All This Time

This week our 6 year old son, Caleb, had to have surgery.  It was a common procedure and we had plenty of reassurances from the doctor that everything would be fine.  I was anxious anyway, of course, and spent the days before the procedure fretting over how it would all go.  My greatest fear was for the moment when I would have to leave him to the care of the staff and watch him roll down the hall away from me.  

Now - what would you imagine my response to be in that moment?  

Did I pray over Caleb with Matt just as he was about to roll away?

Did I remind him that Jesus is always with him and that God was in control?

Was I silently praying in my heart as I smiled and kissed my sweet boy?

No.  No.  And. . . no.

What really happened?  Well, I was desperately trying not to sob while I kissed his forehead and told him I'd see him after his nap.  That's it.  Nothing spiritual whatsoever.

In fact, it wasn't until we got out to the waiting room that I realized I hadn't really even thought about God in those precious moments.  I suddenly felt this overwhelming guilt because we didn't even think to pray with him.  I thought about what a great testimony that could have been to the nurses, and automatically gave myself a mental thumbs down for missing out on such a great opportunity.

My son was going into surgery, and I had forgotten God. 

Awesome.  

Thankfully I've had a little time to think about it over the last few days, though, and I have found a different perspective to take. . .  so, here it goes:

Sometimes its easier to write deep, spiritual thoughts and analogies than it is to think them in the difficult moments of life.  

Sometimes its easier to encourage someone else walking through hardship with the truth than it is to lean in on that truth when you're the one walking through hardship.

Sometimes its nice to imagine how spiritual you want to be in a given circumstance until you are in that circumstance, and you realize that spiritual is probably the last word anyone would use to describe you.

When you get to the end of a particularly difficult season in your life - or even just a difficult day - and realize that your spirituality has suffered and your mind was seemingly everywhere but centered on Jesus, I want to encourage you with this wonderful truth: 

He is still there.

Even when we allow our circumstances to consume our hearts and minds, He is there.

Even when we forget to turn to Him - forget to cry out in moments of weakness or pain, He is there.

Even when we forget to pray with our little boy before he goes into surgery, God is right there with us - and with him.

There is not one moment of one day when He leaves us on our own or turns His back on us.  In the midst of our struggles it can be hard to sense His presence. . . but often, in the days and weeks that come after, we can turn back and see with amazing clarity the beauty of His constant presence with us.  We recognize His gentle hand guiding us, holding us, and protecting us. . .  We realize He was always there.

It isn't always easy to see, but we can rest in the confidence that its true.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths,
you are there. 

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast. 

Psalm 139:7-10

Don't just skim over those words because you've read them a thousand times.  Read them slowly, and with the firm conviction that they were actually written for you.  We need to have truths like this cemented into our brains.  We need them because we are fallen, frail human beings who will be constantly tricked into believing quite the opposite.  

These last couple days home with Caleb have been awesome.  I know that God was with us on Tuesday, and it is undeniable that He is here with us now.  

I may have forgotten to pray in that moment; but under no circumstance will my God ever forget about me.

And that, my friends, is truly awesome.

Alarming Grace

Sometimes God gives me some really great opportunities to live out what I talk about on this blog.  Usually, He sends a gentle reminder that everything I write is meant not just as a lesson for you but also as a lesson for me. . . those reminders usually come in the form of embarrassing and humbling situations.

Is that how God works these things out for you?

Well, on Monday I set the alarm off at church.  It was a gloriously ridiculous moment when I typed in my code and then completely forgot which button to push (I was looking for an "enter" button. . . I was supposed to push the "off" button. . . ).  Have you ever been in a situation like that?  Typically, my response is to completely freak out and become incapable of thinking a single rational thought.  Its very helpful.

Thankfully I did get the alarm off.  I felt quite relieved and maybe a little proud of myself for figuring it out.

Until 20 minutes later, when one of our elders walked into the youth room and asked who set the alarm off.  It was then that I realized that turning the alarm off is helpful, but not the only necessary step.  Once you turn the alarm off you have to go down to the office and answer the phone when the security company calls so that they know you aren't a thief or something. . . I didn't do that, of course, so the security people had to call an elder, who had to drive all the way to church and make sure I wasn't a thief.

