  Know that this morning I am writing more to myself than anyone else. . .

I think we'll do things a little backwards this time, though.  Instead of just marching onward with some passionate conversation about why we shouldn't be insecure, I think I'll take a little time to share what I think the world's advice is.  These nuggets of 'wisdom' are the lies our culture is feeding us.  I believe that these lies are at the very heart of most of our insecurities as girls. . . I also believe that its a lot easier to live out the truth once we've recognized and rejected the lies. 

So here we go, in no particular order (and with a little exaggeration and maybe a hint of sarcasm for effect):


Overcoming Insecurity the World's Way
 

1.  Do whatever it takes to get a guy to like you.  You are worthless without a boyfriend.

You won't see that written quite so bluntly on the cover of any magazine, but let me assure you of this:  the message is loud and clear.  That whole in your heart would fade into oblivion if you could just obtain the affections of the 15 yr old stallion in your chemistry class.  Everything is better with a boyfriend.

2.  You should probably have some kind of plastic surgery. . . there's got to be something wrong with your face. . .

At some point in your life you might have thought that you were a pretty decent catch.  My 4 yr old daughter thinks she is stunning.  But don't worry, that will change eventually.  The world will work its way into her perception and she'll suddenly realize that her once flawless face falls waaayy short of anything great.  It is important to recognize that there are just some things that won't get better until you get them surgically altered. 

3.  You should be 20 lbs thinner.  Then you'll be happy.

I don't care how much you weigh.  I don't care what your healthy body weight is.  Losing weight is the answer to all of your problems.

4.  You would be wise to just do whatever everyone else is doing.  They'll think your a loser if you don't.

If you are feeling insecure, you should figure out which group of kids at school will make you feel cool and just do whatever they're doing.  It might feel yucky at first, but eventually you'll get over it.  It will feel so good to be with the 'in' crowd that you'll totally forget you ever disagreed with the lifestyle you'll be living anyway!

5.  It would help to emulate celebrities who are famous for nothing except living explosive, dramatic, unhealthy, completely self-obsessed lives. 

This is great stuff.  Really, you should just spend as much time watching reality tv as you can.  Nothing but good can come from hours of watching people fight, go shopping, make out, and gossip.  Just pray as you watch that one day you can be as cool as them.


6.  Don't worry about it!  You're not as lame as _______.

If you are feeling down about yourself, one of the best ways to feel better is to think of someone who is even lamer than you.  And if you can't think of anyone lamer than you, you should find someone vulnerable and make them feel lamer than you.  Then you'll feel better.


7.  Three words that will cure any problem in your life:  just love yourself.

 If all of these brilliant tactics fail at boosting your self confidence, then don't worry about it.  You can just mentally decide that you are fabulous!  Love yourself - your whole self.  It doesn't matter what issues you have, you have the power to change your perspective.  Repeat after me:  "I am beautiful.  I am special.  I am cool.  I am perfect."  Just keep sayin' it till you believe it. 


So. . . what do you think?  Am I totally off base or do you agree that some form of all of these messages is hitting us in the face each and every day? 

I want you to pay careful attention to the signals and cues you are getting today.  They might be subtle, but I think you'll find that most of the people around you are believing these lies to one extent or another.  I also want you to ask yourself this question:  how is working out for them?  

You might also want to take a careful look at your own life and and see if on some level you've been duped into believing these lies too. . . in which case you should ask youself this:  how is it working out for you?

There is a better way.  There is truth to combat these lies.  And there is a life that flows out of those truths that will surpass anything you've ever imagined. 

Jesus Journal: Whose Praise?

July 21, 1999

My time with the Lord was great again today.  I realized after the awesome day I had yesterday what a difference this makes.  Satan even started getting scared and tried to pull me away using a weak point from my past.  What he doesn't get, though, is that in Christ - even my weak points are strong.  

More and more I am learning how much I do for praise from people.  I pray that I will finally understand that attempting to win praise from people wins me 0 praise from God.  Whose praise would I rather have?

Alright - how awesome is it that I just declared that Satan is scared of me?  Seriously?  Awesome.

So the summer when I wrote this I was on a missions trip of sorts.  I was living in Fort Collins, Colorado with ~60 other college students.  It was the summer after my freshman year, and I was the youngest girl on the trip.  We provided day care during the week days, and spent the evenings and weekends studying the word, sharing our faith, and having lotsa fun.  It was awesome.

 That summer was when I really started to understand the power of having your own, personal relationship with God through His word.  I started reading my bible more consistently.  I tried to study it and meditate on it, not just casually (or halfheartedly) glance at it and move on.

Honestly, I don't remember what "weak point from my past" I was referring to there.  I could probably guess, but in the end I don't think it matters.  What I am so grateful for is that at 18 I somehow understood that sometimes our struggles and discouragements are meant to pull us away from God.  I recognized that truth, and in that moment I refused to allow it to happen.

That isn't always the case.

I'm 31 now, and I still know that this is true, but I often forget the power I have in Christ; that He is my strength - even in my greatest weakness.  It might be true, but sometimes I forget to live like it.

And that second paragraph, well, everyone say hello to Erin's thorn.  This struggle - the desire to earn praise from others - is probably the biggest battle I face.  And unfortunately, I face it daily.  I haven't conquered this yet. . . I do think I'm getting better - God is working in this little heart and helping me to see that no amount of praise from other people will ever fill me up, but I still struggle. . .

But this post doesn't just show an unbelievably mature and insightful 18 yr old (I wish). . . no, unfortunately it also betrays the heart of a girl longing to follow Jesus who sometimes fell into the trap of legalism.  Did you catch that?

It happened when I expressed the people pleasing struggle.  I  said that instead of winning praise from people I need to win praise from God.  There is a very fine and dangerous line right there, friends.  Its the one that seperates God's praise from God's favor and love.  I believe that God does offer praise when we are living out our faith and following in the footsteps on Jesus.  I'm not sure I would ever say that we "earn" that praise, but I do think our actions can inspire it. 

On the other hand, God's favor is something we could never earn.  And that is where my legalism can come into play.  Sometimes I am fooled into believing that my actions can earn God's favor.

Let my state this clearly:  the Christian life is NOT about winning God's favor.  We already have it.  There is nothing I could ever do to get God to love me more; His love is limitless already.

I was right about not trying to win the praise of people - that is true.  Trying to get people to like us will only leave us feeling exhausted, discouraged and usually defeated.  But the alternative isn't the same.

When we turn from people pleasing, we get to simply accept the favor and love of Christ that has been extended to us even in our sinful yuckiness. 

The praise we receive when we walk in faithfulness is the icing on the cake of the love and favor that is already ours.  So I think that question I posed is a good one, so long as we understand it correctly.

Which praise would I rather have?

The praise I have to earn by being something or someone that others like?  Or the praise that comes freely in Christ, together with the favor that is already mine; signed, sealed, and delivered the day Jesus died on that tree?

I don't know about you, but I choose Christ.  Yesterday, today, and forever.

Daydreams and Prayers

The other day I wrote a post about how we tend to let garbage into our hearts and minds, convincing ourselves that we won't be impacted by it all that much. I challenged that thinking by suggesting that everything we allow ourselves to ingest will impact us in one way or another. . .

