Jesus Journal

Today I'm kicking off a new little mini-series on the Hill for Girls.  I think I tried this once before, but it didn't end up working out because I only did it once.  Can you have a one episode mini-series?  I think not. . .

Anyway, I've been journaling about my walk with Jesus for about 13 years now.  I have compiled a pretty huge collections of prayers, devotions, struggles, and diary-like entries that could provide hours upon hours of entertainment.  Well, entertainment might not be the right word - depends on your persective I suppose. . .

All that said, once a week I'm going to open the door for you to catch a glimpse into some of my thoughts and prayers along the way.  Why?  Well, I'm hoping that you'll see things that offer hope or encouragement to your current circumstance.  I'm praying that some of the difficulties I have faced will speak into your situation and draw you closer to Jesus.  I believe that my own transparency might just give you the courage to be transparent with someone about your own hurts, failures, joys and longings!

I think its going to be great fun.  Maybe a little embarrassing at points, and definitely a lot humbling. . .  But you know what?  If it will serve to draw you closer to Jesus - even if just a little - then it is worth it.  I would seriously do anything to see you growing in your knowledge and love of God. . .

Anything.

So, without further ado: 

January 27th, 2000

Well, I need to pray about time management.  Today has been a bust.  Its when I actually have a free afternoon that I get nothing done. . . man.  Discipleship with Cathy was good.  Good just to catch up.

Praying about Rome - I have such a "its not gonna happen" attitude - but I know that God can do amazing things in order to bring about His perfect will!  I just need to TRUST!!

This entry makes me smile.  First of all, I STILL suffer from total laziness on days when I have nothing going on. . .  11 years later and God's still got work to do there! =) 

Second of all, Cathy was my mentor through out much of my college experience.  She is an amazing woman who inspired me and encouraged me in ways I cannot begin to express.  I am so grateful for the role she played in my life! 

Lastly, the reference to Rome was regarding a missions trip I wanted to go on.   I was at a point where I thought maybe God didn't want me to go.  I didn't know how I was going to raise the money.  Its so fun to share with you that God DID do some pretty amazing things to make that trip possible!!  I had a smack-you-in-the-face experience where God made it clear that He wanted me to go and that He would provide the means. . .  (I learned a lot that summer about what it means to trust in God. . .  funny how He answers our prayers sometimes. . . but more on that topic another day).

I love being able to look back and see God's faithfulness at different points in my life.  Its so good to remember those moments when the temptation to sink into unbelief presses in on all sides. 

We all face difficulties and discouragements.  In remembering God's past faithfulness we find the hope to continue to trust in Him to work all things out for our good!

HELLO: My Name Is WhaDeeDum

We had a little dog when I was growing up in Illinois.  He was probably the ugliest little dog I've ever seen.  He had wiry (and greasy) black and brown hair, and when he was wet he looked like a rat.  When we got him from the shelter his name was WhaDeeDum.  I'm not sure if that's how you spell it, but that's how it sounds.

The first thing we did when we brought him home was change his name.  Now he had a new identity to go with his new home and new family:  Bear.  He might have been ugly and little, but we gave him a name that could instill courage in his little 4 lbs of bones.  We fed him, played with him, took him for walks, and talked to him.  Ok, I talked to him.  And alright, I'll admit that most of the time I was just telling him how ugly he was in a really sing-songy voice so that he didn't know I was being mean. . . but still, I did talk to him.

So you get the point - we took care of him!  This sweet little doggy got a new start with the Carlsen clan.  His previous home - before the shelter - had been abusive, so this was a completely different life for the little guy.

At first he seemed scared by everything.  If we walked in a room too quickly, or too loudly, or if we happened to swing our hand or foot anywhere near him, he would crouch down and whimper as if we were about to hit him.  It was so sad watching him fear us so much!

But he learned, eventually, that we were not going to hit him.  He was never exactly a brave dog, but he didn't seem so afraid of everything after a while.

WhaDeeDum's story reminds me a little of the Christian life.

You see, we start out life in this world with a certain identity.  Once we are adopted into God's family, we get a brand new one.  And not just a new identity, but a new home, a new family, and a completely new heart.

 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!  2 Corinthians 5:17

I am not who I used to be. . . but wouldn't it be sad if I still lived as if I was?

What if Bear (Whadeedum) never stopped shrinking back when we reached out to pet him?  What if over the course of 10 years he never learned that he could trust us?  His life would have been just a pale reflection of what it could have been had he trusted in our love. . .

Same is true for us.  If we go through out Christian life without truly understanding this new identity we have in Christ; this power we have through His Spirit; our life will only be a pale reflection of what it was meant to be.

