Never Give Up

Well, I'm 30 now. Its funny how old that seemed at one point in my life. . . Now I'm ready for it! I love that I'm 30, and I feel like this next decade is going to be fabulous. I've been thinking a lot about my post last week, especially in light of my birthday. If you didn't see it, I had shared about my (frustrating) tendency to change who I am and how I act depending on the people that I'm around.

The thing is, though, that when I wrote that post I wasn't writing it in a discouraged or defeated way. I had seen something in myself (well, with the help of a certain love of mine pointing it out), and was processing the good, the bad, and the ugly. I didn't cry (amazing!), and by the end of the discussion/reflection time I was actually encouraged thinking about what God can and will do through me.

That, my friends, is why I'm excited to be 30. Not making sense yet?

You see, there is a beautiful thing that comes from age and experience (though you don't need either of those things to gain it!) called maturity. Just a few short years ago if anyone I loved pointed out a sin issue in my life I would crumble to the floor in tears and self loathing. I was incapable of receiving constructive criticism without letting it effect my own feelings of self worth.

But now, God has done this crazy thing in me. He has given me this unwavering confidence in where I stand with Him. He has affirmed in me His great love and unfailing mercy, and I am not afraid to discover (and consequently share) my weaknesses and struggles with others. I'm not afraid because I finally understand and believe that they don't define me.

I am a child of God. I am loved, forgiven, redeemed, adopted, and filled. I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine. . .

On some level I will probably always be fighting my people-pleasing tendencies, but I am aware of that propensity and continually pray and work towards a single-minded, Christ-pleasing mentality.

I am running after Christ and throwing off the hindrances that distract me from my cause. I'm not sinless, but I know I sin less. And when I do stumble along the way the path to repentance seems much clearer than it did before.

When you feel overwhelmed and discouraged with your sin, and when it feels like you will never turn that corner and be completely free, remember that sometimes it isn't until you turn around and look back that you realize how much you've really grown.

And when it is difficult to see growth even there, take your eyes off of your struggles and remember who you are, and whose you are. . .

Ephesians 1:3-11 (the message):

How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.

Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we're a free people—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth.

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.

Chameleon

Do you ever find yourself in situations where it is difficult to really be yourself? Like you have to veil a part of who you are, or emulate something that isn't necessarily what you're like? I find myself feeling this way often. . . I know where it comes from; why I do it. It isn't a quality that I hope to pass on to my children, because the root issue at hand here is my desperate longing for acceptance and approval from others who cross my path (not a desirable or Christ-like longing).

My chameleon tendencies are exaggerated even further because I have this natural dramatic flair that makes it really easy for me to change into whatever "character" best fits whatever context I happen to find myself in. I can even change the way I talk and how I communicate like flippin' a switch.

I'm telling you all this because I'm trying to be real (the whole point of this blog, yes?) but it is an unfortunate and difficult thing to admit (especially seeing as how it is something I have recognized and fought against time and time again over the years. . . ). I want to be the kind of woman who is consistent and transparent in all circumstances; no matter who I'm around or what they are like. I want to be completely unafraid to be who I am. You see, it isn't that my actions or words in these situations are sinful, its the heart behind them that is longing for acceptance from people instead of God.

I am most convicted when I think about Christ. Do you think he ever changed the way he spoke or how he acted in order to convince the crowds that he was fabulous? Do you think he allowed the attitudes and behaviors of others to define his behavior? No way, my friends. . . I am convinced that Jesus was completely unconcerned with acceptance, and completely consumed with truth. It didn't matter how others perceived him, only that he was following after the will of his Father.

I am also convicted when I think about God, my Father. His unchanging character is what gives us the greatest confidence and assurance of our eternal destiny with Him. If He was continually swaying with the wind, following the fickle desires of His heart, we would have no confidence in where we stand. But He is a rock; unmovable, unchangeable, forever and always the same. How awesome is that?

So, that's where my heart is this morning. . . Immensely grateful for a Savior who lived the greatest example, and for a God who offers unending opportunities to be molded into the example Christ has set (and through His Spirit the power to do it!).