In case you weren't thoroughly convinced I would like to give you a quick example of how this has played out in my own life.

I like to read. I go through phases where I read constantly, and then periods of drought when I hardly pick up a book. Sometimes I read suspense, sometimes sci-fi, sometimes romance. . . It all just depends on my mood when I'm at the library.

Usually I try to find a book by a Christian author. There have just been too many times when I've thought a book looked really good and then been horrified by the content within. . . I figure, its always safe to read Christian fiction, right?

Hmm. Maybe not.

You see, the word garbage might be too exclusive sounding when it comes to what we feed ourselves. Sometimes the things we ingest are meant for our good, but turn out to take us the wrong direction. Sometimes it isn't garbage at all, but "God-honoring" things that end up creating idols in our lives.

Still confused?

This is where my little analogy comes in (I L-O-V-E analogies. . . ). I'm going to describe two different books that I have read over the last year, and then share the overt influence they each had on my life.

Book 1: I read this book because of my mother. Seriously. She recommended it, and she actually lent me her copy. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have picked it out on my own. It seemed a little cheesy to me. It was about a prayer circle; a group of woman whose lives intersected over their faith. A large portion of the book was just recording the prayers they prayed when they were together. Halfway through I still thought it was a little cheesy. . . but you know, it was kind funny. . . I couldn't put it down.

Book 2: I picked this one out myself. It was set back at the turn of the 19th century, and it involved a young woman and the man she was forced to marry. Of course, as always happens in these books, they ended up falling in love. . . But it took quite a few twists and turns to arrive at their happy ending. I was addicted. I think I read it 23 hours. While somehow managing to also take care of my children. . . mostly.

Now, both of those books are by Christian authors. Neither of them contain any specific content that denies Jesus or goes against the life He has called us to live. Both of them provide some great examples for us to follow as we try to walk in faith.

How did they impact me?

Well, I'm glad you asked. One of them left me daydreaming constantly. Of course, as any girl does, I was inserting myself into the story and imagining it all playing out with myself as the lead character (am I not supposed to admit that at age 31? I may be old - but some things never change). After reading the other book I found myself praying. All the time. It was weird; like I was suddenly constantly aware of God's presence all around me. . . And it was an obvious (yet totally unconscious) response to the book I had read.

Now, I'm guessing that I don't have to tell you which book left me with which result. It should be obvious. And I'm not suggesting that reading romantic novels is evil and sinful. I think it does border on sinful for me, because I want ALL of my daydreams to be centered around the ONE man who has captured my heart and who will hold it forever: my husband. Its kinda hard to picture him as a lumberjack in the early 1900's living in Oregon, though. . . so that makes things tricky. . .

My conclusion? I don't care for the thoughts that tend to swirl around my brain when I read those books.

If I'm going to ingest something, and I know it is going to have an impact on my thoughts, words, and actions. . . well, then I'd like it to be something that encourages the kinds of thoughts, words and actions that I actually want to be living out. I think its pretty cool that a piece of fiction actually caused me to pray more.

Maybe that's a silly example. But I think it perfectly demonstrates the reality of this simple truth: what goes in, must come out.

And it leaves me with the same, simple question for you, dear friends.

What is it that you want coming out of you?

Jesus Journal: Show Me

November 8th, 1999

Well, it has been six days since I really spent some time with the Lord, and you know what?  It is showing in my life.  I have never been so stressed about so many things before.  All I want is so slow down life - take a few steps back and listen to Jesus - because He knows the answer to all my problems.

I wish I could see His plan in writing - like a script.  It would say what to do about ___ and ___, what to do about my major, where to live, where to go to church. . . I want so badly to feel comfort about all these things!  I know His plan is perfect.  I am so afraid that I am not following it right now.  I keep coming up with different plans. . . AGH!!  What is supposed to be, Lord - show me!!

I have always wanted to honor God.  Even as a kid my heart was bent toward Him.  Sometimes its funny, though, when I look back and read the passion I had and the depth of longing I communicated for following Him.  Its funny because some of my memories of life at that point betray the reality that I was a somewhat immature, self-centered young girl, too.

Honestly, some of the choices I made during the year when this was written are still kinda embarrassing.  There are times when I wish I could go back and have a redo - not because I want to change the ultimate outcome, but because I would get to this end a different way now.  I've grown up a little in the last 11 years.

The thing is, though, that part of growing up (for me, at least) was making some ridiculous choices.  Maturity is something we grow into, not something we're born with.  As much as I would like to deny this truth, I recognize that a lot of the foolishness in my past has resulted in the woman I am today.

But it is cool to look back and remember how badly I wanted to follow Jesus. . . even knowing now how often I screwed it up, its pretty awesome to know that my heart's deepest desire was for Christ.

You might be wondering what the blank spaces are all about.   Well, friends, those would be the names of two boys.  And you will never know them.  I may be totally comfortable opening my life up for you all to take a peak, but this is the world wide web, and even I know that some things aren't meant for the world to know. . .

One thing I can tell you for sure: when the deepest desire of your heart is to follow Jesus, He will get you there eventually.  The path might be bumpy, and you are guaranteed to make some mistakes, but He will get you there.

Looking back I realize that there were probably a bunch of different decisions I could have made that would still honor God.  It isn't so much about the specific path we choose as it is about the way we walk on the path we choose.  God can use different people, different majors, different apartments, and yes - even different boys, to draw us closer to Him and help us learn what it means to live for Him.

Ultimately, its the state of your heart, not the location of your bunk that makes the difference.

I wish I had known that back then, when I was so stressed about making the *right* decision. . . but like I said earlier, maybe part of learning this lesson was experiencing the angst and longing for specific direction from God. . .

I hope and pray that your hearts are beating for Christ; that the deepest longing in your hearts is to follow Jesus wherever you go.  And don't get too down on yourself if you make a few mistakes along the way, either.  In those moments just remember that God is working something out in you. . .  It may not be a pretty sight just yet, but He is making you into the woman He wants you to become. . . and His ultimate plan is beauty beyond imagination.

He's not finished with you yet.  And thanks be to God, He's not finished with me either. . .

What Goes In Must Come Out

2 days a week I babysit a beautiful little baby girl.  She is THE most adorable baby, and the days she spends at our house are definitely some of our favorite.  There are, however, fleeting moments when she's with me that I'm reminded about some of the less than glamorous parts of being a mom to a baby.

Like the fact that at least once a day when I change her diaper I get a lovely sneak peak at what she ate for dinner yesterday.

Gross.  I know, I'm sorry!  But this little analogy is just too right on to ignore.

Here is the little rule of life that we know is true no matter what age you are:  what goes in, must come out.  It isn't surprising when a toddler eats a crayon that there is a colorful explosion in the bathroom the next day.  We expect it, don't we?

And yet, somehow, we don't seem to believe that the same is true when it comes to other areas of life. 


We have this silly notion that we can ingest a whole lot of garbage without ever having to see it again.  We make really awesome excuses for why choices that seem obvious aren't so black and white after all. 

If the desire of your heart is to love God and honor Him with your life, then I think taking a little inventory of what you are ingesting would be a worthwhile exercise. 

