Jesus Journal: A Brand New Day

Well, the last post was a pretty raw portrait of the struggling and confused girl I was in high school.  I think its well past time to share with you another entry, from just one year later.

July 26, 1997

Well, needless to say, a lot has happened this year.  During last summer I basically "broke up" with 2 friends.  There was always the occasional hello and short conversation - but nothing beyond that.  What I am sorry about though, is that I've let 2 other friendships fail, too.  I hope that this - my senior year - I will take advantage of my last chance to grow closer to my classmates.  I am praying that God would give me the courage to LIVE THE LIFE.  I am praying that God would help me to see past what I look like, or what others think - to my true worth in His eyes.  I am so thankful that God gave me Amy.  She was a light in the darkness, and I pray that as people look at our friendship they will see what brings us so close.  I also pray that God would take boys off my mind.  Who cares if I go to Homecoming or not??  I don't.  Not anymore.  In my last entry I talked about finding myself.  Well. . . I did.  I found myself in Jesus - and what a wonderful way to live.  =)

Do you see the miracle here?  In about 18 short months I went from ripping on others to elevate myself, to praying I'd be able to see myself solely through God's eyes.

God changed my heart and my mind sometime between February of 1996 and July of 1997.  He gave me a clean slate; a brand new start.

I didn't use sheer force of will or positive thinking to change the girl I was.  I had an encounter with the man who gave up everything and hung on a tree for me.  I met Jesus in a way I had never known Him before.  He changed me from the inside out.  He gave me a new purpose for living.  He helped me see the people in my life as precious in His sight. 


I was happier, too, you know.  Can you sense that?

Some of you aren't here yet, and you're afraid to surrender everything to Christ because of what you might have to give up or lose.   You know that it might mean "breaking up" with some of your friends while you learn what walking with Jesus really looks like. 

I can make you one guarentee, no matter what you're clinging to:  Jesus is better.

He is better than friends, boys, stuff, family, beauty, status, money, and popularity.  He is better than anything else you'll ever find.  He will fill you with more purpose, joy, hope, peace, courage and confidence than you ever thought you'd possess.

Jesus is better.  And if you've ever questioned that truth, take a minute to reread my last post.  Look at the girl I was on my own, and the girl I became with Jesus at my core.

Which girl do you think was filled with more joy?  more courage?  more confidence?  more love?

Not only that, but giving up certain friendships that were drawing me away from God didn't result in loneliness and friendlessness.  It resulted in the formation of one of the greatest friendships I've ever known! 

This journal entry marks the beginning of my real walk with Jesus.  It was a brand new start for a girl made new by the power and love of God.

No matter where you are and no matter what you've done, God's love and power is enough to create a brand new start for you, too. 

I'm living proof,

Jesus is better.

Jesus Journal: One Ugly Day

I have committed to sharing all of my life openly with you.  That means I have to be honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly. . .

Today, I'm sharing the ugly.

Brace yourselves.

February 21, 1996

Hey - waz up?  Well, major update time.  The Monday after the Winter Dance _____ asked me out.  At first I was mad because I was just going to forget about him.  But, of course, I said yes.  We went out for a month and the relationship went NO WHERE!!  He's a freak, so I dumped him.  Oh well, life goes on!!

_____ & _____ are still yucky.  I'm just going with the flow.  I'm trying to not let the things they do bug me so much.  _____ & _____ & I are really close - that's cool.  And _____ is HOT!  Maybe dorky, but HOT, so uh. . . . whatever!

You know what I think when I read that entry?  Man, that girl was awful.  I cannot believe the venom in my own words; how easily I belittled the people in my life.  Ugh - makes me sick!

But do you know the truth of where those words came from?

They came from the heart of an incredibly insecure and frightened young girl. 

I had fallen for one of the world's greatest lies; one that I shared with you in that post called Worldy Nuggets of Wisdom. . .  one that I thought might help me deal with my intense insecurities.


Lie #6:  Don't worry about it!  You're not as lame as ______ .

I was cutting down the people in my life to make me feel better about myself.  I spoke harsh, unloving words in an attempt to boost my own ego.  The sad part is, I know that some of that venom was spoken out loud, aimed at the individuals who were threatening my feelings of acceptance. . .

Having traveled down this road toward the world's solution for insecurity, I can confidently tell you 2 things:  it isn't the truth, and it doesn't work.

