Jesus Journal: Whose Praise?

July 21, 1999

My time with the Lord was great again today.  I realized after the awesome day I had yesterday what a difference this makes.  Satan even started getting scared and tried to pull me away using a weak point from my past.  What he doesn't get, though, is that in Christ - even my weak points are strong.  

More and more I am learning how much I do for praise from people.  I pray that I will finally understand that attempting to win praise from people wins me 0 praise from God.  Whose praise would I rather have?

Alright - how awesome is it that I just declared that Satan is scared of me?  Seriously?  Awesome.

So the summer when I wrote this I was on a missions trip of sorts.  I was living in Fort Collins, Colorado with ~60 other college students.  It was the summer after my freshman year, and I was the youngest girl on the trip.  We provided day care during the week days, and spent the evenings and weekends studying the word, sharing our faith, and having lotsa fun.  It was awesome.

 That summer was when I really started to understand the power of having your own, personal relationship with God through His word.  I started reading my bible more consistently.  I tried to study it and meditate on it, not just casually (or halfheartedly) glance at it and move on.

Honestly, I don't remember what "weak point from my past" I was referring to there.  I could probably guess, but in the end I don't think it matters.  What I am so grateful for is that at 18 I somehow understood that sometimes our struggles and discouragements are meant to pull us away from God.  I recognized that truth, and in that moment I refused to allow it to happen.

That isn't always the case.

I'm 31 now, and I still know that this is true, but I often forget the power I have in Christ; that He is my strength - even in my greatest weakness.  It might be true, but sometimes I forget to live like it.

And that second paragraph, well, everyone say hello to Erin's thorn.  This struggle - the desire to earn praise from others - is probably the biggest battle I face.  And unfortunately, I face it daily.  I haven't conquered this yet. . . I do think I'm getting better - God is working in this little heart and helping me to see that no amount of praise from other people will ever fill me up, but I still struggle. . .

But this post doesn't just show an unbelievably mature and insightful 18 yr old (I wish). . . no, unfortunately it also betrays the heart of a girl longing to follow Jesus who sometimes fell into the trap of legalism.  Did you catch that?

It happened when I expressed the people pleasing struggle.  I  said that instead of winning praise from people I need to win praise from God.  There is a very fine and dangerous line right there, friends.  Its the one that seperates God's praise from God's favor and love.  I believe that God does offer praise when we are living out our faith and following in the footsteps on Jesus.  I'm not sure I would ever say that we "earn" that praise, but I do think our actions can inspire it. 

On the other hand, God's favor is something we could never earn.  And that is where my legalism can come into play.  Sometimes I am fooled into believing that my actions can earn God's favor.

Let my state this clearly:  the Christian life is NOT about winning God's favor.  We already have it.  There is nothing I could ever do to get God to love me more; His love is limitless already.

I was right about not trying to win the praise of people - that is true.  Trying to get people to like us will only leave us feeling exhausted, discouraged and usually defeated.  But the alternative isn't the same.

When we turn from people pleasing, we get to simply accept the favor and love of Christ that has been extended to us even in our sinful yuckiness. 

The praise we receive when we walk in faithfulness is the icing on the cake of the love and favor that is already ours.  So I think that question I posed is a good one, so long as we understand it correctly.

Which praise would I rather have?

The praise I have to earn by being something or someone that others like?  Or the praise that comes freely in Christ, together with the favor that is already mine; signed, sealed, and delivered the day Jesus died on that tree?

I don't know about you, but I choose Christ.  Yesterday, today, and forever.

Daydreams and Prayers

The other day I wrote a post about how we tend to let garbage into our hearts and minds, convincing ourselves that we won't be impacted by it all that much. I challenged that thinking by suggesting that everything we allow ourselves to ingest will impact us in one way or another. . .

In case you weren't thoroughly convinced I would like to give you a quick example of how this has played out in my own life.

I like to read. I go through phases where I read constantly, and then periods of drought when I hardly pick up a book. Sometimes I read suspense, sometimes sci-fi, sometimes romance. . . It all just depends on my mood when I'm at the library.

Usually I try to find a book by a Christian author. There have just been too many times when I've thought a book looked really good and then been horrified by the content within. . . I figure, its always safe to read Christian fiction, right?

