Thank You

I keep thinking the moment will come when this will all seem real.  But it hasn't yet.  There's still this lingering feeling like we're just on vacation, and in a few days we'll head back to life as we know it.  I'm surprised that Matt hasn't asked me to stop saying, "I can't believe it - this is so surreal!"

But it is so surreal!!  I'm still in a state of shock.  I've had months to prepare myself for this.  Countless nights I've laid awake imagining what this would be like.  I have had weeks of purging and packing.  Days filled with cleaning and trips to the storage unit.

Maybe when you change your life this drastically there is just no real way to anticipate or prepare.  But here's what I do know:

Moving is the pits.

I think our stuff was multiplying - no joke.  I'd pack 5 things and then suddenly 47 would appear where those 5 once were.  It felt endless and super annoying.

But its done, thanks to the grace of God and the help of some amazing friends.  Really, I couldn't have done it without them.  So here's a shout out and a thank you to YOU - you know who you are...

...to the one who brought tape and notecards a month ago to get me started and organized
...to the one who organized and repacked the disaster that was my basement with me
...to the ones who watched my kids so I could go into beast mode and pack uninterrupted
...to the one who drove 2 hours to help me pack my kitchen
...to the ones who offered to help every day, making me feel so supported and loved
...to the one who came over near the end when packing is the worst and helped me pack
...to the one who cleaned out my fridge, wiped down the cabinets, and vacuumed the house
...to the ones who invited us into their home our last night, fed us and let us sleep in their beds

...to the church that sent us off with such love and encouragement

You all are amazing.

This is one of the great beauties of life - people gathering together and lifting each other up.  Even moving is a little less daunting when you have a whole village helping you do it...

So it got done.  And here we are - waiting.  Still waiting for Matt's orders so we know what his actual role on base will be.  Waiting till the day comes when we have to say goodbye to each other and gather up our wits for 3 months of long distance loving.

Waiting for the day we get to move to 29 Palms and start living out what we're longing to do!

Its not so bad.  I think a forced respite after the chaos of the last month is actually a pretty great thing.  And today we are celebrating our 10th anniversary.  I can't help but think how cool it is that we are starting this adventure right at this milestone in our life together.

I couldn't be more excited for the opportunity before us, and I couldn't be more excited about the man I get to stand next to and do it with.

So thanks to each and every one of you who have been a part of getting us here.  I'm so grateful...

Radical

A neat thing happened a month ago when I called the kid's school in Fort Collins, Colorado.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it was pretty overwhelming to me.  I was talking to the principal, trying to see if our kids could attend Tavelli even though my parent's house technically feeds a different school (farther away).  School choice had closed in February, so I was *only* about 6 months late.  I figured it was hardly even worth asking, but I did anyway.

And I'm glad I did.  Because she was so incredibly committed to making it work.  She seemed so excited that we wanted Caleb and Ali at Tavelli, and she seemed to feel sincere sympathy for our situation.  At the end of the conversation she said something I had never heard before, and I found myself having to work to hold it together.

"Oh, and would you please tell your husband that we thank him for his service."

Such a short sentence packed with such meaning to me.  We thank him for his service.  

Then I made another phone call earlier this week to the military housing office to talk about our big move, and I was blown away again.  This time by just one little word.

Ma'am.

I think the young man I was speaking with said ma'am a minimum of 500 times.  Seriously.  I felt like the First Lady or something... For the first 5 minutes it felt nice having someone speak to me with such politeness and respect.  And then I desperately wanted to tell him to quit it and just call me Erin.  

But that's not an option.

Because there is a level of respect that guides life in the military.  There are ranks, and while the separation sometimes seems over the top, it is absolutely necessary.  I think our country has deepened its respect for the men and women who sacrifice their lives for the sake of our safety and freedom.  So there is honor bestowed not just within the military, but from those outside of the military as well.