What are you watching on TV?  What kind of music dominates your Ipod?  Where are you hanging out with your friends on the weekends?

I don't want to be legalistic, but I absolutely have to be realistic.  What you ingest WILL work itself out in your life in one way or another.  If you spend hours every week sitting in front of shows that are completely void of the presence of God (or that mock the life that God has called us to live every 37 seconds), and your own connection to your Savior feels weak, you shouldn't be surprised.

We are silly to think that we can surround ourselves with so much darkness without being impacted by it.

What goes in, must come out.

I know what I want coming out of me (and what God wants for me), and I know which choices I have to make in order for that to happen. . .

Oh, to have the courage and discipline to follow through each and every moment!

Praying for us all this morning. . .  hoping that you are willing to take an honest look at whats goin' into your heart and mind. . . and where there might be garbage going in, I am asking God to grant you the guts to make some different choices this week.

Jesus Journal

Today I'm kicking off a new little mini-series on the Hill for Girls.  I think I tried this once before, but it didn't end up working out because I only did it once.  Can you have a one episode mini-series?  I think not. . .

Anyway, I've been journaling about my walk with Jesus for about 13 years now.  I have compiled a pretty huge collections of prayers, devotions, struggles, and diary-like entries that could provide hours upon hours of entertainment.  Well, entertainment might not be the right word - depends on your persective I suppose. . .

All that said, once a week I'm going to open the door for you to catch a glimpse into some of my thoughts and prayers along the way.  Why?  Well, I'm hoping that you'll see things that offer hope or encouragement to your current circumstance.  I'm praying that some of the difficulties I have faced will speak into your situation and draw you closer to Jesus.  I believe that my own transparency might just give you the courage to be transparent with someone about your own hurts, failures, joys and longings!

I think its going to be great fun.  Maybe a little embarrassing at points, and definitely a lot humbling. . .  But you know what?  If it will serve to draw you closer to Jesus - even if just a little - then it is worth it.  I would seriously do anything to see you growing in your knowledge and love of God. . .

Anything.

So, without further ado: 

January 27th, 2000

Well, I need to pray about time management.  Today has been a bust.  Its when I actually have a free afternoon that I get nothing done. . . man.  Discipleship with Cathy was good.  Good just to catch up.

Praying about Rome - I have such a "its not gonna happen" attitude - but I know that God can do amazing things in order to bring about His perfect will!  I just need to TRUST!!

This entry makes me smile.  First of all, I STILL suffer from total laziness on days when I have nothing going on. . .  11 years later and God's still got work to do there! =) 

Second of all, Cathy was my mentor through out much of my college experience.  She is an amazing woman who inspired me and encouraged me in ways I cannot begin to express.  I am so grateful for the role she played in my life! 

Lastly, the reference to Rome was regarding a missions trip I wanted to go on.   I was at a point where I thought maybe God didn't want me to go.  I didn't know how I was going to raise the money.  Its so fun to share with you that God DID do some pretty amazing things to make that trip possible!!  I had a smack-you-in-the-face experience where God made it clear that He wanted me to go and that He would provide the means. . .  (I learned a lot that summer about what it means to trust in God. . .  funny how He answers our prayers sometimes. . . but more on that topic another day).

I love being able to look back and see God's faithfulness at different points in my life.  Its so good to remember those moments when the temptation to sink into unbelief presses in on all sides. 

We all face difficulties and discouragements.  In remembering God's past faithfulness we find the hope to continue to trust in Him to work all things out for our good!

HELLO: My Name Is WhaDeeDum

We had a little dog when I was growing up in Illinois.  He was probably the ugliest little dog I've ever seen.  He had wiry (and greasy) black and brown hair, and when he was wet he looked like a rat.  When we got him from the shelter his name was WhaDeeDum.  I'm not sure if that's how you spell it, but that's how it sounds.

The first thing we did when we brought him home was change his name.  Now he had a new identity to go with his new home and new family:  Bear.  He might have been ugly and little, but we gave him a name that could instill courage in his little 4 lbs of bones.  We fed him, played with him, took him for walks, and talked to him.  Ok, I talked to him.  And alright, I'll admit that most of the time I was just telling him how ugly he was in a really sing-songy voice so that he didn't know I was being mean. . . but still, I did talk to him.

So you get the point - we took care of him!  This sweet little doggy got a new start with the Carlsen clan.  His previous home - before the shelter - had been abusive, so this was a completely different life for the little guy.

At first he seemed scared by everything.  If we walked in a room too quickly, or too loudly, or if we happened to swing our hand or foot anywhere near him, he would crouch down and whimper as if we were about to hit him.  It was so sad watching him fear us so much!

But he learned, eventually, that we were not going to hit him.  He was never exactly a brave dog, but he didn't seem so afraid of everything after a while.

WhaDeeDum's story reminds me a little of the Christian life.

You see, we start out life in this world with a certain identity.  Once we are adopted into God's family, we get a brand new one.  And not just a new identity, but a new home, a new family, and a completely new heart.

 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!  2 Corinthians 5:17

I am not who I used to be. . . but wouldn't it be sad if I still lived as if I was?

What if Bear (Whadeedum) never stopped shrinking back when we reached out to pet him?  What if over the course of 10 years he never learned that he could trust us?  His life would have been just a pale reflection of what it could have been had he trusted in our love. . .

Same is true for us.  If we go through out Christian life without truly understanding this new identity we have in Christ; this power we have through His Spirit; our life will only be a pale reflection of what it was meant to be.

If you are a follower of Jesus you have been remade.  The same power that created and sustains this earth and that rose Jesus from the dead lives IN you.  You don't need to cower in fear over the difficulties in this life.  You are called to live courageously and boldly; to grasp ahold of your new "name" and live out that new identity to its fullest.

Our God is worthy of our trust, and His promises to us are certain. 

Are you intimidated or afraid to try and live out the humility I've talked about over the last few days?  Remember in those moments that God has not called you to do something without first equipping you with the power source to do it.

My name was sinner.  I was poor, wretched, blind, lost, selfish, condemned, judged, and enslaved.

Now?  My name is saint.  I am pure, holy, blameless, loved, redeemed, empowered, and freed.

I will - by God's grace - live out my true identity, and moment by moment reject the one I left behind. 

I am not who I once was. 

And if you are in Christ, neither are you.

You First

I wouldn't be a very good feminist.  Don't get me wrong - I definitely believe in equality when it comes to our place in society, government, and the like.  When we are talking about the worth of any human soul, I think it is wrong and disgusting to put one above any other.  We are all precious; every one created in the image of God.

But on a personal level, I don't think feminists would be too happy with me.  Its my view of marriage that I think might disturb them.  I have a very simple philosophy that I can sum up in this single sentence:

Everything I do ought to make Matt's life easier.

Marriage - to me - isn't about me.  Its about emptying myself for someone else.  Its about laying down my rights, my pride, and my self-centered attitude.  Its about going the extra mile to make my best friend feel like a million bucks - even if that means that things don't always appear fair. 

I know a lot of people exist in marriages where there is a checklist mentality.  If you get to do ___, then I deserve a chance to ___.  If I have to ____, then you should have to ___.  Just so long as everyone is exerting the same amount of effort and sacrifice, everything is all good. 