I didn't feel better about myself at the end of that year.  I felt worse.

God's solution for insecurity it quite the opposite of this.  Instead of tearing others down we boost others up.  Instead of worrying about our own placement on the scale of social acceptance we depend on our ultimate acceptance in Christ.  We know that we will never be good enough, and we rest in the knowledge that His good is enough for us.

We are not surprised when people reject us, or make fun of us. . . on some level, we expect it.  And when it happens, we rejoice that we were counted worthy of suffering for the sake of Jesus.

Well, that is how it is supposed to work.  I haven't mastered it yet.  I still stumble when it comes to placing all of my self worth and confidence in Christ. . . But I'm closer than I was when I was 15.

And I'm happier than I was when I was 15.

Because no matter how hard it is to make the right choices and live out the truth that we all ultimately know exists, living the truth is the only thing that can ever bring us everlasting joy and peace.

Take a step today towards rejecting this lie.  If you are faced with an opportunity to put someone else down - no matter how much you think they deserve it - choose to lift them up instead.  Look to others as better than yourself.

You won't regret it.

A Little Affirmation from a Really Smart Guy

Ok - so do you remember last week or so when I wrote about garbage?  I talked about how we tend to let a lot of junk into our hearts and minds with some strange expectation that it won't effect us.  My big thought was this:

What goes in must come out.

I kinda wrote about it twice. . . If you haven't checked out those posts you can find them here by clicking on the links:  What goes in must come out, and Daydreams and Prayers

Anyway, I was super excited the other day during my reading time when I stumbled upon a quote that almost perfectly expresses a very similar thought.

Here it is, from D.A. Carson's commentary on Philippians entitled "Basics for Believers,"

If you think holy thoughts, you will be holy; if you think garbage, you will be garbage.

Is it just me, or does everyone get a little giddy when a really, really smart theologian says something that affirms what we've said?

I know that D.A. Carson is not God.  He is not always right.  But I think he's probably right more often than me. . . Or, at least I think he could probably back up his thought processes with more specific bible verses and background information than I could.

So when the words of a guy like that affirm a girl like me, well, it feels pretty good.

It makes me think, hey - maybe I'm not so crazy after all!!

I should also add that Carson was expressing that thought in reference to a verse in Philippians that says this:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.   Philippians 4:8

Why do we want to fill our heads with true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy thoughts?

Because if you think holy thoughts, you will be holy, and if you think garbage, you will be garbage.

Because what goes in must come out.

Need Your Love

Ok, so now that we have unpacked some of the lies this world is feeding us, I think we can start dishing out a little truth (and if you haven't read about the lies yet, click here first).  Today I want to look solely at lie #1:


Do whatever it takes to get a guy to like you.  You are worthless without a boyfriend.

I think this struggle is just as much internal as it is external.  Every time someone makes us feel bad because we don't have a boyfriend, I think we also experience an inner ache and longing for someone to pick us out of the crowd.

It isn't just our society that makes us feel like we need a relationship to be complete.  Its ourselves, too.

You know why?  Because we were made that way.  On some level we all feel incomplete at first.  So we desperately search for something to fill ourselves up and make us feel whole.  For a lot of girls, that means running to boys.  But that doesn't usually work, does it?

The boy you thought would make you feel whole called you fat and ugly.

Your boyfriend of two years found a newer version of you and traded you in.

The guy you've been flirting with for 3 months just asked out your best friend.

Now - if there are any guys reading this - don't get offended too quickly.  Us girls have just as much capacity to ruin a relationship through selfishness and unfaithfulness.  And some relationships absolutely do need to end.  Its ok to come to a point where you realize that you just aren't meant to be together.

But it hurts all just the same, doesn't it?  It doesn't really matter who ends the relationship, or how it ends.  Its like ripping off a band-aid and exposing a wound that hasn't fully healed.  There's that hole again, crying out for something to fill it back up.

Here is the truth that I would like to share that blows this lie out of the water:

Jesus is the only man you'll ever need.  You are incomplete without Christ.

And here's why:


1.  We are all hardwired for a relationship with HIM.

That ache you feel?  That longing for someone to love you?  We're all born with it, and it is our heart's longing for God.  Not convinced?  Look back at Genesis.  Notice how Adam and Eve lived while they were in the garden.  In Genesis 3 we see God "walking in the garden in the cool of the day."  Can you imagine a life where you could just go for a walk with God?  Seriously?  Wow. 