I'm not going to lie, this is a different response than we normally receive when talking about what we do.  I guess becoming a Chaplain in the military seems radical.  And on some levels, I suppose it is.  We are giving up some of life's typical comforts, but we are also walking into a new type of family that I know we will grow to love and be continually blessed by.

What it makes me think, though, is that somehow we've lost the sense of radicalness in our daily life.  You don't have to join the military to be radical.  You don't have to go overseas and become a missionary in a third world country to be radical.  You don't have to sell all your stuff and 'adopt' 47 Compassion children to be radical.

You can extend a hand of compassion to someone in need.  You can make a change in your life that bucks convention and puts Christ at the center.  You can sacrifice something you love in order to bring joy and blessing to someone else.  You can put others before yourself and daily die to your self-serving desires.

That's radical.

So we're doing it in the context of the military.  But you can do it in whatever context you find yourself each and every day.  And when you do, you might be surprised at the reaction.  As hard as it is to sacrifice our own comforts and desires, we are honored and blessed when we do.  

And that phrase the principal at Tavelli spoke to me that moved me so much?  Well, as you surrender your life to Christ and live radically with Him at the center of everything, you can be certain that you'll hear your own version of that powerful phrase one day.  It might be worded a little differently, but it will pack an even stronger punch.  

"Well done, good and faithful servant."

California Dreamin'

Wow.  This month is seriously flying by.  It is so hard for me to believe that we're halfway through our last month of 'normal' life before everything gets crazy.  Its already crazy, really...  But the reality of the journey we're about to begin will get much more real when Matt is on the East Coast at Officer Development School and we're in Fort Collins, Colorado, living with my parents.  Its just weird even typing that out.  Yikes.

Anyway, you might have noticed a few changes to this blog.  The title, for one.  When I started writing a few years ago it was for a very specific purpose:  I wanted to reach out to and encourage the girls in our youth group throughout the week when I was not with them.  I wanted this to be a place on the world wide web that was safe for them to turn to and find truth and honesty.  Hence, the Hill for Girls.

Over the last couple of years I haven't written much - the pace of life and the ages of my kids seemed to distract me from making this a priority.  But now I find myself with lots to say, and I am realizing that the purpose and primary audience for this blog is changing...  I am no longer writing with teenage girls in mind.

I am writing with my husband in mind.

I am writing with family members all over the world in mind.

I am writing with the knowledge that these blog posts will be the primary connection point between me and many of the people I love.

Mostly, I am writing to chronicle the start of what I believe will be an epic journey.  We are walking into the unknown, confident that this is where God is calling us to go... But completely unaware of all that it will entail.  Seriously, I have no idea what my life will actually look like in 6 months.  That's why this is now called "Our Life Now."  Because that's all I know.  Life right now.

I don't know what life will look like in a month, or two months, or a year.  But I can tell you our story for now... And when things change - as they will all too often - this is where you can find the tidbits of information to stay somewhat in the loop.

So here's our current scoop for those of you who like the details.  I love details.  They seem to be few, far between, and ever changing.  But the ones I have, I cling to.

Matt's last day at our church is July 31st.  Strangely enough, that's also the exact day we have to be out of our condo.  Over the next 2 weeks we'll be loading most of our precious belongings into a storage unit near here.  We'll head to Illinois for a short break and some time together.

By mid August Matt will be headed to Rhode Island and the kids and I will be on our way to Colorado.  The kids are enrolled at Tavelli Elementary School in Fort Collins.  They already know who their teachers will be and have seen pictures online.  So sweet - they are excited.

Matt has schooling for 3 months.  Our first separation.  If we cross your mind, pray for us.

He graduates from Chaplain training on November 15th.  After that we are headed to 29 Palms, California.  Now before you get all excited thinking that we'll be living some sort of glamorous ocean-front life for 3 years, Google 29 Palms.  Its 3 hours from the ocean in the middle of the Mojave Desert.  Its probably 124 degrees there today.  Or something like that.