I suppose some marriages work quite fine that way, at least for a time.  But ultimately I don't think that perspective is going to foster a marriage that lasts a lifetime.  Why?

Because that isn't how we were designed to live.  We were made in the image of God; designed for a purpose and a plan that will ultimately fulfill us and bring us life's greatest joy.  We can search high and low for fulfillment outside of that plan - but we will never be truly satisfied.  And, for every single one of us (man or woman), part of that plan is laying down our own rights in humility, and serving the people in our lives. 

After all, that is what Jesus did, right?

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.   Phil. 2:5-7

Now, some people start to get worried at this point .  We live in a fallen, broken world, and there are people who will take advantage of us if we let them.  This call to humility and service might evoke a  response like, "if all I'm ever doing is looking out for my husband's happiness then who will look out for mine?" 

Fair question, but I don't think you're going to like my answer.  Look at the verse that directly precedes the one I quoted above:

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!  Phil. 2:8

Jesus lived a completely self-sacrificing life.  He served others when He deserved to be the one getting served.  He emptied Himself, made Himself a nobody so that others could be lifted up.  Do you know what that got him?

Death.  And not just death - but death on a cross.  The most shameful and painful kind of death the Roman empire dealt out.

So we're supposed to have this same mentality.  We're supposed to live out this life of service, putting the needs of others before our own.  And what can we expect?  Well, sometimes we can expect that life will be difficult.  It isn't always easy and breezy - but remember that fulfillment and joy I was talking about before?  Well, it is deeper, and more wonderful, and more satisfying than all of the pleasure this world could ever offer.

Its worth it.

But its hard. 

And you know, it isn't just meant for wives to their husbands.  I want to be Jesus to Matt, because that's what I believe I'm called to do.  But there is a calling on Matt's life as well; one for him to be Jesus to me.  And it extends to our friends, our relatives, our coworkers, our teachers, and on and on.  There is no other human soul that I am not called to serve in love and humility.

It doesn't matter how different they are from me.  Jesus humbled himself before a group of people who spat on him and made fun of him.  Who am I that I deserve more than that?

Now don't get me wrong - I fail at this about a thousand times a day.  There are so many opportunities that go wasted because I get consumed with my own happiness and comfort. . . But by God's grace and through His strength I pray that every day I'll empty myself out more and more, loving everyone who crosses my path with a greater love than I think they deserve.  The kind of love that I've been given. 

Who can you serve today?  Whose life can you make a little easier. . . and little better. . . and a little more blessed because you were in it?

You want to find the ultimate joy is this life?  Crazy enough, it starts with laying your own life down.


*and please know, I am not suggesting that women (or men) stay in abusive marriages.  That is a different situation altogether. 

Pay it Forward

It takes more grace than I can tell
To play the second fiddle well

I stumbled upon that quote this morning as I was reading.  How true are those words!  It is such a difficult thing to be genuinely happy when others outshine us in any area of life, isn't it?  And we aren't just supposed to deal with it. . . no, as followers of Christ we're supposed to rejoice because of it! 

Yesterday I shared these verses from Philippians:

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Phil. 2:1-4

Here is the deal, friends.  Paul is calling us toward this radical humility for a really great reason:  we have received so many blessings as a result of our faith, that there is no logical response but to pour that blessing out on others!

A few questions for those who have trusted in Christ:  Has anyone in your church or youth group ever encouraged you?  Have you ever been going through a difficult time and felt a sense of peace and hope after praying, reading your bible, or talking to another Christian friend?  Have you ever been at a conference or youth gathering and felt the presence and assurance of God in greater ways than you could have ever imagined?  Have you ever received compassion and love from someone who probably should have been angry with you instead?

I'm guessing you could have said yes to at least a few of those questions.  There is so much blessing and beauty in this life we live with Christ. . . and so many of those blessings and that beauty come to us in the form of other people, right?!?

I have seen Jesus displayed through others all my life.  I could tell countless stories of how God has used people to show Himself to me.  To shower me with love, grace, and forgiveness.  To remind me that I am not alone.

THAT is why I am called to lift others up as higher than myself.  Like I said yesterday, it isn't an exercise in low self-esteem, no, it is simply the outworking of us living out what we have already received - first from God, second from others.

You have lifted me up, comforted me, encouraged me, and drawn me closer to Jesus.  So now it is my turn to do that for you.

When we see humility in that light, it isn't so weird and unnatural sounding, is it?  Maybe playing second fiddle is a little easier when you take a closer look at the light and joy in the eyes of the person for whom you stepped aside and allowed to sit in first.

Our sinful nature wants us to be first fiddle all the time.  It takes a little reflection and a lot of courage to deny that inward desire and play by a different set of rules.

Today I am praying that you make one choice - just one - to allow someone else first fiddle in your life.  Lets give back some of the bountiful blessings we've received, yes?


And the coolest part about living with that kind of heart?  It causes our own lives to overflow with joy and peace, knowing that we have surrendered our own selfish ambitions for the sake of those around us. . . it is a beautiful thing to behold.

Love Showers

I am fully aware that everyone is not like me.  Most of the time.  There are occasions when I loose sight of that reality and assume that the lense through which I see and feel the world is identical to everyone else's.  This morning I blogged about our common need for humility.  I said that we all need a little humbling now and then. . . the reminder of our need for a Savior, no matter how *good* we think we've been.

But this little thought has been plaguing my mind ever since I wrote that this morning.

Some of you might need a little more encouragement than humbling today. . .

Here is the deal:  I've always been a bit of a goodie-too-shoos.  I was the "good Christian girl" who followed all of the rules.  So for me, as I'm guessing it is for others with similar natures, humility doesn't always come easy.  I have always worked hard to do the right things, and my sinful nature wants to take a little credit for all that hard work. . . Not that it would ever measure up to the standard that God has set.  No goodie-too-shoo alive or dead could ever measure up to the King of the Universe. 

But I try, none the less.

So for me, humility is something to strive for, pray for, and work for.  I need that constant reminder that it is CHRIST in me that is deserving of God's favor and choosing.  It is CHRIST in me that makes me holy, pure and righteous.  It is CHRIST in me that God uses to encourage and lift up the people in my life. 

But what I am reflecting on right now is not me, but you.  Because for you, humility might be coming from a completely different direction.  Maybe you're someone who feels that you have made every mistake in the book.  Maybe you already feel completely unworthy of the love of God.  Maybe other people in the church have made you feel like you'll never measure up.

If that is where you're at today, then I want you to know something:  you are a priceless treasure, loved beyond measure, and accepted without condition.  There is nothing you could ever do to either earn or lose the gift of eternal life you receive in Jesus.  Nothing. 

Humility is recognizing that we are lost, fallen, and dying apart from that live-giving relationship with Christ.  But to recognize who we are IN Christ does not negate that humility.

Today some of us need to trip on a crack in the sidewalk, and others need to feel the mighty arms of our Savior lifting us up. I might need a loving reminder that my works do not make me worthy, and you might need to feel the love of God rain down on you so completely that you are enveloped in His grace and mercy.