I tell ya, it doesn't take much for me to feel like a complete heel.  That pretty much did it.

I was feeling so bad, in fact, that I had to literally choke back the tears while I finished my piano lesson.  I had messed up, done something stupid, and as a result completely ruined another person's night (well, that was my perspective in it at least. . . he didn't exactly say that).

And then the moment came when God spoke right into my embarrassment.  I mentioned how awful I was feeling to one of my piano students, and he looked right up at me and said, "Everyone makes mistakes."

Wow.

Why is it so easy for me to tell you that its ok to make mistakes, that having a dirty car is nothing to be ashamed about, but then so hard for me to believe the same is true for me?

You can come to Jesus just as you are, knowing that He died for you while you were a sinner - but I had better be perfect, because nothing less than perfect works for me. . . Ugh.

I have some shocking news for some of you.  Ready?

I'm a sinner, too.

Setting off the alarm at church wasn't a sin (well, maybe in the elder's perspective it was), but there are plenty of areas in my life where I still struggle to make the right choices.  I am so completely dependent on the forgiveness and grace that is offered through Christ Jesus.  I am desperate for the power of the Spirit to be at work in me, granting me the strength, courage, and discipline to walk like Jesus walked. . . to be like him.

We're in this thing together, you know.  So don't think for one second that I have it all together - but like it says up in the tagline under this blog's title, I am running after Jesus, and I am daily reaching out for him.

Lets run together! 

And then the next time I set off the alarm at church we can have a good giggle and remind ourselves that even when we mess things up and make mistakes - no matter what - Jesus is daily reaching out for us. . .

What glorious and beautiful news. . .

You could maybe even call it alarming grace. . . yes?

Dirty Cars Welcome

Sometimes Ali watches movies in the morning while I help get Caleb off to school.  This morning she choose an old standard that she hadn't seen in a while:  Boz.  If you're over 7 years old, you probably don't know who Boz is.  He's the friendly green bear who loves Jesus and helps 2 little kids make good choices.

I know I've seen this particular show a hundred times at least, but today as I was putzing around  (doing I have no idea what, hopefully something amazingly productive) one particular scene struck me as odd.  Maybe even a little irritating. . .

Let me set up the scene for you:


The children are playing in their grandparent's yard.  There is a giant green bear named Boz.  There is also a red pickup truck in the driveway covered in mud.  

The Grandfather joyfully exclaims, "Hi children!  Why don't you help me wash the truck?  We're going to church tonight and I want it to look really nice."

First, let's take a moment and gasp in horror together.

(gasp!)

Now, let me explain why I think gasping in horror together is appropriate and necessary after that scene.

I'd like to start by reading you this verse from Romans 8:

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this:  while we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us.

That is the beauty of the gospel of Christ!  Here we are - broken, messy, sinful people - and our holy, awesome God chose to send His only Son to die in our place so that through him we could be made clean! 

We didn't have to get clean before Jesus died for us.  He died for us while we were STILL dirty and stuck in our sin!!  This is the wonderful hope that we hold out to the world around us:  there is a way to find peace with God - to restore fellowship with our Maker - and it doesn't require us to get our act together first!

So what does this have to do with a dirty red pickup truck?

Well, when we say things like that ("better wash the truck before we go to church!"), it perpetuates this completely false notion that we have to get our stuff together before we go to church.  It makes us feel like we have to wear a mask to hide our sin and shame from the rest of the body of Christ.  We have to put on our fanciest clothes and act like nothing ever phases us because we've got it all together. . .

Now don't mistake me - there isn't anything wrong with dressing up for church or not bursting into dramatic tears every time someone asks us how we are.  But sometimes we are all too quick to let our outer "cleanliness" be a clever coverup for our inward dirt.

In Luke, when the Pharisees are mad at Jesus because he was hanging out with "dirty" people, Jesus responds this way:

It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

Jesus knows we're dirty.  He knows we're sinners, and guess what?  He wants to hang out with us anyway. . .

If we're going to carry the dirty pickup truck analogy a little further, I think we could say that we are all dirty pickups, and that church is supposed to be the car wash.  We don't wash our cars before we go to the car wash, do we?  No, we take our dirty, gross cars just as they are, fully believing that the car wash will do a mighty work in getting them clean.