29 Palms is a Marine Air Ground Combat Training Center.  For those of you who are confused because Matt was commissioned in the Navy, the Marines do not have their own chaplains, so Navy chaplains are assigned to Marine bases as well.

The most exciting news, in my opinion, is that this first assignment is non-deployable.  That's right.  If we can survive the 3-4 month separation this fall we can count on at least a few years before another long separation is required.

Oh hallelujah.

So there it is.  Beyond that, I am learning to be patient and flexible.  Working on what it looks like truly believe that God has it in His hands.  Its funny how easy it is to believe that when your life is predictable and stable.  When you are thrust into the unknown it suddenly becomes a much more difficult exercise of faith...

For now, I am packing, cleaning, trying to have some fun with the kids, and spending precious time with the beautiful friends God has blessed me with here.  I will do my best to live in the moment; cherishing the time we have.

I am so grateful for this life we are living now.

Grateful for you, too...

Becoming a Navy Chaplain's Wife

Do you need to reread the title and make sure you're not seeing things?  It's not a typo.  On Friday, June 14th, Matt was commissioned as a Chaplain in the Navy.  Based off of most of the reactions we've received when telling people the news, I'm guessing this is a surprise to you.  That said, I thought I'd take a moment and tell you how we got here.

Here's our story...

About 4 years ago Matt and I were processing through a potential transition.  We talked about a lot of possibilites; going to another church, planting a church, going on staff with Campus Crusade, etc etc.  One afternoon Matt threw out the possibility of becoming a Chaplain.  I don't remember my exact response, but I am quite certain it was an emphatical no, probably emphasized with some intense and unkind choices in wording.  Needless to say, he never brought it up again.

At that point in my life it was an impossible and awful thought - my husband being away from me.  I was sick just thinking about what life would look like in that scenario.  I signed up to be a pastor's wife, not a chaplain's wife, after all.  I wanted to serve God and sacrifice my life - to a point.  Apparently chaplaincy was a little too far beyond that point.

Life moved forward, and we continued ministry in the context of a church setting.  We continued to talk about the possibility of doing something outside of the local church one day.  Our passions and personalities sometimes seem more wired for outreach-focused ministries...  But again, chaplaincy was never even a thought that crossed my mind.

Until one Sunday in November, that is.

It was Veteran's Day, November 11th, 2012.  Our church celebrated the occasion in typical fashion - honoring our veterans, displaying an American flag, and playing a slide show of all of those connected to our congregation who have served or are currently serving.  It was a nice service, but there was honestly nothing out of the ordinary that day.

Until God spoke.

Ok - I know that sounds potentially weird.  And kind of charismatic.  But I'm telling you - if you could have felt what I felt in that sudden and life-changing moment you'd say it that bluntly too...

No... I didn't actually hear an audible voice.  But out of no where I felt a weight on my chest - like my heart sunk right down to my toes.  Not in a bad, devastating way, but in a moment of sudden clarity and vision. It happened in an instant.  There was no question in my mind as to what God was speaking to me.

You are going to be a chaplain's wife.  

You are going to get over your selfish fears and stand next to your husband on this journey.  You are going to love on the young moms and lonely wives whose husband's are away.  You are going to wash their dishes, make them dinner, and babysit their kids.  You are going to erase the line and serve and sacrifice to the very end of yourself.

Matt wasn't sitting with me during this little revelation.  It was an interesting conversation when we were both finally home that afternoon.  I think I said something like this:

"Matt, this is going to sound weird.  But I felt like God was speaking straight to me today.  And I think He was telling me that you're supposed to become a chaplain."

As I remember it, Matt broke out into a wide smile that seemed to shout "Finally!"  I wouldn't say it was something he had been secretly longing for the last 4 years... but I do think it was something he had wished was at least an option on the table.  So from that point forward it was all about researching, and talking, and praying, and talking...  I think we processed together more in those first months that in our almost 10 years of marriage.