Wherever you are at, know that the ground is level at the foot of the cross.  I am right there with you, maybe heading in from a different direction, but arriving at the same place nonetheless.

May we all see ourselves as God sees us, and find our security, identity and confidence in that.

Love Cracks

Sometimes we all need a little humbling - myself included.  I have this somewhat frequent habit of thinking I've managed to get it all together.  I convince myself (although I think somewhere deep down I always know its not true) that I've mastered this thing called life; including marriage, motherhood, and everything else.

And then I trip on a crack in the sidewalk.

Seriously - I think God puts cracks in sidewalks to humble me.  You see, when I get to that moment where I think I'm doing pretty well, looking pretty good, realizing others are noticing me in all my fabulousness - I trip on a crack in the sidewalk.  I don't usually fall all the way down to the ground.  I just stumble enough to look ridiculous before I catch my balance and straighten up.  Do you want to know what I think about those cracks?

They show me just how much God loves me.

How is that, you may ask?  Well, He loves me too much to let me live some deluded lie.  He cares so much about my heart and soul that He is willing to let me stumble sometimes so that I can see the truth.  It isn't that God wants me to have low self-esteem, or that I should never be proud of the things I accomplish.  Its that He wants my esteem and pride to stem from the true source of its worth:  Jesus.

I am fabulous.  Because Jesus died on a cross 2,000 years ago to make me that way.  I don't have it all together on my own, but I have it all in Christ.  I will never be the perfect wife, mom, friend, daughter, or teacher.  But every day that I look to Jesus as my guide I know that I will get closer and closer to living a life worthy of this beautiful gospel He wrote.

Humility is a beautiful thing, and we can never underestimate the importance of knowing where we really stand apart from Christ.  I am no more worthy of God's love than any other human being that has ever existed.  I love you, dear friends, but neither are you.  For those of us who happened to grow up in the church, I think its pretty easy to convince ourselves that we're better than a lot of people.  We wouldn't ever say that out loud - we know that such thinking isn't right. . . But, our thoughts and sometimes even our actions betray this hidden belief that somehow we're more worthy.

I think that has something to do with why we can become so lethargic and even bored in our faith.  Its hard to sacrifice your life for a Savior that you aren't really sure you needed. . .

I hope this doesn't sound mean, but today I'm praying that you trip on a crack or two in the sidewalk.  Nothing serious.  I don't want you to fall all the way down to the ground. . .  But I do hope that there are some moments of intense clarity for all of us.  Moments when we realize just how unworthy we really are.  When we acknowledge that we are truly no different or better than any other human on this planet.

It is in those moments that we can rejoice over what Jesus did.  It is then that we simply cannot suppress the longing to offer our lives up to Him and live for Him more fully.

Paul writes it like this in Philippians 2. . .

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

So today, don't curse at the cracks in the sidewalk that make you lose your footing and maybe a little face. . . See them as God's tender, loving way of reminding you that apart from Christ, you are nothing.

And with Him, you have everything.

*Update:  I've been pondering this idea all morning, and had a few more thoughts to share that I hope will be encouraging. . . check 'em out here.

Run With Me

Have you ever watched a little kid trying to step on an escalator for the first time? If you put yourself in their shoes, you realize that it probably seems quite terrifying. Last week I forgot about this truth when I casually hopped on the escalator expecting the kids to follow suit. They didn't. Thankfully Matt was with them, but 1/4 of the way down I looked up and realized there was no way he was going to be able to get both of them on the escalator. So what did this classy mother do? Ran up the down escalator, of course.

We all managed to get down just fine. I'm sure it was a lovely show for everyone watching us in the bookstore.

Besides being a little stressful and a lot humbling, it served an excellent purpose in reminding me of a great analogy for the Christian life.

Imagine a really, really long escalator heading down (that escalator represents life). Jesus is standing at the top of the escalator beckoning us to turn and run up to him. But everything in this world is telling us to keep heading down; away from Christ.

Some of us turn around and listen. We might even acknowledge that Jesus is God, but we don't move. Its too easy to just stand there and let the escalator do the work for us. But there is a huge problem with that response to Christ, right? We're still headed away from where we need to be.

Others begin to walk towards Christ. They have a desire to live for him; they go to church; they even read their bibles sometimes. But there are pieces of their lives that they just can't surrender. There are things they are just unwilling to give up. Have you ever tried just walking backwards up a downward escalator? Where do you go? Yeah, nowhere. Not a great result.

So how do we get closer to Christ? Well, my friends, we throw caution to the wind, our pride over our shoulder, and we run like mad for the top. When we fix our eyes on Christ it means actively rejecting the lies that this world tries to sell us. When we follow Jesus it means purposefully living each day as one who has been redeemed.

Sometimes we won't look so classy or cool.  Sometimes we'll be the ridiculous mother trying to run up the down escalator at Barnes & Noble to help our babies.  But we'll find ourselves closer to Christ and filled with greater joy than we could imagine.

Its the beginning of the school year, and for a lot of us that means a new set of resolutions to make this year count.  Lets begin the year by committing to run.  No more letting the world's escalator take us farther from Christ.  No more standing still.  And no more walking.  Lets not go through the motions of the Christian life; lets live it to its fullest!

Arm flailing, leg stomping pursuit of Christ.

That's my desire.  Are you with me?

Fill Me Up

The other day I asked a group of girls to tell me the top 5 things that could take a totally fabulous day and make it go right down the drain. The answers were pretty typical; boys being uninterested, friends being mean, fights with parents, bad grades, being sick. . . You know, I may be 17 years older than some of these girls, but truthfully my list doesn't look that different. Its funny how some things change and others always seem to stay the same.

I wasn't asking the question because I didn't know how they would answer, though. I was asking the question because I wanted to find out what they do to recover in those moments of disappointment and discouragement. How do you respond when the events of your day don't quite measure up to your hopes and expectations?

I won't share the personal details of their answers here, but I'll give you a glimpse into my crisis management mode. The answer for me is simple: I call my mom.

Maybe you're not supposed to need your mom so much when you're 31. But there is just something comforting about hearing her voice when things have flopped. You see, no matter what anyone else thinks of me, I know my mom will always love me. She has to. Its her job.

So when I'm bummed and discouraged I can call my mom and talk until my face turns blue. She'll listen, sometimes process with me and give me advice, and I hang up the phone feeling a little bit better. The negative events in my life drain me; they pour water out from my cup. Talking to my mom fills me up.

Now, I'm pretty much in favor of that plan. I think its a good one. Except that sometimes it doesn't exactly work out. Believe it or not, sometimes my mom doesn't answer her phone. Sometimes she is out walking the dog, or out with friends, or at the grocery store. Sometimes she even goes on vacations where she is unreachable for days on end!! (I'm not exactly sure why she thinks that is acceptable. . . but I'm trying to extend grace. . . )

So what do I do when I feel hurt by a friend or frustrated with a circumstance in those moments? Do I keep calling until her caller ID reports 48 missed calls when she finally returns home? Do I sit in a corner and cry my eyes out, feeling lost and aimless with my empty cup?

Or, could there be a better way?

Could there be another solution to the frustrating events of my day that isn't dependent on my mom being available to me whenever and wherever I need her?