If you are a follower of Jesus you have been remade.  The same power that created and sustains this earth and that rose Jesus from the dead lives IN you.  You don't need to cower in fear over the difficulties in this life.  You are called to live courageously and boldly; to grasp ahold of your new "name" and live out that new identity to its fullest.

Our God is worthy of our trust, and His promises to us are certain. 

Are you intimidated or afraid to try and live out the humility I've talked about over the last few days?  Remember in those moments that God has not called you to do something without first equipping you with the power source to do it.

My name was sinner.  I was poor, wretched, blind, lost, selfish, condemned, judged, and enslaved.

Now?  My name is saint.  I am pure, holy, blameless, loved, redeemed, empowered, and freed.

I will - by God's grace - live out my true identity, and moment by moment reject the one I left behind. 

I am not who I once was. 

And if you are in Christ, neither are you.

You First

I wouldn't be a very good feminist.  Don't get me wrong - I definitely believe in equality when it comes to our place in society, government, and the like.  When we are talking about the worth of any human soul, I think it is wrong and disgusting to put one above any other.  We are all precious; every one created in the image of God.

But on a personal level, I don't think feminists would be too happy with me.  Its my view of marriage that I think might disturb them.  I have a very simple philosophy that I can sum up in this single sentence:

Everything I do ought to make Matt's life easier.

Marriage - to me - isn't about me.  Its about emptying myself for someone else.  Its about laying down my rights, my pride, and my self-centered attitude.  Its about going the extra mile to make my best friend feel like a million bucks - even if that means that things don't always appear fair. 

I know a lot of people exist in marriages where there is a checklist mentality.  If you get to do ___, then I deserve a chance to ___.  If I have to ____, then you should have to ___.  Just so long as everyone is exerting the same amount of effort and sacrifice, everything is all good. 

I suppose some marriages work quite fine that way, at least for a time.  But ultimately I don't think that perspective is going to foster a marriage that lasts a lifetime.  Why?

Because that isn't how we were designed to live.  We were made in the image of God; designed for a purpose and a plan that will ultimately fulfill us and bring us life's greatest joy.  We can search high and low for fulfillment outside of that plan - but we will never be truly satisfied.  And, for every single one of us (man or woman), part of that plan is laying down our own rights in humility, and serving the people in our lives. 

After all, that is what Jesus did, right?

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.   Phil. 2:5-7

Now, some people start to get worried at this point .  We live in a fallen, broken world, and there are people who will take advantage of us if we let them.  This call to humility and service might evoke a  response like, "if all I'm ever doing is looking out for my husband's happiness then who will look out for mine?" 

Fair question, but I don't think you're going to like my answer.  Look at the verse that directly precedes the one I quoted above:

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!  Phil. 2:8

Jesus lived a completely self-sacrificing life.  He served others when He deserved to be the one getting served.  He emptied Himself, made Himself a nobody so that others could be lifted up.  Do you know what that got him?

Death.  And not just death - but death on a cross.  The most shameful and painful kind of death the Roman empire dealt out.

So we're supposed to have this same mentality.  We're supposed to live out this life of service, putting the needs of others before our own.  And what can we expect?  Well, sometimes we can expect that life will be difficult.  It isn't always easy and breezy - but remember that fulfillment and joy I was talking about before?  Well, it is deeper, and more wonderful, and more satisfying than all of the pleasure this world could ever offer.

Its worth it.

But its hard. 

And you know, it isn't just meant for wives to their husbands.  I want to be Jesus to Matt, because that's what I believe I'm called to do.  But there is a calling on Matt's life as well; one for him to be Jesus to me.  And it extends to our friends, our relatives, our coworkers, our teachers, and on and on.  There is no other human soul that I am not called to serve in love and humility.

It doesn't matter how different they are from me.  Jesus humbled himself before a group of people who spat on him and made fun of him.  Who am I that I deserve more than that?

Now don't get me wrong - I fail at this about a thousand times a day.  There are so many opportunities that go wasted because I get consumed with my own happiness and comfort. . . But by God's grace and through His strength I pray that every day I'll empty myself out more and more, loving everyone who crosses my path with a greater love than I think they deserve.  The kind of love that I've been given. 

Who can you serve today?  Whose life can you make a little easier. . . and little better. . . and a little more blessed because you were in it?

You want to find the ultimate joy is this life?  Crazy enough, it starts with laying your own life down.


*and please know, I am not suggesting that women (or men) stay in abusive marriages.  That is a different situation altogether. 

Pay it Forward

It takes more grace than I can tell
To play the second fiddle well

I stumbled upon that quote this morning as I was reading.  How true are those words!  It is such a difficult thing to be genuinely happy when others outshine us in any area of life, isn't it?  And we aren't just supposed to deal with it. . . no, as followers of Christ we're supposed to rejoice because of it! 