Each step of the way we sensed affirmation that this was what God was calling us to.  Our hearts kept growing in excitement for the life and ministry that this would provide.  When you sit down and think about it, it makes sense.  Matt's greatest joys in ministry to this point have been all of the things we've done to serve and love on our local communities.  He gets most excited when we're out just doing random acts of kindness as a youth group.  He loves giving people a tangible picture of the love of Jesus.

As a chaplain, he'll have the opportunity each and every day to serve.  He'll have the privilege of showing support and extending compassion to people coming from every different kind of life.  He'll come face to face with individuals whose beliefs are similar, and with those whose beliefs are completely different.  And he'll get to minister to and love on them all.

What a privilege.

I can honestly say that I'm excited.  Don't get me wrong - thoughts of deployment and separation are painful.  But the confidence I have in my God outweighs those fears.  I know He will be with me - I will never be alone.

So the next step in our journey begins.

The kids and I will head to Colorado to stay with my family while Matt is in Officer Training and Chaplain school.  By the new year we should be headed to our first destination.  We're hoping its overseas...  but we're willing to go wherever.

Now don't get me wrong - through all of this excitement there is a sadness in my heart about leaving this place we are now.  I am so grateful for this church and the many people who have come alongside us, encouraged us, and walked with us.  You are treasures to me, and I do not move forward lightly.  But just like I know and believe that God has called us and will go with us - I know that He is calling you and is standing next to you as well.

You're on an adventure, too.

And if there is any advice to give from what I've learned over this last year, it would be this:  that thing you've been saying "never" about?  Well, just don't be surprised if that's the very thing that causes your heart to sink down to your toes and your chest to burn with excitement one day.

Erase the line.  Follow Jesus wherever He leads.

It won't always be easy... but it will be worth it.

A Sliver

When Matt and I were first married I was totally into Jessica Simpson's reality show, "Newlyweds."  I was hooked.  Its kind of embarrassing to admit, but its the truth.  And when the show ended and Jessica and Nick split apart I was actually devastated.  I felt like I knew them; like we were old friends.  It was almost personal for me seeing their relationship crumble.  I even prayed that they would work it out and get back together.

Ridiculous, I know.

But they had lived a great portion of their lives on a very public stage and it made me feel like I deserved a say in the choices they made.  I knew better than they did what should be happening in their lives.  Or so I thought...

The reality is that I didn't actually know them at all.  What I saw of them was a mere sliver of the whole picture of their lives and personalities.  I'm also sure it was often a very distorted sliver, at that.  You know, dramatized by the show producers to make each episode interesting enough to capture the hearts of girls like me.  

How often do we do that, though?  How many times in a day or week do we capture a sliver of someone else's life and assume that we know the whole of them?

I think we do it daily.  We forget that our perspective is limited and that our sight is sometimes distorted, and we create an entire identity for someone based off of our small slivers of knowledge.

Its so easy to do.

And I don't think its entirely wrong.

It all depends on the heart attitude we bring and the way we analyze the sliver of knowledge we've received.  It all depends on the depth of our love for one another, and our desire to see each other as God sees us. 

You see, we have a choice every time we interact with someone or see them on some public forum.  We have a choice to believe the best in them, or to believe the worst in them.  We can take the sliver of knowledge we receive about them and use that to fill out a whole picture painted in grace and positivity... or we can use the sliver to create a canvas filled with negative assumptions and criticism.

Which perspective do you think God wants us to have?

That's a silly question, isn't it?  We know how He wants us to view each other.  All we need to do is turn to Philippians, or 1 Corinthians and we see clearly the way that God intended for us to interpret the slices of knowledge in our lives.

Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ?  Any comfort from his love?  Any fellowship together in the Spirit?  Are your hearts tender and compassionate?  Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.  Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.  Philippians 2:1-3

 You see, God has called us to approach the slivers we see of others with tenderness, compassion, love, humility and genuine esteem.  I think he made that clear because he knew it would be hard.