Tell you what girls - there is a better way. There is another place I can go to for comfort when things aren't so hot. There is a way to fill my cup back up with living water; water that will be available every moment of every day for the rest of my life.

I can go to Jesus.

You see, this relationship I have with Jesus is a 24hr thing. He is never out walking the dog or comparing prices at the supermarket. He is always with me; ever ready to take my hurting heart into his healing hands.

What do you do when your day takes a turn for the worst? Have you ever thought of going straight to your knees and talking to your Creator? He is there, and He is longing to be the One who fills you up when you need it most.

I want you to take 10 minutes today and read an amazing story in John 4. It tells about a woman who met Jesus at a well one day. . . and let's just say that Jesus filled her cup. Not only did he fill it up, but he promised that the water he gave would satisfy her every thirst.

Here's the other crazy cool thing about that story; Jesus knew everything about her. He knew all of the dark, secret, sad pieces of her life story. He knew those things, and he wanted to offer her living water still.

I think sometimes my desire to talk to my mom is really a longing to connect with someone who knows me. She's walked through life with me for the last 31 years, so for the most part - she gets me. I can be myself around her because there is really no use trying to be anyone else.

Have you ever thought about the fact that Jesus knows you that well, too? He sees every part of us, and he longs to satisfy our deepest longings and needs anyway. His love for us is, honestly, unreasonable. But he offers it, nonetheless.

The more we turn to him when things go wrong, the more we'll find that his love is enough and his comfort sufficient for everything we will face in life. Its an important skill to learn, girls, because there will come a time when the problems are deeper and bigger and harder than tests, friends and frustrating parents.

We need to know what to do when things go wrong - even little things - so that when the day comes that something really big goes wrong, we aren't alone. We need to be prepared, so that in that moment we know exactly where to go, who to turn to, and what to do.

I love talking to my mom.

But Jesus fills my cup.

Everyone who drinks this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

-Jesus, John 4:13-14

Beloved

There was this couple in my high school that was famous for their explosive relationship. They would be all googly-eyed and giddy around each other one day (and showing way more affection that I thought necessary or appropriate) and then suddenly be freezing each other out and yelling at each other in public the next. . . It didn't seem like the healthiest relationship, but I have to be honest - on the good days I found myself secretly envious.

When this particular boy was not fighting with this particular girl, they seemed to be living in some sort of alternate universe of sheer joy and complete self-confidence. On these good days this girl would float through the hallways with a huge grin on her face, oblivious to the gossip going on all around her predicting the time and place of their next huge meltdown. . .

You see, when that boy loved her, it seemed to me like she was invincible! So long as she felt confident in his feelings for her and her status as his girlfriend, all of the negativity around her seemed completely irrelevant. It was like watching a scary movie; totally horrific but completely addicting.

The other day I wrote about how important it is for us to understand our princess status as children of God. I wasn't referring to some superficial confidence, or poofy dresses and tiaras. I was talking about seeing ourselves as God sees us in Christ. I was alluding to the alternate universe that we actually belong to where we are loved beyond measure and accepted just as we are.

You see, when we understand our "princess status" as believers, then we get to walk through this life filled with the sheer joy and complete confidence of knowing that we belong to God. We can slap a big, silly grin on our faces and become invincible to the gossip and negativity around us. We can love others without the fear of them one day refusing to return our love because we've received all the love we'll ever need in Jesus.

I think understanding this reality is especially important for girls because we tend to struggle way more with feelings of insecurity and unlove. Maybe that isn't always true, but it seems to be the trend in my life.

Lets take, for example, the 4 month period when Matt and I were engaged and living 3 hours apart. We would talk on the phone most evenings, and when it came time to say goodbye the awful cycle would begin. I would feel sad that we had to say goodbye, and I would try to prolong it. Matt would get frustrated that I was prolonging it because he had to go work on a paper, so he would just get a brief "talk to you later" in there and be on his way. I would shut my phone and cry for 3 minutes, feeling completely abandoned and unloved and then I would called Matt back. . . He would then assure me of his love and we would begin the whole hanging up routine again.

My word. I really was insane.

So maybe you aren't that crazy - but for me feeling completely secure and confident in the way someone else feels about me is difficult. I tend to compare myself with others and often find myself wanting. I don't always feel like I deserve the love of the people in my life, so I try my very hardest to earn it.

Do you want to know something amazing? That isn't how God's love works. There isn't some way that we have to earn our princess status in Christ. Here's what we do: we admit that we are broken; we confess that we have sinned; we believe - not just with our minds, but with our hearts, hands & feet that Jesus can wash us clean. . . and we rest in the knowledge that His love is enough!

I don't have to worry about earning His love any more than I need to try and make you like me. I can walk through this hallway of life focused on the alternate universe that will one day be my home. . . smiling because His love for me is not explosive and unpredictable. It is never changing, never fading, always present love. And it is all I will ever need in this life and the next.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. 1 Peter 2:9-10

There you go friends; Princess 101.

Gag Me

I used to like to think of myself as a manly Christian. Is that weird? Maybe a tad. But it seemed preferable to thinking of myself as a girly Christian. Girly Christians made me gag.

That sounds like such a harsh way to start this post, but I've got to be honest, right?

So maybe I should explain myself before anyone takes this the wrong way. It all goes back to one particular night in college when I found myself slightly ashamed to be a girl. You see, I was involved in Campus Crusade for Christ and we would often have "Mens' Times" and "Womens' Times" where the boys and girls would separate and we would hear talks geared specifically for our gender. To some of you this sounds weird already, doesn't it?

Well, anyway, on one fateful night I remember coming home from our Women's Time and talking to some of the boys. They were super pumped about what they had learned and were talking on and on about it. It was something totally manly and spiritual like being a man and rejecting passivity. Then the unfortunate moment came when they asked us what we learned at the Women's Time, and I had to choke out these words: "Well, we learned that since Jesus is a Prince and we are all his adopted sisters that we are, in fact, all princesses."

At this point it might help to remind you that I was not in kindergarten but college.

So it was at that moment that I decided to try and 'man up' the women's ministry on our campus. I was desperate for opportunities to go deeper; I wanted to learn something more significant than my princess status or how to look trendy and modest at the same time. . . I firmly believed that being a girl didn't mean I had to be a syrupy Christian.

I still believe all those things are true, but I gotta admit, my perspective on the princess thing has changed.

I think we need to hear about our princess status in Christ; I think we're never too old to be reminded of what it means to be a girl and a Christian at the same time.

Here's the deal: I've never met a girl who didn't struggle with insecurity and unhealthy comparison on one level or another. And the only truly effective solution I've ever found for this epidemic is understanding our true identity and ultimate worth in God's eyes.

You see, not talking about these things would be like trying to skip kindergarten. No one skips kindergarten - its where you learn how to read and the rest of school would be a little challenging if you couldn't read.

Its no different with the princess thing. It is foundational to our relationship with God and our ability to live out our faith effectively. The problem is that a lot of us start hearing about it when we're 5, so we associate it as a lack of growth and maturity thing. We think things like, "Oh, I've heard that since I was 5, I get it. I don't need to hear about the princess thing anymore - I'm too mature for that."

