Unbelievable

I have something important to tell you. You might want to sit down. Some crazy things (ok - one majorly crazy thing) have been happening these last couple of weeks, and I have been completely convinced (ok, well, I was convinced before) about a couple major truths. Here we go, ready?

God is real. And God is intimately involved in the details of our lives.

Remember that last post about being homesick and feeling an ache and a longing for the friendships and the home I left behind up north? Well, God did something wild on our 4 hour drive up there that completely changed my perspective and deepened my faith in His ability to do anything.

You see, we own this beautiful little home on Alma Lake in the Northwoods. We spent 2 years completely redoing the main level, and I was convinced that some happy couple would walk in, fall in love, and offer us our asking price within 2 weeks of listing it on the market! Oddly enough, that hasn't happened. In fact, it has been on the market for 3 months now and has only had one showing. No joke. ONE SHOWING! What is the deal with that?

So Matt and I were beginning to worry about how we were going to handle the finances and take care of this property and still be settled into life down here. As I blogged about a few weeks ago, I was terrified that seeing our house empty would make me sad; that I would long to fill it up again with laughter and yummy smells and tiny feet running around. . .

We were set to drive up north on Sunday afternoon. My job was to clean up the house and then Matt would mow the lawn before we headed back home to Oconomowoc on Tuesday. That morning at Oakwood Church a young family we had met at a bible study (the only bible study we have attended since moving here and joining this church of 800) commented that another couple in the study had just accepted a job offer in a town called Minocqua. If you are unfamiliar with northern Wisconsin, Minocqua is about 20 minutes from our home in St Germain. I laughed at the unlikely circumstances and joked about knowing a great home that they could purchase.

It wasn't until several hours later (in the car driving up north, in fact) when I told Matt about the crazy "coincidence" that he asked with wide, hopeful eyes, "Do you think they might want to rent our house?"

Duh. Hadn't thought of that. Amazingly, we happened to have another mutual friend's phone number with us in the car. I called that friend and mentioned our idea. She shrieked and said they were definitely looking for a place and in fact they had just posted on facebook how they were having a difficult time finding anything.

She gave us their phone number and by the time we were an hour away we had a meeting set up with the husband of this young couple to see the house the next morning (oh, I should note here that he was in St Germain, staying in a cabin about half a mile from our house).

Suddenly, my fears about seeing our house were washed away. I was so excited imagining this sweet couple living there and making it their own home. In one short, 4 hour car trip God provided for our needs (and their needs) - financially and emotionally. He showed up and worked out this crazy scenario. Who would have thought that a couple from our new church would move up north and live in our old house??!?!

And if you aren't convinced that God is in the middle of all of this, you should probably know that 1 year ago (before we had ever heard of Oakwood church) our street name was changed. Oddly enough, it was changed to Oakwood Court. Just sayin'. . .

I believe God is real. And I believe that God is intimately involved in the details of my life.

Homesick

I have been asked several times over the last few weeks how I'm doing with the transition and if we're settled into life down here. My response is always an overwhelming yes, affirming that we are so blessed to have our little home and are loving ministry at our new church. Both of those statements are completely true. It feels so wonderful to know with such certainty that we have followed God's call on our lives, and I can so clearly see the fruit that is already coming from that decision. I am also enjoying the change of pace in my own life, as I have limited my involvement at church to supporting Matt and have made a larger priority of taking care of my two little ones. And if I'm really being honest, here, I have also found an inappropriately large amount of joy from just knowing I can go to Target whenever I want. =)

But over the past few days I have also realized that in my enjoyment of some of life's changes over the last 6 weeks, I have totally ignored the enormous, gaping hole that now exists in my heart. I think I actually convinced myself for a while that it didn't exist.

I know what revealed the hole to me so clearly. . . Matt has a workshop up north next week and I suddenly have the opportunity to spend 24 hours visiting friends and checking up on our house. At first I was just so excited for an opportunity to visit some of the people that I spent a lot of time with during our 4 years there, but as I've thought more about it I am completely and totally terrified.

Terrified because I am finally facing the reality of what I left behind almost 2 months ago. A house that we labored over and loved; students who touched our lives as much as we touched theirs; friends who brought joy, laughter, support, encouragement and more life-change than I could have ever dreamed to experience.

I knew, and still know, that leaving was the right choice. But in the midst of affirming the rightness of that choice, I have shielded my heart from thinking about the hurts of the reality that came with it. My heart is aching for the friends that walked with me through the first few years with my kids and the culmination of my 10-year-long wait to get baptized.

And yet, I am so excited and overjoyed at the prospect of what the coming years have for us here. While I have yet to develop deep, strong bonds with anyone here yet, I know that it will come. God has always been faithful to provide dear friendships that have sustained me and encouraged me.

No matter how much it might hurt to move on and leave behind such amazing and significant people, God has orchestrated both their entrance and their exit from my daily life. In His great plans He has something for us all here and now. . .

And of course, it always helps to remember that neither place is actually my home. We are wanderers and vagabonds on this earth, moving from one temporary dwelling to another until our Mighty God eventually calls us home. When I think about how much I long for my friends up north, I am reminded of how that should pale in comparison to how much I long for my Savior. . .