And what was part of the punishment that God gave Adam and Eve after they sinned against him?  Separation from his intimate presence in the garden.

You see, we can search this world high and low to try and find something to make us feel complete.  We can look to boys, friends, grades, jobs, talents, sports, or anything else as a way to give our lives meaning and purpose.  But those things will never sufficiently complete us.  There is only one person who can do that. . .  hint, hint - its the One who made you, and the One who daily sustains you.

Whether we know it or not, our souls are longing for the garden again.  Knowing about God isn't enough.  Going to church isn't enough.  Only an intimate, life-directing, sanctifying walk with Jesus will satisfy us. . .

2.  His love is unconditional and never fading.  He'll never trade us in.

Here is the problem with looking to a guy for significance:  he's human, and eventually he'll sin against you.

It doesn't matter how amazing and Godly your particular fellow is.  He isn't perfect, and at some point or another he will hurt you.  At some point he will disappoint you, fail to protect you, or just give up on you.

It is a dangerous thing to place all of our identity and worth in the hands of a person.

But the beauty and wonder of the Christian life is that in Christ we can find a love that will never sin against us.  Jesus is perfect, and he will never hurt you.  He will never disappoint you, fail to protect you, or give up on you.

There is no greater love than that of your Savior for you.  Romans 8 says is like this:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Nothing can stop God's love for you.  There is no better model that will eventually replace you.  When the Almighty One calls you His own you will be eternally His.  No matter what.


Those are just two of the many reasons why we need to look to JESUS to complete us instead of a relationship. 

I hope you see that the world's perspective on relationships is not just unhealthy, but completely wrong.  I believe that our mistaken view of the way relationships are supposed to fulfill us and complete us is the biggest factor in why so many marriages are broken.  If only everyone could see what their hearts are truly longing for!!

Don't ever forget that Jesus is meant to be your main man.  You get that right, and most everything else will be ok.  How can you go wrong with such an everlasting, unstoppable, overflowing kind of love?

You can't.  So stop fighting it.  Acknowledge what you know is true and run after the deepest desire of your heart; the only thing that will complete you.

Run after Jesus.

Wordly Nuggets of Wisdom

Yesterday was a bummer of a day.  I wrote about my insecurities in the morning and then suffered from them all day long.  Awesome.

So I am thinking a little refresher course on how, exactly, we overcome people pleasing tendencies and insecurities about what others think would be an excellent thing to do.  Know that this morning I am writing more to myself than anyone else. . .

I think we'll do things a little backwards this time, though.  Instead of just marching onward with some passionate conversation about why we shouldn't be insecure, I think I'll take a little time to share what I think the world's advice is.  These nuggets of 'wisdom' are the lies our culture is feeding us.  I believe that these lies are at the very heart of most of our insecurities as girls. . . I also believe that its a lot easier to live out the truth once we've recognized and rejected the lies. 

So here we go, in no particular order (and with a little exaggeration and maybe a hint of sarcasm for effect):


Overcoming Insecurity the World's Way
 

1.  Do whatever it takes to get a guy to like you.  You are worthless without a boyfriend.

You won't see that written quite so bluntly on the cover of any magazine, but let me assure you of this:  the message is loud and clear.  That whole in your heart would fade into oblivion if you could just obtain the affections of the 15 yr old stallion in your chemistry class.  Everything is better with a boyfriend.

2.  You should probably have some kind of plastic surgery. . . there's got to be something wrong with your face. . .

At some point in your life you might have thought that you were a pretty decent catch.  My 4 yr old daughter thinks she is stunning.  But don't worry, that will change eventually.  The world will work its way into her perception and she'll suddenly realize that her once flawless face falls waaayy short of anything great.  It is important to recognize that there are just some things that won't get better until you get them surgically altered. 

3.  You should be 20 lbs thinner.  Then you'll be happy.

I don't care how much you weigh.  I don't care what your healthy body weight is.  Losing weight is the answer to all of your problems.

4.  You would be wise to just do whatever everyone else is doing.  They'll think your a loser if you don't.

If you are feeling insecure, you should figure out which group of kids at school will make you feel cool and just do whatever they're doing.  It might feel yucky at first, but eventually you'll get over it.  It will feel so good to be with the 'in' crowd that you'll totally forget you ever disagreed with the lifestyle you'll be living anyway!