Its hard to see people in a positive light when the sliver of knowledge we have about them is altogether different from us.  Its hard to believe the best in someone when what we know of them reflects a personality or life perspective that differs greatly from ours.  Our inclination in those circumstances is to judge the sliver and use it as the basis for our estimation of the entire pie.

If I don't like the sliver I see in you, then your pie must be bad.

There is great danger in this attitude.  Why?  Well, what if you are wrong?

It is an incredibly painful thing to know that someone has seen a sliver of your life and consequently found your whole person lacking.  It hurts to know that your entire reputation could be defamed through one misinterpreted conversation or action.

Here's the deal:  Sometimes the sliver you will see of my life won't look all that appealing.  You might catch me on a cranky day, or see me when my heart and my mind are not on the same page.  Or you might see me at my very best and still wonder what on earth God was thinking when He wired me this way.

If you can, try to remember that my worst isn't my all, and my best isn't you.

We are all wading through life, trying to keep our heads afloat.  For those of us whose deepest desire is to run after Jesus, we are doing our best to model every sliver of our life after Him.  And guess what - sometimes we fail - every one of us!

What joy and encouragement could we find if we could run forward knowing that our brothers and sisters weren't looking at our individual slivers - good or bad - and judging the wholeness of our character?  How wonderful would it be to feel the grace and love of others who look at us and believe the best instead of the worst?

I'm praying that God can create that attitude in me...  And I'll be praying for you, too.  That He would give you HIS eyes to see the people around you as HE sees them.  That you would look to each other with love, graciousness, and humility.

I might not understand every sliver of who you are, but I can see that God is working you into one mighty fine pie.

You be your pie, and I'll be mine.  And together I think the canvas of the body of Christ will create a glorious and diverse representation of HIM to a world in desperate need.

All This Time

This week our 6 year old son, Caleb, had to have surgery.  It was a common procedure and we had plenty of reassurances from the doctor that everything would be fine.  I was anxious anyway, of course, and spent the days before the procedure fretting over how it would all go.  My greatest fear was for the moment when I would have to leave him to the care of the staff and watch him roll down the hall away from me.  

Now - what would you imagine my response to be in that moment?  

Did I pray over Caleb with Matt just as he was about to roll away?

Did I remind him that Jesus is always with him and that God was in control?

Was I silently praying in my heart as I smiled and kissed my sweet boy?

No.  No.  And. . . no.

What really happened?  Well, I was desperately trying not to sob while I kissed his forehead and told him I'd see him after his nap.  That's it.  Nothing spiritual whatsoever.

In fact, it wasn't until we got out to the waiting room that I realized I hadn't really even thought about God in those precious moments.  I suddenly felt this overwhelming guilt because we didn't even think to pray with him.  I thought about what a great testimony that could have been to the nurses, and automatically gave myself a mental thumbs down for missing out on such a great opportunity.

My son was going into surgery, and I had forgotten God. 

Awesome.  

Thankfully I've had a little time to think about it over the last few days, though, and I have found a different perspective to take. . .  so, here it goes:

Sometimes its easier to write deep, spiritual thoughts and analogies than it is to think them in the difficult moments of life.  

Sometimes its easier to encourage someone else walking through hardship with the truth than it is to lean in on that truth when you're the one walking through hardship.

Sometimes its nice to imagine how spiritual you want to be in a given circumstance until you are in that circumstance, and you realize that spiritual is probably the last word anyone would use to describe you.

When you get to the end of a particularly difficult season in your life - or even just a difficult day - and realize that your spirituality has suffered and your mind was seemingly everywhere but centered on Jesus, I want to encourage you with this wonderful truth: 

He is still there.

Even when we allow our circumstances to consume our hearts and minds, He is there.

Even when we forget to turn to Him - forget to cry out in moments of weakness or pain, He is there.

