Conflicted

I have been going back and forth about writing this post all day. . . The truth is that I am feeling incredibly conflicted about some of the things I've been writing about and analyzing in the last few days and weeks. It isn't that I feel that any of it is untrue, or unimportant. . . more that I am not confident about how it will be or has been received.

This whole last year God has been doing a huge work in my heart and life. I am back to a place of longing to spend time in His word - actually dragging myself out of bed (happily, I might add!) at ungodly hours of the morning to be with Him in quietness before the kids get up. The most miraculous transformation in my mind, though, is the way that He has broken me free from chains that have held me for years! I haven't just avoided certain habitual sins - I have actually lost an appetite for them altogether.

And yet, every day that I draw closer to Him I also see myself continuing to make selfish, self-centered choices. I'm not perfect, and although I can say that I am more like Jesus today than I was a year ago - it would take more than eternity for me to reach that ultimate goal!

That said, this life transformation has to do with finally and fully surrendering myself at the foot of the cross. Recognizing that when Jesus said, "Come, follow me," He really meant it - in the most all-consuming way possible! It requires humility. . . putting myself aside and looking to glorify and honor Him in everything. It isn't about me becoming awesome. It isn't about me at all. . .

But I am afraid that in recent posts you might have left feeling that I have judged the whole world and found it wanting. Like somehow I have achieved truth and knowledge all I my own and everyone else is wandering aimlessly and purposely.

The truth is, some of you are. And I do believe that the Bible is the whole truth for the whole world for all of time. And I believe that though there are many interpretations of this ancient text, there is one correct way to read, understand, and apply all of God's word.

But any frustration that I have expressed in these recent days is aimed at those who claim to follow Jesus but don't really want to know what that actually means. They confess him with their lips, but do not acknowledge Him in their hearts. And if you believe that all of the bible is really true, then you must know that when those individuals face Christ on the last day, His response to them will be, "I'm sorry. I never knew you."

I am frustrated sometimes. I long for every single one of you to experience true life and true freedom. . . I long for our church to rise up and be a light in this community and world. I don't want to be arrogant or prideful, somehow assuming that I have this awesome faith and unparalleled understanding. . . I just want to know Jesus Christ and Him crucified. . . I just want to live for Him.

So maybe this post is partly an apology, and partly not. I'm sorry if my frustration has been a stumbling block, or if it has confused you, or if you haven't understood my true intentions. But I'm not sorry for speaking the truth as plainly and simply as I see it.

What's the point of all this if we can't at least speak truth?