5.  It would help to emulate celebrities who are famous for nothing except living explosive, dramatic, unhealthy, completely self-obsessed lives. 

This is great stuff.  Really, you should just spend as much time watching reality tv as you can.  Nothing but good can come from hours of watching people fight, go shopping, make out, and gossip.  Just pray as you watch that one day you can be as cool as them.


6.  Don't worry about it!  You're not as lame as _______.

If you are feeling down about yourself, one of the best ways to feel better is to think of someone who is even lamer than you.  And if you can't think of anyone lamer than you, you should find someone vulnerable and make them feel lamer than you.  Then you'll feel better.


7.  Three words that will cure any problem in your life:  just love yourself.

 If all of these brilliant tactics fail at boosting your self confidence, then don't worry about it.  You can just mentally decide that you are fabulous!  Love yourself - your whole self.  It doesn't matter what issues you have, you have the power to change your perspective.  Repeat after me:  "I am beautiful.  I am special.  I am cool.  I am perfect."  Just keep sayin' it till you believe it. 


So. . . what do you think?  Am I totally off base or do you agree that some form of all of these messages is hitting us in the face each and every day? 

I want you to pay careful attention to the signals and cues you are getting today.  They might be subtle, but I think you'll find that most of the people around you are believing these lies to one extent or another.  I also want you to ask yourself this question:  how is working out for them?  

You might also want to take a careful look at your own life and and see if on some level you've been duped into believing these lies too. . . in which case you should ask youself this:  how is it working out for you?

There is a better way.  There is truth to combat these lies.  And there is a life that flows out of those truths that will surpass anything you've ever imagined. 

Jesus Journal: Whose Praise?

July 21, 1999

My time with the Lord was great again today.  I realized after the awesome day I had yesterday what a difference this makes.  Satan even started getting scared and tried to pull me away using a weak point from my past.  What he doesn't get, though, is that in Christ - even my weak points are strong.  

More and more I am learning how much I do for praise from people.  I pray that I will finally understand that attempting to win praise from people wins me 0 praise from God.  Whose praise would I rather have?

Alright - how awesome is it that I just declared that Satan is scared of me?  Seriously?  Awesome.

So the summer when I wrote this I was on a missions trip of sorts.  I was living in Fort Collins, Colorado with ~60 other college students.  It was the summer after my freshman year, and I was the youngest girl on the trip.  We provided day care during the week days, and spent the evenings and weekends studying the word, sharing our faith, and having lotsa fun.  It was awesome.

 That summer was when I really started to understand the power of having your own, personal relationship with God through His word.  I started reading my bible more consistently.  I tried to study it and meditate on it, not just casually (or halfheartedly) glance at it and move on.

Honestly, I don't remember what "weak point from my past" I was referring to there.  I could probably guess, but in the end I don't think it matters.  What I am so grateful for is that at 18 I somehow understood that sometimes our struggles and discouragements are meant to pull us away from God.  I recognized that truth, and in that moment I refused to allow it to happen.

That isn't always the case.

I'm 31 now, and I still know that this is true, but I often forget the power I have in Christ; that He is my strength - even in my greatest weakness.  It might be true, but sometimes I forget to live like it.

And that second paragraph, well, everyone say hello to Erin's thorn.  This struggle - the desire to earn praise from others - is probably the biggest battle I face.  And unfortunately, I face it daily.  I haven't conquered this yet. . . I do think I'm getting better - God is working in this little heart and helping me to see that no amount of praise from other people will ever fill me up, but I still struggle. . .

But this post doesn't just show an unbelievably mature and insightful 18 yr old (I wish). . . no, unfortunately it also betrays the heart of a girl longing to follow Jesus who sometimes fell into the trap of legalism.  Did you catch that?

It happened when I expressed the people pleasing struggle.  I  said that instead of winning praise from people I need to win praise from God.  There is a very fine and dangerous line right there, friends.  Its the one that seperates God's praise from God's favor and love.  I believe that God does offer praise when we are living out our faith and following in the footsteps on Jesus.  I'm not sure I would ever say that we "earn" that praise, but I do think our actions can inspire it. 

On the other hand, God's favor is something we could never earn.  And that is where my legalism can come into play.  Sometimes I am fooled into believing that my actions can earn God's favor.