Yesterday I shared these verses from Philippians:

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Phil. 2:1-4

Here is the deal, friends.  Paul is calling us toward this radical humility for a really great reason:  we have received so many blessings as a result of our faith, that there is no logical response but to pour that blessing out on others!

A few questions for those who have trusted in Christ:  Has anyone in your church or youth group ever encouraged you?  Have you ever been going through a difficult time and felt a sense of peace and hope after praying, reading your bible, or talking to another Christian friend?  Have you ever been at a conference or youth gathering and felt the presence and assurance of God in greater ways than you could have ever imagined?  Have you ever received compassion and love from someone who probably should have been angry with you instead?

I'm guessing you could have said yes to at least a few of those questions.  There is so much blessing and beauty in this life we live with Christ. . . and so many of those blessings and that beauty come to us in the form of other people, right?!?

I have seen Jesus displayed through others all my life.  I could tell countless stories of how God has used people to show Himself to me.  To shower me with love, grace, and forgiveness.  To remind me that I am not alone.

THAT is why I am called to lift others up as higher than myself.  Like I said yesterday, it isn't an exercise in low self-esteem, no, it is simply the outworking of us living out what we have already received - first from God, second from others.

You have lifted me up, comforted me, encouraged me, and drawn me closer to Jesus.  So now it is my turn to do that for you.

When we see humility in that light, it isn't so weird and unnatural sounding, is it?  Maybe playing second fiddle is a little easier when you take a closer look at the light and joy in the eyes of the person for whom you stepped aside and allowed to sit in first.

Our sinful nature wants us to be first fiddle all the time.  It takes a little reflection and a lot of courage to deny that inward desire and play by a different set of rules.

Today I am praying that you make one choice - just one - to allow someone else first fiddle in your life.  Lets give back some of the bountiful blessings we've received, yes?


And the coolest part about living with that kind of heart?  It causes our own lives to overflow with joy and peace, knowing that we have surrendered our own selfish ambitions for the sake of those around us. . . it is a beautiful thing to behold.

Love Showers

I am fully aware that everyone is not like me.  Most of the time.  There are occasions when I loose sight of that reality and assume that the lense through which I see and feel the world is identical to everyone else's.  This morning I blogged about our common need for humility.  I said that we all need a little humbling now and then. . . the reminder of our need for a Savior, no matter how *good* we think we've been.

But this little thought has been plaguing my mind ever since I wrote that this morning.

Some of you might need a little more encouragement than humbling today. . .

Here is the deal:  I've always been a bit of a goodie-too-shoos.  I was the "good Christian girl" who followed all of the rules.  So for me, as I'm guessing it is for others with similar natures, humility doesn't always come easy.  I have always worked hard to do the right things, and my sinful nature wants to take a little credit for all that hard work. . . Not that it would ever measure up to the standard that God has set.  No goodie-too-shoo alive or dead could ever measure up to the King of the Universe. 

But I try, none the less.

So for me, humility is something to strive for, pray for, and work for.  I need that constant reminder that it is CHRIST in me that is deserving of God's favor and choosing.  It is CHRIST in me that makes me holy, pure and righteous.  It is CHRIST in me that God uses to encourage and lift up the people in my life. 

But what I am reflecting on right now is not me, but you.  Because for you, humility might be coming from a completely different direction.  Maybe you're someone who feels that you have made every mistake in the book.  Maybe you already feel completely unworthy of the love of God.  Maybe other people in the church have made you feel like you'll never measure up.

If that is where you're at today, then I want you to know something:  you are a priceless treasure, loved beyond measure, and accepted without condition.  There is nothing you could ever do to either earn or lose the gift of eternal life you receive in Jesus.  Nothing. 

Humility is recognizing that we are lost, fallen, and dying apart from that live-giving relationship with Christ.  But to recognize who we are IN Christ does not negate that humility.

Today some of us need to trip on a crack in the sidewalk, and others need to feel the mighty arms of our Savior lifting us up. I might need a loving reminder that my works do not make me worthy, and you might need to feel the love of God rain down on you so completely that you are enveloped in His grace and mercy.

Wherever you are at, know that the ground is level at the foot of the cross.  I am right there with you, maybe heading in from a different direction, but arriving at the same place nonetheless.

May we all see ourselves as God sees us, and find our security, identity and confidence in that.

Love Cracks

Sometimes we all need a little humbling - myself included.  I have this somewhat frequent habit of thinking I've managed to get it all together.  I convince myself (although I think somewhere deep down I always know its not true) that I've mastered this thing called life; including marriage, motherhood, and everything else.

And then I trip on a crack in the sidewalk.