You don't need to be perfect to come to church.  You don't even have to dress up.

If I were in charge of the signage in our parking lot, I think I'd make a bunch of signs that say this:

Dirty cars welcome.  
Sinners welcome, too.

Come with an open heart, ready to be filled with the love of God.

Come with an open mind, ready to hear truth that can rock your world.

Come with a determined spirit, ready to put the truth you hear into action.

Come in your dirty car, and let the blood of Jesus wash you clean.

Come however you want. . .


just come.

There's a MONKEY in the choir!!

Have you ever noticed how embarrassing circumstances provide some seriously great material for spiritual analogies? Honestly, I should thank God daily for all of the dumb things I do and that happen to me because they result in some awesome "life lessons." Its been a long (L-O-N-G) time since I've posted anything, so I thought nothing could be more appropriate at this particular moment than reminding you of how ridiculous I am. In case you forgot. And then, of course, using my master weaving skills to turn my humiliation into a little nugget of spiritual wisdom for you to take away. . . =)

This particular story is set back in the fall of the year 2000. I was a music major at the University of Illinois' School of Music. I had transferred into the music program half-way through my sophomore year (because as an incoming freshman I was WAY to cool and rebellious to be a music major - more on that another day. . . ). As a result of this mid-year transfer - yes, I blame it completely on the transfer, not at all on my own lack of awareness - I did not realize that all music majors were supposed to be in an ensemble every semester.

I found out the following summer, and quickly signed up to try out for a choir in the fall.

Now - before I go on - there is something you need to know. I was a pianist. I felt fairly comfortable and confident in my ability to play the PIANO. I had absolutely ZERO confidence in my ability to sing. In high school I had a wonderfully informative choir director who graciously told me that "I was a great addition to a choir, but that I would never be a soloist." This is what they make the big money for: crushing little girls' dreams.

Anyway, auditioning for the choir at the School of Music was completely intimidating. There were basically two options: I would be placed in the University Chorus or the Women's Glee Club. The University Chorus was the "lower level" choir. The Glee Club consisted mostly of vocal music majors and non-music majors with amazing voices.

I was placed in the University Chorus. Not a huge surprise, mind you.

But there was a little problem. One of the classes I was taking had a pitifully low number of students. In fact, we had just enough students to keep the class going. When I found out that I had been placed in the University Chorus, and that the rehearsals conflicted with this class, I informed my TA that I would have to drop the class. He totally freaked out. If I dropped the class, the class would get canceled.

So, he approached the head of the vocal department and asked if they could make just one exception and let me be in the Glee Club so that his class wouldn't get canceled. The vocal guy decided that was just fine.

Do you know what that feels like? Having your dad pay the neighbor boy to take you to prom. Ugh.

Anyway, I show up to the first rehearsal feeling incredibly unworthy. I was pretty sure that someone would put a sign on my back that said I didn't belong and that I wasn't good enough.

Turns out the sign would have been completely unnecessary. I was given the wonderful opportunity to demonstrate my unworthiness all on my own. After getting all seated and comfortable the director informed us that we would each be taking a turn to stand and sing "My Country Tis of Thee" all by ourselves so that he could hear our voices and place us accordingly.

There is no way to describe how completely devastated I was. Girl after girl after girl arose to sing with such beauty, grace and ease. . . Their voices were amazing! They belonged here: I did not.

When it was my turn to sing I pretty much fell apart. I got about one note out, then started to laugh kinda awkwardly while I was singing. 60 girls stared at me like I was some kind of monkey. The director got angry. I felt like a complete loser.

Somehow I made it through that day. I have never felt more out of place and unworthy. At least it was official: everyone knew that I was somewhere I did not belong.

So sad, right? But enough about me. Lets talk about you.

Some of you have experienced these exact feelings in a very different setting. You have been made to feel completely unworthy, out of place, and undesirable not in a choir, but in a church.

You have this sinking feeling that you'll never be good enough.

You look around you at youth group and you see these girls who are so beautiful and graceful; girls who move through life with such ease. You feel awkward and out of place - kinda like a monkey in a choir.

If that is you, then brace yourself for some really, really, REALLY awesome news.

Every single one of those girls' dads payed the neighbor boy to take them to prom.