Hmm. Maybe not.

You see, the word garbage might be too exclusive sounding when it comes to what we feed ourselves. Sometimes the things we ingest are meant for our good, but turn out to take us the wrong direction. Sometimes it isn't garbage at all, but "God-honoring" things that end up creating idols in our lives.

Still confused?

This is where my little analogy comes in (I L-O-V-E analogies. . . ). I'm going to describe two different books that I have read over the last year, and then share the overt influence they each had on my life.

Book 1: I read this book because of my mother. Seriously. She recommended it, and she actually lent me her copy. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have picked it out on my own. It seemed a little cheesy to me. It was about a prayer circle; a group of woman whose lives intersected over their faith. A large portion of the book was just recording the prayers they prayed when they were together. Halfway through I still thought it was a little cheesy. . . but you know, it was kind funny. . . I couldn't put it down.

Book 2: I picked this one out myself. It was set back at the turn of the 19th century, and it involved a young woman and the man she was forced to marry. Of course, as always happens in these books, they ended up falling in love. . . But it took quite a few twists and turns to arrive at their happy ending. I was addicted. I think I read it 23 hours. While somehow managing to also take care of my children. . . mostly.

Now, both of those books are by Christian authors. Neither of them contain any specific content that denies Jesus or goes against the life He has called us to live. Both of them provide some great examples for us to follow as we try to walk in faith.

How did they impact me?

Well, I'm glad you asked. One of them left me daydreaming constantly. Of course, as any girl does, I was inserting myself into the story and imagining it all playing out with myself as the lead character (am I not supposed to admit that at age 31? I may be old - but some things never change). After reading the other book I found myself praying. All the time. It was weird; like I was suddenly constantly aware of God's presence all around me. . . And it was an obvious (yet totally unconscious) response to the book I had read.

Now, I'm guessing that I don't have to tell you which book left me with which result. It should be obvious. And I'm not suggesting that reading romantic novels is evil and sinful. I think it does border on sinful for me, because I want ALL of my daydreams to be centered around the ONE man who has captured my heart and who will hold it forever: my husband. Its kinda hard to picture him as a lumberjack in the early 1900's living in Oregon, though. . . so that makes things tricky. . .

My conclusion? I don't care for the thoughts that tend to swirl around my brain when I read those books.

If I'm going to ingest something, and I know it is going to have an impact on my thoughts, words, and actions. . . well, then I'd like it to be something that encourages the kinds of thoughts, words and actions that I actually want to be living out. I think its pretty cool that a piece of fiction actually caused me to pray more.

Maybe that's a silly example. But I think it perfectly demonstrates the reality of this simple truth: what goes in, must come out.

And it leaves me with the same, simple question for you, dear friends.

What is it that you want coming out of you?

Jesus Journal: Show Me

November 8th, 1999

Well, it has been six days since I really spent some time with the Lord, and you know what?  It is showing in my life.  I have never been so stressed about so many things before.  All I want is so slow down life - take a few steps back and listen to Jesus - because He knows the answer to all my problems.

I wish I could see His plan in writing - like a script.  It would say what to do about ___ and ___, what to do about my major, where to live, where to go to church. . . I want so badly to feel comfort about all these things!  I know His plan is perfect.  I am so afraid that I am not following it right now.  I keep coming up with different plans. . . AGH!!  What is supposed to be, Lord - show me!!

I have always wanted to honor God.  Even as a kid my heart was bent toward Him.  Sometimes its funny, though, when I look back and read the passion I had and the depth of longing I communicated for following Him.  Its funny because some of my memories of life at that point betray the reality that I was a somewhat immature, self-centered young girl, too.

Honestly, some of the choices I made during the year when this was written are still kinda embarrassing.  There are times when I wish I could go back and have a redo - not because I want to change the ultimate outcome, but because I would get to this end a different way now.  I've grown up a little in the last 11 years.

The thing is, though, that part of growing up (for me, at least) was making some ridiculous choices.  Maturity is something we grow into, not something we're born with.  As much as I would like to deny this truth, I recognize that a lot of the foolishness in my past has resulted in the woman I am today.