Even when we forget to pray with our little boy before he goes into surgery, God is right there with us - and with him.

There is not one moment of one day when He leaves us on our own or turns His back on us.  In the midst of our struggles it can be hard to sense His presence. . . but often, in the days and weeks that come after, we can turn back and see with amazing clarity the beauty of His constant presence with us.  We recognize His gentle hand guiding us, holding us, and protecting us. . .  We realize He was always there.

It isn't always easy to see, but we can rest in the confidence that its true.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths,
you are there. 

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast. 

Psalm 139:7-10

Don't just skim over those words because you've read them a thousand times.  Read them slowly, and with the firm conviction that they were actually written for you.  We need to have truths like this cemented into our brains.  We need them because we are fallen, frail human beings who will be constantly tricked into believing quite the opposite.  

These last couple days home with Caleb have been awesome.  I know that God was with us on Tuesday, and it is undeniable that He is here with us now.  

I may have forgotten to pray in that moment; but under no circumstance will my God ever forget about me.

And that, my friends, is truly awesome.

Alarming Grace

Sometimes God gives me some really great opportunities to live out what I talk about on this blog.  Usually, He sends a gentle reminder that everything I write is meant not just as a lesson for you but also as a lesson for me. . . those reminders usually come in the form of embarrassing and humbling situations.

Is that how God works these things out for you?

Well, on Monday I set the alarm off at church.  It was a gloriously ridiculous moment when I typed in my code and then completely forgot which button to push (I was looking for an "enter" button. . . I was supposed to push the "off" button. . . ).  Have you ever been in a situation like that?  Typically, my response is to completely freak out and become incapable of thinking a single rational thought.  Its very helpful.

Thankfully I did get the alarm off.  I felt quite relieved and maybe a little proud of myself for figuring it out.

Until 20 minutes later, when one of our elders walked into the youth room and asked who set the alarm off.  It was then that I realized that turning the alarm off is helpful, but not the only necessary step.  Once you turn the alarm off you have to go down to the office and answer the phone when the security company calls so that they know you aren't a thief or something. . . I didn't do that, of course, so the security people had to call an elder, who had to drive all the way to church and make sure I wasn't a thief.

I tell ya, it doesn't take much for me to feel like a complete heel.  That pretty much did it.

I was feeling so bad, in fact, that I had to literally choke back the tears while I finished my piano lesson.  I had messed up, done something stupid, and as a result completely ruined another person's night (well, that was my perspective in it at least. . . he didn't exactly say that).

And then the moment came when God spoke right into my embarrassment.  I mentioned how awful I was feeling to one of my piano students, and he looked right up at me and said, "Everyone makes mistakes."

Wow.

Why is it so easy for me to tell you that its ok to make mistakes, that having a dirty car is nothing to be ashamed about, but then so hard for me to believe the same is true for me?

You can come to Jesus just as you are, knowing that He died for you while you were a sinner - but I had better be perfect, because nothing less than perfect works for me. . . Ugh.

I have some shocking news for some of you.  Ready?

I'm a sinner, too.

Setting off the alarm at church wasn't a sin (well, maybe in the elder's perspective it was), but there are plenty of areas in my life where I still struggle to make the right choices.  I am so completely dependent on the forgiveness and grace that is offered through Christ Jesus.  I am desperate for the power of the Spirit to be at work in me, granting me the strength, courage, and discipline to walk like Jesus walked. . . to be like him.

We're in this thing together, you know.  So don't think for one second that I have it all together - but like it says up in the tagline under this blog's title, I am running after Jesus, and I am daily reaching out for him.

Lets run together! 

And then the next time I set off the alarm at church we can have a good giggle and remind ourselves that even when we mess things up and make mistakes - no matter what - Jesus is daily reaching out for us. . .

What glorious and beautiful news. . .

You could maybe even call it alarming grace. . . yes?