Except - I think we have a faulty system for determining when we have graduated from princess training school. Take reading, for example. When do you know that someone has learned to read? When they can read. Brilliant.

So, how do we know that we have fully understood our position in Christ as a girl? When we live and act and speak and think in ways that show complete confidence in ourselves and the way that God has made us. When we are never tempted to judge another girl's behavior or skills or put someone else down so that we will feel better about ourselves. When we are overjoyed at the successes of others even if it means we're a notch or two lower on the totem pole.

Whenever there are still hints of insecurity in our lives, well, those are reminders that on some level we have not fully understood or accepted our princess status. The funny thing is that when I was 19 I thought I had passed that course. I thought it was beneath me.

Now that I'm 30 I am realizing that I might never pass that course. I will be in princess training for the rest of my life. . . and I'm ok with that. My brilliant solution to all of this is to do both. I can simultaneously work on understanding my position in Christ and growing deeper in my knowledge of the Scriptures. They can work together. . .

It is a dangerous place to be when we think we have it all figured out, don't you think?

Its ok to be a girly Christian. . . so long as we are continually striving to find our full selves in Christ and pursue Him with all we are and have. . .

I'm a princess.

And I'm not feeling the urge to gag one bit.

Love & Prayer

I love to read. When I was younger I was addicted to fiction. I especially loved adventures set in times long ago. . . As I grew up and started taking my faith more seriously I started reading books that talked about God; books that helped me walk with Him and live for Him more fully.

I remember one car trip with Matt before we had kids. I was reading out loud from a book by D.A. Carson, who happened to be one of Matt's professor's at seminary. The book was about prayer; how we can look to Paul's prayers in the Epistles as models for our own prayers. For some reason I remember being particularly moved by what I was reading at some point and bursting into tears. Poor Matt. I believe I kept reading as I sobbed. . . I'm not sure he was able to glean much from that particular reading. . .

That incident was at least 6 years ago, but there are parts of that particular book that have stuck with me to this day. There is something powerful about praying Paul's prayers for myself and for the people I love.

So this morning I am praying for you. The other day I talked about how love seemed to be the theme of my God-thoughts these days. . . and it will continue to be the theme of my summer as we hit the road with our bible study on His Revolutionary Love.

Today I am praying that you can experience the richness of His love in a powerful and life-transforming way. God knows I am longing for it to continually transform mine. . .

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14-19

L-O-V-E

In my last post I wrote about the all consuming, amazing love of Christ. I spoke about the power of that love to heal our hurts and lift us out of the struggles we face. . . This summer we're going to kick off some small groups at Big Tree and I'm leading a girls study based off of the book "His Revolutionary Love." As you would assume from the title, the whole purpose of the book is to help us see that God's love is more than sufficient to fill our hearts and lives with joy, and peace, and significance. . . Over the last few weeks Matt has discovered some new music - and all of my favorites from these fabulous bands are songs specifically expressing the love of our God for us.

Do you see a theme here?

This has happened to me before. When I was in late elementary school I remember writing this in my diary: "Dear God, everything around me has to do with bras and periods lately. What does this mean?" Apparently it meant nothing except that all my friends were maturing at a much faster rate than myself. Oh well.

But sometimes I feel like there is a purpose behind the "coincidental" themes in our lives. Its like God is preparing us for something; or like He is making things obvious so that we actually sit down and ponder what we're learning.

So I find myself thinking, "Do I really understand the enormity and expansiveness of God's love for me?" I think the more we understand this love, the easier life on this fallen earth becomes. The more we depend on this love, the greater our capacity to forgive those who disappoint and hurt us here. And the more we return this great love to our God, well, the more our lives begin to look like an accurate reflection of Christ. . . our Savior, our King, our brother, and our ultimate example.

I'm glad that God is finding so many ways to set His love before my eyes. It is life giving and heart filling. . . and it makes my love for Him grow ever so strong and steady.

Here is one of my new favorite songs. If you have a minute, give it a good listen. . . and roll around a little in God's overflowing love while you're at it. . .

One Thing Remains

You Make Me Beautiful

I am so excited about what happened in our youth room last Wednesday night. 62 girls gathered together to hear about the painful reality of eating disorders and cutting. It is an epidemic that our culture is feeding; one that begins in small and innocent ways and ends in heartache, emptiness, and sometimes death. I don't mean to be dramatic. . . its just the simple truth.

The wonderful hope in it all? That there is another way.

Truly - there is another way to face the hurt and pain in your life. Another way to deal with the rejection of parents, or friends, or family. . . There is a source of comfort that will never fade, or diminish, or abandon you.

There is a way that you can see yourself that does not involved shame, or disappointment, or failure.

Oh - sweet friends - there is Jesus! He is the way. He is the truth. And He is the life - the very best life you will ever know. A few months back I wrote a blog about beauty, and the discouragement that we often feel when we compare ourselves to the world's standards. You can read that post here. If you are struggling with the expectations this world has for you and are feeling like you'll never measure up - take a minute and read it. . .

Most of all, I hope you know that in Jesus we have the most overwhelming, radical, consuming love we could ever hope to find. That love heals, protects, fills up, and finds beautiful absolutely every single person it enters.

Do you have that love in you?

This world tells you the 587 steps you need to take to become beautiful. That love tells you that you already are.

Don't just read that and walk away. Marvel in that. You are beautiful to Him. His love completes You. And there is nothing you could ever do to lose it. . .

I like that way of living and dealing with life a whole lot better than the way the world offers. . . don't you?

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Fluffy Puff

A few days ago I was up early in the morning reading my bible and spending some sweet time with my God. I was so excited about a particular passage that I actually woke Matt up to tell him about it. I was reading in 1 Corinthians and I stumbled upon this:

Now about food sacrificed to idols: We know that we all possess knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. The man who think he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is known by God. 1 Cor 8:1-3

I love that line: Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. I don't know about you, but I am thinking that being built is better than being puffed. It reminds me of the story of the 3 little pigs. One builds a house of straw, another a house of sticks, and the third a house of bricks. With a huff and a puff the evil wolf blows the first 2 houses down without much effort. But when said wolf faces the brick structure he finds himself unable to puff it down. . . I'm thinking the straw and stick houses are great pictures for the "puffing" up that Paul is talking about. They are weak and unstable, and on their own they do nothing to protect the terrified pigs from the evil one.

The interesting thing, though, is that in these verses it is actually knowledge that is the cause of the puffing up. That seems strange, doesn't it?

Our Christian culture places such a huge emphasis on knowledge. We are dubious about acquiring information, protecting that information, and informing others of the ways that they are misinterpreting or mishandling the information that we have so wisely gathered. Could it be that the pursuit of knowledge is not so holy and wonderful as we first thought?

Well, I can answer that question quickly: no. We are called to search out understanding and to seek wisdom. There is absolute truth and we are absolutely called to live by it. If we don't know and understand this gospel that we live then we will be unstable ourselves. . .

So what is Paul saying, then, if not that knowledge is bad?

I think he is telling us that knowledge is not everything. There is a point to which knowledge can actually cause us to stumble; a breaking point where the stuff we know begins to choke the life out of us.