But it is cool to look back and remember how badly I wanted to follow Jesus. . . even knowing now how often I screwed it up, its pretty awesome to know that my heart's deepest desire was for Christ.

You might be wondering what the blank spaces are all about.   Well, friends, those would be the names of two boys.  And you will never know them.  I may be totally comfortable opening my life up for you all to take a peak, but this is the world wide web, and even I know that some things aren't meant for the world to know. . .

One thing I can tell you for sure: when the deepest desire of your heart is to follow Jesus, He will get you there eventually.  The path might be bumpy, and you are guaranteed to make some mistakes, but He will get you there.

Looking back I realize that there were probably a bunch of different decisions I could have made that would still honor God.  It isn't so much about the specific path we choose as it is about the way we walk on the path we choose.  God can use different people, different majors, different apartments, and yes - even different boys, to draw us closer to Him and help us learn what it means to live for Him.

Ultimately, its the state of your heart, not the location of your bunk that makes the difference.

I wish I had known that back then, when I was so stressed about making the *right* decision. . . but like I said earlier, maybe part of learning this lesson was experiencing the angst and longing for specific direction from God. . .

I hope and pray that your hearts are beating for Christ; that the deepest longing in your hearts is to follow Jesus wherever you go.  And don't get too down on yourself if you make a few mistakes along the way, either.  In those moments just remember that God is working something out in you. . .  It may not be a pretty sight just yet, but He is making you into the woman He wants you to become. . . and His ultimate plan is beauty beyond imagination.

He's not finished with you yet.  And thanks be to God, He's not finished with me either. . .

What Goes In Must Come Out

2 days a week I babysit a beautiful little baby girl.  She is THE most adorable baby, and the days she spends at our house are definitely some of our favorite.  There are, however, fleeting moments when she's with me that I'm reminded about some of the less than glamorous parts of being a mom to a baby.

Like the fact that at least once a day when I change her diaper I get a lovely sneak peak at what she ate for dinner yesterday.

Gross.  I know, I'm sorry!  But this little analogy is just too right on to ignore.

Here is the little rule of life that we know is true no matter what age you are:  what goes in, must come out.  It isn't surprising when a toddler eats a crayon that there is a colorful explosion in the bathroom the next day.  We expect it, don't we?

And yet, somehow, we don't seem to believe that the same is true when it comes to other areas of life. 


We have this silly notion that we can ingest a whole lot of garbage without ever having to see it again.  We make really awesome excuses for why choices that seem obvious aren't so black and white after all. 

If the desire of your heart is to love God and honor Him with your life, then I think taking a little inventory of what you are ingesting would be a worthwhile exercise. 

What are you watching on TV?  What kind of music dominates your Ipod?  Where are you hanging out with your friends on the weekends?

I don't want to be legalistic, but I absolutely have to be realistic.  What you ingest WILL work itself out in your life in one way or another.  If you spend hours every week sitting in front of shows that are completely void of the presence of God (or that mock the life that God has called us to live every 37 seconds), and your own connection to your Savior feels weak, you shouldn't be surprised.

We are silly to think that we can surround ourselves with so much darkness without being impacted by it.

What goes in, must come out.

I know what I want coming out of me (and what God wants for me), and I know which choices I have to make in order for that to happen. . .

Oh, to have the courage and discipline to follow through each and every moment!

Praying for us all this morning. . .  hoping that you are willing to take an honest look at whats goin' into your heart and mind. . . and where there might be garbage going in, I am asking God to grant you the guts to make some different choices this week.

Jesus Journal

Today I'm kicking off a new little mini-series on the Hill for Girls.  I think I tried this once before, but it didn't end up working out because I only did it once.  Can you have a one episode mini-series?  I think not. . .

Anyway, I've been journaling about my walk with Jesus for about 13 years now.  I have compiled a pretty huge collections of prayers, devotions, struggles, and diary-like entries that could provide hours upon hours of entertainment.  Well, entertainment might not be the right word - depends on your persective I suppose. . .

All that said, once a week I'm going to open the door for you to catch a glimpse into some of my thoughts and prayers along the way.  Why?  Well, I'm hoping that you'll see things that offer hope or encouragement to your current circumstance.  I'm praying that some of the difficulties I have faced will speak into your situation and draw you closer to Jesus.  I believe that my own transparency might just give you the courage to be transparent with someone about your own hurts, failures, joys and longings!