Let my state this clearly:  the Christian life is NOT about winning God's favor.  We already have it.  There is nothing I could ever do to get God to love me more; His love is limitless already.

I was right about not trying to win the praise of people - that is true.  Trying to get people to like us will only leave us feeling exhausted, discouraged and usually defeated.  But the alternative isn't the same.

When we turn from people pleasing, we get to simply accept the favor and love of Christ that has been extended to us even in our sinful yuckiness. 

The praise we receive when we walk in faithfulness is the icing on the cake of the love and favor that is already ours.  So I think that question I posed is a good one, so long as we understand it correctly.

Which praise would I rather have?

The praise I have to earn by being something or someone that others like?  Or the praise that comes freely in Christ, together with the favor that is already mine; signed, sealed, and delivered the day Jesus died on that tree?

I don't know about you, but I choose Christ.  Yesterday, today, and forever.

Daydreams and Prayers

The other day I wrote a post about how we tend to let garbage into our hearts and minds, convincing ourselves that we won't be impacted by it all that much. I challenged that thinking by suggesting that everything we allow ourselves to ingest will impact us in one way or another. . .

In case you weren't thoroughly convinced I would like to give you a quick example of how this has played out in my own life.

I like to read. I go through phases where I read constantly, and then periods of drought when I hardly pick up a book. Sometimes I read suspense, sometimes sci-fi, sometimes romance. . . It all just depends on my mood when I'm at the library.

Usually I try to find a book by a Christian author. There have just been too many times when I've thought a book looked really good and then been horrified by the content within. . . I figure, its always safe to read Christian fiction, right?

Hmm. Maybe not.

You see, the word garbage might be too exclusive sounding when it comes to what we feed ourselves. Sometimes the things we ingest are meant for our good, but turn out to take us the wrong direction. Sometimes it isn't garbage at all, but "God-honoring" things that end up creating idols in our lives.

Still confused?

This is where my little analogy comes in (I L-O-V-E analogies. . . ). I'm going to describe two different books that I have read over the last year, and then share the overt influence they each had on my life.

Book 1: I read this book because of my mother. Seriously. She recommended it, and she actually lent me her copy. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have picked it out on my own. It seemed a little cheesy to me. It was about a prayer circle; a group of woman whose lives intersected over their faith. A large portion of the book was just recording the prayers they prayed when they were together. Halfway through I still thought it was a little cheesy. . . but you know, it was kind funny. . . I couldn't put it down.

Book 2: I picked this one out myself. It was set back at the turn of the 19th century, and it involved a young woman and the man she was forced to marry. Of course, as always happens in these books, they ended up falling in love. . . But it took quite a few twists and turns to arrive at their happy ending. I was addicted. I think I read it 23 hours. While somehow managing to also take care of my children. . . mostly.

Now, both of those books are by Christian authors. Neither of them contain any specific content that denies Jesus or goes against the life He has called us to live. Both of them provide some great examples for us to follow as we try to walk in faith.

How did they impact me?

Well, I'm glad you asked. One of them left me daydreaming constantly. Of course, as any girl does, I was inserting myself into the story and imagining it all playing out with myself as the lead character (am I not supposed to admit that at age 31? I may be old - but some things never change). After reading the other book I found myself praying. All the time. It was weird; like I was suddenly constantly aware of God's presence all around me. . . And it was an obvious (yet totally unconscious) response to the book I had read.

Now, I'm guessing that I don't have to tell you which book left me with which result. It should be obvious. And I'm not suggesting that reading romantic novels is evil and sinful. I think it does border on sinful for me, because I want ALL of my daydreams to be centered around the ONE man who has captured my heart and who will hold it forever: my husband. Its kinda hard to picture him as a lumberjack in the early 1900's living in Oregon, though. . . so that makes things tricky. . .

My conclusion? I don't care for the thoughts that tend to swirl around my brain when I read those books.

If I'm going to ingest something, and I know it is going to have an impact on my thoughts, words, and actions. . . well, then I'd like it to be something that encourages the kinds of thoughts, words and actions that I actually want to be living out. I think its pretty cool that a piece of fiction actually caused me to pray more.

Maybe that's a silly example. But I think it perfectly demonstrates the reality of this simple truth: what goes in, must come out.

And it leaves me with the same, simple question for you, dear friends.

What is it that you want coming out of you?