Seriously - I think God puts cracks in sidewalks to humble me.  You see, when I get to that moment where I think I'm doing pretty well, looking pretty good, realizing others are noticing me in all my fabulousness - I trip on a crack in the sidewalk.  I don't usually fall all the way down to the ground.  I just stumble enough to look ridiculous before I catch my balance and straighten up.  Do you want to know what I think about those cracks?

They show me just how much God loves me.

How is that, you may ask?  Well, He loves me too much to let me live some deluded lie.  He cares so much about my heart and soul that He is willing to let me stumble sometimes so that I can see the truth.  It isn't that God wants me to have low self-esteem, or that I should never be proud of the things I accomplish.  Its that He wants my esteem and pride to stem from the true source of its worth:  Jesus.

I am fabulous.  Because Jesus died on a cross 2,000 years ago to make me that way.  I don't have it all together on my own, but I have it all in Christ.  I will never be the perfect wife, mom, friend, daughter, or teacher.  But every day that I look to Jesus as my guide I know that I will get closer and closer to living a life worthy of this beautiful gospel He wrote.

Humility is a beautiful thing, and we can never underestimate the importance of knowing where we really stand apart from Christ.  I am no more worthy of God's love than any other human being that has ever existed.  I love you, dear friends, but neither are you.  For those of us who happened to grow up in the church, I think its pretty easy to convince ourselves that we're better than a lot of people.  We wouldn't ever say that out loud - we know that such thinking isn't right. . . But, our thoughts and sometimes even our actions betray this hidden belief that somehow we're more worthy.

I think that has something to do with why we can become so lethargic and even bored in our faith.  Its hard to sacrifice your life for a Savior that you aren't really sure you needed. . .

I hope this doesn't sound mean, but today I'm praying that you trip on a crack or two in the sidewalk.  Nothing serious.  I don't want you to fall all the way down to the ground. . .  But I do hope that there are some moments of intense clarity for all of us.  Moments when we realize just how unworthy we really are.  When we acknowledge that we are truly no different or better than any other human on this planet.

It is in those moments that we can rejoice over what Jesus did.  It is then that we simply cannot suppress the longing to offer our lives up to Him and live for Him more fully.

Paul writes it like this in Philippians 2. . .

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

So today, don't curse at the cracks in the sidewalk that make you lose your footing and maybe a little face. . . See them as God's tender, loving way of reminding you that apart from Christ, you are nothing.

And with Him, you have everything.

*Update:  I've been pondering this idea all morning, and had a few more thoughts to share that I hope will be encouraging. . . check 'em out here.

Run With Me

Have you ever watched a little kid trying to step on an escalator for the first time? If you put yourself in their shoes, you realize that it probably seems quite terrifying. Last week I forgot about this truth when I casually hopped on the escalator expecting the kids to follow suit. They didn't. Thankfully Matt was with them, but 1/4 of the way down I looked up and realized there was no way he was going to be able to get both of them on the escalator. So what did this classy mother do? Ran up the down escalator, of course.

We all managed to get down just fine. I'm sure it was a lovely show for everyone watching us in the bookstore.

Besides being a little stressful and a lot humbling, it served an excellent purpose in reminding me of a great analogy for the Christian life.

Imagine a really, really long escalator heading down (that escalator represents life). Jesus is standing at the top of the escalator beckoning us to turn and run up to him. But everything in this world is telling us to keep heading down; away from Christ.

Some of us turn around and listen. We might even acknowledge that Jesus is God, but we don't move. Its too easy to just stand there and let the escalator do the work for us. But there is a huge problem with that response to Christ, right? We're still headed away from where we need to be.

Others begin to walk towards Christ. They have a desire to live for him; they go to church; they even read their bibles sometimes. But there are pieces of their lives that they just can't surrender. There are things they are just unwilling to give up. Have you ever tried just walking backwards up a downward escalator? Where do you go? Yeah, nowhere. Not a great result.

So how do we get closer to Christ? Well, my friends, we throw caution to the wind, our pride over our shoulder, and we run like mad for the top. When we fix our eyes on Christ it means actively rejecting the lies that this world tries to sell us. When we follow Jesus it means purposefully living each day as one who has been redeemed.

Sometimes we won't look so classy or cool.  Sometimes we'll be the ridiculous mother trying to run up the down escalator at Barnes & Noble to help our babies.  But we'll find ourselves closer to Christ and filled with greater joy than we could imagine.

Its the beginning of the school year, and for a lot of us that means a new set of resolutions to make this year count.  Lets begin the year by committing to run.  No more letting the world's escalator take us farther from Christ.  No more standing still.  And no more walking.  Lets not go through the motions of the Christian life; lets live it to its fullest!

Arm flailing, leg stomping pursuit of Christ.

That's my desire.  Are you with me?