I think its going to be great fun.  Maybe a little embarrassing at points, and definitely a lot humbling. . .  But you know what?  If it will serve to draw you closer to Jesus - even if just a little - then it is worth it.  I would seriously do anything to see you growing in your knowledge and love of God. . .

Anything.

So, without further ado: 

January 27th, 2000

Well, I need to pray about time management.  Today has been a bust.  Its when I actually have a free afternoon that I get nothing done. . . man.  Discipleship with Cathy was good.  Good just to catch up.

Praying about Rome - I have such a "its not gonna happen" attitude - but I know that God can do amazing things in order to bring about His perfect will!  I just need to TRUST!!

This entry makes me smile.  First of all, I STILL suffer from total laziness on days when I have nothing going on. . .  11 years later and God's still got work to do there! =) 

Second of all, Cathy was my mentor through out much of my college experience.  She is an amazing woman who inspired me and encouraged me in ways I cannot begin to express.  I am so grateful for the role she played in my life! 

Lastly, the reference to Rome was regarding a missions trip I wanted to go on.   I was at a point where I thought maybe God didn't want me to go.  I didn't know how I was going to raise the money.  Its so fun to share with you that God DID do some pretty amazing things to make that trip possible!!  I had a smack-you-in-the-face experience where God made it clear that He wanted me to go and that He would provide the means. . .  (I learned a lot that summer about what it means to trust in God. . .  funny how He answers our prayers sometimes. . . but more on that topic another day).

I love being able to look back and see God's faithfulness at different points in my life.  Its so good to remember those moments when the temptation to sink into unbelief presses in on all sides. 

We all face difficulties and discouragements.  In remembering God's past faithfulness we find the hope to continue to trust in Him to work all things out for our good!

HELLO: My Name Is WhaDeeDum

We had a little dog when I was growing up in Illinois.  He was probably the ugliest little dog I've ever seen.  He had wiry (and greasy) black and brown hair, and when he was wet he looked like a rat.  When we got him from the shelter his name was WhaDeeDum.  I'm not sure if that's how you spell it, but that's how it sounds.

The first thing we did when we brought him home was change his name.  Now he had a new identity to go with his new home and new family:  Bear.  He might have been ugly and little, but we gave him a name that could instill courage in his little 4 lbs of bones.  We fed him, played with him, took him for walks, and talked to him.  Ok, I talked to him.  And alright, I'll admit that most of the time I was just telling him how ugly he was in a really sing-songy voice so that he didn't know I was being mean. . . but still, I did talk to him.

So you get the point - we took care of him!  This sweet little doggy got a new start with the Carlsen clan.  His previous home - before the shelter - had been abusive, so this was a completely different life for the little guy.

At first he seemed scared by everything.  If we walked in a room too quickly, or too loudly, or if we happened to swing our hand or foot anywhere near him, he would crouch down and whimper as if we were about to hit him.  It was so sad watching him fear us so much!

But he learned, eventually, that we were not going to hit him.  He was never exactly a brave dog, but he didn't seem so afraid of everything after a while.

WhaDeeDum's story reminds me a little of the Christian life.

You see, we start out life in this world with a certain identity.  Once we are adopted into God's family, we get a brand new one.  And not just a new identity, but a new home, a new family, and a completely new heart.

 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!  2 Corinthians 5:17

I am not who I used to be. . . but wouldn't it be sad if I still lived as if I was?

What if Bear (Whadeedum) never stopped shrinking back when we reached out to pet him?  What if over the course of 10 years he never learned that he could trust us?  His life would have been just a pale reflection of what it could have been had he trusted in our love. . .

Same is true for us.  If we go through out Christian life without truly understanding this new identity we have in Christ; this power we have through His Spirit; our life will only be a pale reflection of what it was meant to be.

If you are a follower of Jesus you have been remade.  The same power that created and sustains this earth and that rose Jesus from the dead lives IN you.  You don't need to cower in fear over the difficulties in this life.  You are called to live courageously and boldly; to grasp ahold of your new "name" and live out that new identity to its fullest.