Ok, not really, but metaphorically speaking, you are no different than any one of them.

This is the beauty of the Christian life, girls! Every one of us has a Father who has declared that we are worthy - not because of our own goodness, but because of JESUS! Every single one of us falls short of the glory of God, and every single one of us has sin struggles that make us feel like we don't deserve a Savior.

But God's in charge, not us. And He has decided that there is no sin He cannot forgive; no stain He cannot wash clean; no girl He cannot redeem.

The body of Christ is not a selective choir - it is a hospital for sick, broken people.

If you walk into a youth room, or a sanctuary, or a conference center and feel a bit unworthy or out of place - welcome to the club, sweet girl!!! Not a one of us is there because we're worthy.

For those of you who are still feeling really bad for me, I've got some good news. It ended up being pretty fun to sing in the Women's Glee Club. Turns out singing with other girls who have amazing voices instilled a little confidence in me and helped me learn how to sing with greater grace, beauty, and ease. I also discovered that while my voice might be weaker than others, my ear is pretty functional. I didn't have the biggest vibrato, but I could tell when the altos were singing an F instead of an F#.

Girls - you will not all be lead singers in the worship band. You will not all lead a bible study or lead 6 friends to Christ.

We are all different and beautifully unique. The good news is that where you are weak, others are strong. . . where you are strong, others are weak. That is what makes God's family work. When we are all using our strengths, being mutually strengthened in our weaknesses, and giving God all the honor, glory and credit for the things we do well - then we experience life as it was meant to be lived!

The next time you are tempted to feel out of place or unworthy in the midst of the body of Christ, remember this: God has declared you worthy. So you just stand and sing your little heart out. . .

There are no monkeys in God's choir, after all. . .

Jesus Journal: A Brand New Day

Well, the last post was a pretty raw portrait of the struggling and confused girl I was in high school.  I think its well past time to share with you another entry, from just one year later.

July 26, 1997

Well, needless to say, a lot has happened this year.  During last summer I basically "broke up" with 2 friends.  There was always the occasional hello and short conversation - but nothing beyond that.  What I am sorry about though, is that I've let 2 other friendships fail, too.  I hope that this - my senior year - I will take advantage of my last chance to grow closer to my classmates.  I am praying that God would give me the courage to LIVE THE LIFE.  I am praying that God would help me to see past what I look like, or what others think - to my true worth in His eyes.  I am so thankful that God gave me Amy.  She was a light in the darkness, and I pray that as people look at our friendship they will see what brings us so close.  I also pray that God would take boys off my mind.  Who cares if I go to Homecoming or not??  I don't.  Not anymore.  In my last entry I talked about finding myself.  Well. . . I did.  I found myself in Jesus - and what a wonderful way to live.  =)

Do you see the miracle here?  In about 18 short months I went from ripping on others to elevate myself, to praying I'd be able to see myself solely through God's eyes.

God changed my heart and my mind sometime between February of 1996 and July of 1997.  He gave me a clean slate; a brand new start.

I didn't use sheer force of will or positive thinking to change the girl I was.  I had an encounter with the man who gave up everything and hung on a tree for me.  I met Jesus in a way I had never known Him before.  He changed me from the inside out.  He gave me a new purpose for living.  He helped me see the people in my life as precious in His sight. 


I was happier, too, you know.  Can you sense that?

Some of you aren't here yet, and you're afraid to surrender everything to Christ because of what you might have to give up or lose.   You know that it might mean "breaking up" with some of your friends while you learn what walking with Jesus really looks like. 

I can make you one guarentee, no matter what you're clinging to:  Jesus is better.

He is better than friends, boys, stuff, family, beauty, status, money, and popularity.  He is better than anything else you'll ever find.  He will fill you with more purpose, joy, hope, peace, courage and confidence than you ever thought you'd possess.

Jesus is better.  And if you've ever questioned that truth, take a minute to reread my last post.  Look at the girl I was on my own, and the girl I became with Jesus at my core.

Which girl do you think was filled with more joy?  more courage?  more confidence?  more love?

Not only that, but giving up certain friendships that were drawing me away from God didn't result in loneliness and friendlessness.  It resulted in the formation of one of the greatest friendships I've ever known! 

This journal entry marks the beginning of my real walk with Jesus.  It was a brand new start for a girl made new by the power and love of God.