Oh, pray with me that we would all run unashamedly after Christ in whatever capacity He has fashioned us to run!

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

He grew up before him like a tender shoot, like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. Isaiah 53:3

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

Lead me on

Now that I have been out of routine for a few weeks I'm finding it difficult to find that place of consistency again. . . In some ways that is good. Some old habits that needed to change have been altogether erased without much effort on my part. Writing, however, seems to have been added to the list of neglected activities, and that is frustrating. . . I guess I should extend myself some grace - after all, our life was turned upside down a couple weeks ago. I just have this inner longing to be settled and scheduled the minute I arrive somewhere new. Its an unrealistic and unnecessary need, but one that I feel deeply nonetheless.

So my lack of posting is annoying to me, because there is no shortage of activity going on inside this head and heart of mine. I am doing my best to catalog this experience in my long term memory; cementing this time so that one day I can look back and relive the joys and fears and wonders of the transition.

The truth of the matter is that everything is different in my life right now. I feel like I was headed 100 miles an hour in one direction and suddenly (overnight!) shifted 180 degrees the opposite way. . . Neither direction is inherently good or bad - just different. I am loving this different. I am grateful for this opportunity and expectant for what God will do.

I look to the road I was on and I can see how God truly works all things for the good of those who love Him. I see how His hand was leading us and how His Spirit transformed us. I think about the friendships that we developed and the lives that we touched, and I am grateful. It was good.

And now I look ahead to the road before us, and I am excited. . . Oh, how awesome it is to live the life! What amazing joy and hope and assurance there is when we follow Jesus - really follow Jesus. Its gonna be good. Different in every way, but good.

One day I'll look back on this time and see it as the road I was on, rather than the one I currently travel. I'll recognize the ways that God worked in us and through us here, and hopefully I'll be able to turn my face to the new road ahead and feel the same anxious anticipation and hope that I feel right now.

We keep our eyes on Jesus, we follow regardless of the cost, and we race on for the joy set before us, for the road yet traveled.

Oh, this is gonna be a good road. I can tell already. . .

Rebel with a cause

I am not naturally rebellious. I am a rule follower. Give me a rule; I will follow it. I am horrified by the idea of failing to meet others' expectations, and even more distraught at the thought of actually getting into trouble. Last week we were rebuked by the association where we live for using sidewalk chalk on the walkway to our apartment. I cried. Now, I'm pretty sure I was not just crying about breaking the rule, but it pushed me over the edge nonetheless.

You have to love the way God works, though, because He has pushed my rule-following ways to the absolute limit lately. You see, for some reason He has instilled this far greater need within me to follow Jesus. Jesus first, rules second. That might sound strange, because we usually assume that those two are equivalent. Jesus made the rules, right?

Not necessarily. Jesus laid out a passion, a plan, and a purpose for each of our lives. When we look to His life, His teaching, and His example we gain a clear picture of how we are to live. The problem is that over time we tend to develop an aching need to paint the picture a little clearer and add to the example of Christ.

Sometimes we can become so bogged down in following our revised vision of the Christian life that we lose sight of Christ altogether (Mark 7). When we lose sight of Christ, the clear passion, plan and purpose for our lives becomes lost as well. We begin to live in a morality bubble where following the rules somehow trumps following Christ.

Lately, there have been moments where I actually feel rebellious. Strange, isn't it, that I could feel rebellious following Christ? Especially seeing as how it most often occurs when I'm with other Christians. . .

Rules aren't bad or wrong. Sometimes I think we just forget the why behind the rule and the rule becomes the end instead of the means. Or we just accept the rule without really processing it through the words and life of Christ to determine if its actually legitimate.

Jesus first. Rules second.

If you love me, you will obey what I command. John 14:15

It isn't that we're not to be obedient, only that our obedience flows first from our love. We focus on our relationship with Christ and look to Him for our standards for living. Love Him first and obedience to Him follows quite easily.

Jesus first. Rules second.

Works every time. . .