The remedy for this problem? Love.

When we filter our knowledge through the love of Christ in us that knowledge becomes a source of strength rather than a burden to us or a yoke that we place on others. When love is behind our attempts to protect and preserve the truth, we are less puffed and more built. . .

There is so much more that we could glean from this passage of scripture; the wider context is so thought provoking and insightful. . . but for today, this is the challenge that I want to leave you with:

Sometimes our knowledge of right and wrong does more damage than good. Sometimes we need to be a little less focused on whether or not everyone is playing by the rules and a little more concerned about whether or not they have the love of Christ. If not, are they seeing it through us? Or are they seeing someone who is filled to overflowing with moral smarts and totally lacking in compassion, understanding, and the love that exceeds all understanding?

I don't know about you, but I want desperately to be built up in Christ. No more fluffy puff here, my friends. I will strive to work out my knowledge through the scope of God's amazing love, and while I will never sacrifice what I know is absolute truth, I will also never use it as a club to beat down those in my midst.

Knowledge and love.

Both. And.

End of story.

The Modesty Gestapo

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you might have noticed that I purchased a new swimsuit online today. To say that I am excited about it might be an understatement. Swimsuits and I have had a long history of not getting along. I suppose I shouldn't be getting too excited yet seeing as how I haven't even tried it on, but I have good vibes about this one. . . I think we were meant to be.

I stumbled upon the website doing a Google search for "modest swimsuits." The first few sites listed were geared towards Mormon, Christian, Muslim and Jewish women. I didn't even try those sites. I had a sneaking suspicion that their swimsuits would be a little less than fabulous. I know that is judgmental and that I should never assume things like that; but I did.

You see, I used the word "modest" in my Google search because the style of swimsuit that I happen to feel most comfortable in fits within that general category. Now, the word modest is a big word in the Christian world, but I didn't use it because I believe that it has any magical power to make me a better Christ follower. To be really honest, I have come to the point where the word modesty kinda gives me the heebee jeebees.

Here is the deal. I don't like the rules that Christian society has created to happily wrap up and market this whole idea of modesty. I don't like it because I don't think it accurately reflects the heart of God.

I believe that when the bible talks about things related to modesty, we are meant to be challenged on the inside, not the outside. I believe that "modesty" can and does mean different things in different cultures. You can't make everything black and white.

But here is what IS black and white. A modest heart is one that seeks to honor Christ above all else. A modest mind is one that is consumed with serving others and lifting others up instead of making itself the continual center of attention. A modest appearance is one that does not demand negative and inappropriate attention, but one that displays the beauty of God's wonderful creative powers and the confidence of a girl defined not by her looks but by her status as a daughter of the Almighty Father.

I will never give you swimsuit rules because God hasn't given us swimsuit rules. He has given us His own Spirit as an internal guide and source of wisdom. Now, if I happen to run into you on the beach and your appearance is so provocative that I feel scandalous standing next to you I might say something. But it won't be a critique of your swimwear. It will be a challenge to enter into the presence of your Father and seek out His perspective on the state of your heart and the source of your self worth.

I started reading a great little e-book the other day called "Lies My Pastor Told Me." One of the lies is that the bible is a book of rules. I hope you know that isn't true. There are rules in the bible, but the primary purpose of the bible is to reveal the true story of the whole world and God's heart towards us. We add to those rules to make ourselves feel more comfortable, to give us identifiable boundaries to live within, and to guide and instruct the people around us. Rule making isn't always born out of impure motives; in fact, I think it is usually born out of a desire to lead people closer to Christ. But the problem with rules is that the result isn't usually to draw people to Christ. On the contrary, rules often leave people feeling judged, inadequate, and condemned.

I like modest swimsuits because I like to sit in the sand with my kids and run around the beach without having to "adjust" my suit 8,000 times.

Your swimsuit might look very different, and I think that is just fine. Inasmuch as your desire is to honor Christ in all that you do, then I believe you have the freedom to choose whatever kind of swimsuit accurately reflects that relationship.

I guess if I were to create a swimsuit rule it would be this: love Jesus with all your heart, and mind, and soul, and strength. . . and then go buy the most fabulous and comfortable swimsuit you lay your sweet little eyes on!

The Jesus Stamp of Approval

Last weekend I attended a womens conference at my church. I was the high school small group leader, so I admittedly walked into it with more expectations for how God would work in the lives of the girls than how He would work in my own life.

I believe that God did work in the girls lives - but through out the entire weekend I felt like the focus of His presence and attention rested right on me. He spoke to me last weekend, and I came face to face with the perpetual struggle within my soul.

Galatians 1:10 says this:
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

And that, my friends, is the nature of the battle I fight inside. I think this verse should be tattooed on my forehead so that I never forget it. I could share the hundreds of ways that God has shown me that the approval of others is pointless, but I can also tell you that though this battle has been much easier and much less frequent as a result of those lessons, it is still one that I face.

Here is the cool thing: when God was laying that verse on my heart last weekend I was thinking very specifically about ways in which I had recently been consumed with worry about what others thought of me or my family. I assumed that God was humbling me (which, I'm sure He was), and that He was correcting wrong thinking that I had allowed to creep back in over recent days and weeks.

Alright girls, now fast forward one week. I have decided that God's plans are much bigger than we could ever know (surprise!). God was not just humbling me or correcting my thinking; He was preparing me for a battle that was soon to come.

You see, I had no idea that I would face another situation a week later in which my heart would be shredded in the attempt to seek approval from others. Sometimes we don't see what is coming - but God does. He knew that I would need to have a fresh reminder of what actually matters so that I could walk through the next week without completely falling apart.

Oh how I love Him, my Father God!

There is such confidence and hope and joy when we understand and live by the truth of His word. How awesome that we can truly be unconcerned with the opinions of others and totally consumed with the perspective of our Savior. There is one man - one Spirit - one God whose opinion actually matters.

If we take Galatians 1:10 at its word, then I would go so far as to say that it is impossible to serve Christ and seek approval from others. And lets get one thing straight here: this verse is referring to any kind of approval outside of God's approval. There is no distinction here between approval from ungodly or worldy people and approval from brothers and sisters in Christ. I can be no more consumed with the opinions of other Christians than I can with people whose beliefs are completely opposed to mine.

I want to be a servant of Christ. I want to honor Him with every moment and every breath. I am daily praying that I would continue to understand the freedom that I have so intensely tasted and to then carry that freedom to every dark place in my heart in every difficult situation I face.

Are you consumed with what others think of you? Let me assure you that when you get to heaven and stand before Christ you will not hear this: "Well, I don't know honey. I mean, Erin Fisher thought you were pretty awesome, but this girl Betty thought you were kinda lame. I just don't know if I want to associate with someone lame, you know?"

The heart of Christ is pure and unblemished, and when we seek His approval we are safe and free to live the lives that we were called to live. We will experience life to the fullest and joy unparalleled.

Are you now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or are you trying to please men? If you are still trying to please men, you cannot be a servant of Christ.

I can promise you something wonderful, too. As you work to seek the approval of Christ and live for Him alone you will soon understand something amazing about the "Jesus stamp of approval."

You already have it. . . just as you are.