No matter where you are and no matter what you've done, God's love and power is enough to create a brand new start for you, too. 

I'm living proof,

Jesus is better.

Jesus Journal: One Ugly Day

I have committed to sharing all of my life openly with you.  That means I have to be honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly. . .

Today, I'm sharing the ugly.

Brace yourselves.

February 21, 1996

Hey - waz up?  Well, major update time.  The Monday after the Winter Dance _____ asked me out.  At first I was mad because I was just going to forget about him.  But, of course, I said yes.  We went out for a month and the relationship went NO WHERE!!  He's a freak, so I dumped him.  Oh well, life goes on!!

_____ & _____ are still yucky.  I'm just going with the flow.  I'm trying to not let the things they do bug me so much.  _____ & _____ & I are really close - that's cool.  And _____ is HOT!  Maybe dorky, but HOT, so uh. . . . whatever!

You know what I think when I read that entry?  Man, that girl was awful.  I cannot believe the venom in my own words; how easily I belittled the people in my life.  Ugh - makes me sick!

But do you know the truth of where those words came from?

They came from the heart of an incredibly insecure and frightened young girl. 

I had fallen for one of the world's greatest lies; one that I shared with you in that post called Worldy Nuggets of Wisdom. . .  one that I thought might help me deal with my intense insecurities.


Lie #6:  Don't worry about it!  You're not as lame as ______ .

I was cutting down the people in my life to make me feel better about myself.  I spoke harsh, unloving words in an attempt to boost my own ego.  The sad part is, I know that some of that venom was spoken out loud, aimed at the individuals who were threatening my feelings of acceptance. . .

Having traveled down this road toward the world's solution for insecurity, I can confidently tell you 2 things:  it isn't the truth, and it doesn't work.

I didn't feel better about myself at the end of that year.  I felt worse.

God's solution for insecurity it quite the opposite of this.  Instead of tearing others down we boost others up.  Instead of worrying about our own placement on the scale of social acceptance we depend on our ultimate acceptance in Christ.  We know that we will never be good enough, and we rest in the knowledge that His good is enough for us.

We are not surprised when people reject us, or make fun of us. . . on some level, we expect it.  And when it happens, we rejoice that we were counted worthy of suffering for the sake of Jesus.

Well, that is how it is supposed to work.  I haven't mastered it yet.  I still stumble when it comes to placing all of my self worth and confidence in Christ. . . But I'm closer than I was when I was 15.

And I'm happier than I was when I was 15.

Because no matter how hard it is to make the right choices and live out the truth that we all ultimately know exists, living the truth is the only thing that can ever bring us everlasting joy and peace.

Take a step today towards rejecting this lie.  If you are faced with an opportunity to put someone else down - no matter how much you think they deserve it - choose to lift them up instead.  Look to others as better than yourself.

You won't regret it.

A Little Affirmation from a Really Smart Guy

Ok - so do you remember last week or so when I wrote about garbage?  I talked about how we tend to let a lot of junk into our hearts and minds with some strange expectation that it won't effect us.  My big thought was this:

What goes in must come out.

I kinda wrote about it twice. . . If you haven't checked out those posts you can find them here by clicking on the links:  What goes in must come out, and Daydreams and Prayers

Anyway, I was super excited the other day during my reading time when I stumbled upon a quote that almost perfectly expresses a very similar thought.

Here it is, from D.A. Carson's commentary on Philippians entitled "Basics for Believers,"

If you think holy thoughts, you will be holy; if you think garbage, you will be garbage.

Is it just me, or does everyone get a little giddy when a really, really smart theologian says something that affirms what we've said?

I know that D.A. Carson is not God.  He is not always right.  But I think he's probably right more often than me. . . Or, at least I think he could probably back up his thought processes with more specific bible verses and background information than I could.

So when the words of a guy like that affirm a girl like me, well, it feels pretty good.

It makes me think, hey - maybe I'm not so crazy after all!!

I should also add that Carson was expressing that thought in reference to a verse in Philippians that says this:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.   Philippians 4:8

Why do we want to fill our heads with true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy thoughts?

Because if you think holy thoughts, you will be holy, and if you think garbage, you will be garbage.

Because what goes in must come out.