Our God is worthy of our trust, and His promises to us are certain. 

Are you intimidated or afraid to try and live out the humility I've talked about over the last few days?  Remember in those moments that God has not called you to do something without first equipping you with the power source to do it.

My name was sinner.  I was poor, wretched, blind, lost, selfish, condemned, judged, and enslaved.

Now?  My name is saint.  I am pure, holy, blameless, loved, redeemed, empowered, and freed.

I will - by God's grace - live out my true identity, and moment by moment reject the one I left behind. 

I am not who I once was. 

And if you are in Christ, neither are you.

You First

I wouldn't be a very good feminist.  Don't get me wrong - I definitely believe in equality when it comes to our place in society, government, and the like.  When we are talking about the worth of any human soul, I think it is wrong and disgusting to put one above any other.  We are all precious; every one created in the image of God.

But on a personal level, I don't think feminists would be too happy with me.  Its my view of marriage that I think might disturb them.  I have a very simple philosophy that I can sum up in this single sentence:

Everything I do ought to make Matt's life easier.

Marriage - to me - isn't about me.  Its about emptying myself for someone else.  Its about laying down my rights, my pride, and my self-centered attitude.  Its about going the extra mile to make my best friend feel like a million bucks - even if that means that things don't always appear fair. 

I know a lot of people exist in marriages where there is a checklist mentality.  If you get to do ___, then I deserve a chance to ___.  If I have to ____, then you should have to ___.  Just so long as everyone is exerting the same amount of effort and sacrifice, everything is all good. 

I suppose some marriages work quite fine that way, at least for a time.  But ultimately I don't think that perspective is going to foster a marriage that lasts a lifetime.  Why?

Because that isn't how we were designed to live.  We were made in the image of God; designed for a purpose and a plan that will ultimately fulfill us and bring us life's greatest joy.  We can search high and low for fulfillment outside of that plan - but we will never be truly satisfied.  And, for every single one of us (man or woman), part of that plan is laying down our own rights in humility, and serving the people in our lives. 

After all, that is what Jesus did, right?

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.   Phil. 2:5-7

Now, some people start to get worried at this point .  We live in a fallen, broken world, and there are people who will take advantage of us if we let them.  This call to humility and service might evoke a  response like, "if all I'm ever doing is looking out for my husband's happiness then who will look out for mine?" 

Fair question, but I don't think you're going to like my answer.  Look at the verse that directly precedes the one I quoted above:

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!  Phil. 2:8

Jesus lived a completely self-sacrificing life.  He served others when He deserved to be the one getting served.  He emptied Himself, made Himself a nobody so that others could be lifted up.  Do you know what that got him?

Death.  And not just death - but death on a cross.  The most shameful and painful kind of death the Roman empire dealt out.

So we're supposed to have this same mentality.  We're supposed to live out this life of service, putting the needs of others before our own.  And what can we expect?  Well, sometimes we can expect that life will be difficult.  It isn't always easy and breezy - but remember that fulfillment and joy I was talking about before?  Well, it is deeper, and more wonderful, and more satisfying than all of the pleasure this world could ever offer.

Its worth it.

But its hard. 

And you know, it isn't just meant for wives to their husbands.  I want to be Jesus to Matt, because that's what I believe I'm called to do.  But there is a calling on Matt's life as well; one for him to be Jesus to me.  And it extends to our friends, our relatives, our coworkers, our teachers, and on and on.  There is no other human soul that I am not called to serve in love and humility.

It doesn't matter how different they are from me.  Jesus humbled himself before a group of people who spat on him and made fun of him.  Who am I that I deserve more than that?

Now don't get me wrong - I fail at this about a thousand times a day.  There are so many opportunities that go wasted because I get consumed with my own happiness and comfort. . . But by God's grace and through His strength I pray that every day I'll empty myself out more and more, loving everyone who crosses my path with a greater love than I think they deserve.  The kind of love that I've been given. 

Who can you serve today?  Whose life can you make a little easier. . . and little better. . . and a little more blessed because you were in it?

You want to find the ultimate joy is this life?  Crazy enough, it starts with laying your own life down.


*and please know, I am not suggesting that women (or men) stay in abusive marriages.  That is a different situation altogether.