For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade— and we'll never have to relocate our "tents" again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what's coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we're tired of it! We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less. 1 Corinthians 5:1-5 (the message)

It's not about me. Or you.

When I was in college I led a bible study of younger girls at our dorm. One of the issues that often came up was our tendency to obsessive about ourselves - specifically our perceived weaknesses and strengths. There was a worship song that was popular at the time that said "It's all about you, Jesus, only you." In jest, I would often change the words and sing to the girls (sarcastically, of course), "It's all about me, Erin, only me." The girls would giggle and we'd move on, but on some level I hope and pray that the point hit home.

We all have the tendency to make our lives about us. We worry about how we look, what people think, whether we are worthy, whether any boys have their eyes on us, and on and on. We live in a culture that tells us that our success in life is completely wrapped up in our appearance and our material pileup of stuff. Sorry boys, but you fit into that category as well; a living and breathing addition to our material pileup of stuff that supposedly adds credit to our credentials.

I have absolutely no idea how to successfully counteract this teaching with truth. I mean, I know what the truth is, I just can't figure out how to convince young girls that it really is better the way that God meant it to be.

There is something so much better; a way of living that brings such deeper joy, satisfaction and fulfillment. I can't even begin to describe what it feels to be free. Truly free. I have lived in both worlds, and I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that every single person who would honestly and seriously try walking God's way would never turn back. There wouldn't be anything appealing to turn to. . .

And yet, somehow I have failed to convince many girls that this is true. I have watched in overwhelming sadness as they have heard about this man named Jesus, spoken of a great affection for Him, and then turned and followed the opposite path towards self-gratification. They have walked away from Christ and pursued worldly success and material pileup. Oh, it breaks my heart. . .

And its humbling. . . Because it reminds me that it isn't about me either. I can't use my amazing wit or depth of wisdom to convince anyone of anything. Its the work of God Himself through His Holy Spirit that convicts hearts and draws young women to Himself. I can only do so much; and in the end its all about Jesus, not about me anyway.

I am praying for the young women in my life this morning. Begging the God who can calm the seas and send rain from the heavens to move in their hearts and forever change their lives. I pray that they would see Jesus and realize that He is worth more than this world could ever offer. . . No worldly success or material pileup could compare with this Redeemer of mine.

It's all about you, Jesus. Only you.

Never Give Up

Well, I'm 30 now. Its funny how old that seemed at one point in my life. . . Now I'm ready for it! I love that I'm 30, and I feel like this next decade is going to be fabulous. I've been thinking a lot about my post last week, especially in light of my birthday. If you didn't see it, I had shared about my (frustrating) tendency to change who I am and how I act depending on the people that I'm around.

The thing is, though, that when I wrote that post I wasn't writing it in a discouraged or defeated way. I had seen something in myself (well, with the help of a certain love of mine pointing it out), and was processing the good, the bad, and the ugly. I didn't cry (amazing!), and by the end of the discussion/reflection time I was actually encouraged thinking about what God can and will do through me.

That, my friends, is why I'm excited to be 30. Not making sense yet?

You see, there is a beautiful thing that comes from age and experience (though you don't need either of those things to gain it!) called maturity. Just a few short years ago if anyone I loved pointed out a sin issue in my life I would crumble to the floor in tears and self loathing. I was incapable of receiving constructive criticism without letting it effect my own feelings of self worth.

But now, God has done this crazy thing in me. He has given me this unwavering confidence in where I stand with Him. He has affirmed in me His great love and unfailing mercy, and I am not afraid to discover (and consequently share) my weaknesses and struggles with others. I'm not afraid because I finally understand and believe that they don't define me.

I am a child of God. I am loved, forgiven, redeemed, adopted, and filled. I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine. . .

On some level I will probably always be fighting my people-pleasing tendencies, but I am aware of that propensity and continually pray and work towards a single-minded, Christ-pleasing mentality.

I am running after Christ and throwing off the hindrances that distract me from my cause. I'm not sinless, but I know I sin less. And when I do stumble along the way the path to repentance seems much clearer than it did before.

When you feel overwhelmed and discouraged with your sin, and when it feels like you will never turn that corner and be completely free, remember that sometimes it isn't until you turn around and look back that you realize how much you've really grown.

And when it is difficult to see growth even there, take your eyes off of your struggles and remember who you are, and whose you are. . .

Ephesians 1:3-11 (the message):

How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.

Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we're a free people—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth.

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.

Chameleon

Do you ever find yourself in situations where it is difficult to really be yourself? Like you have to veil a part of who you are, or emulate something that isn't necessarily what you're like? I find myself feeling this way often. . . I know where it comes from; why I do it. It isn't a quality that I hope to pass on to my children, because the root issue at hand here is my desperate longing for acceptance and approval from others who cross my path (not a desirable or Christ-like longing).

My chameleon tendencies are exaggerated even further because I have this natural dramatic flair that makes it really easy for me to change into whatever "character" best fits whatever context I happen to find myself in. I can even change the way I talk and how I communicate like flippin' a switch.

I'm telling you all this because I'm trying to be real (the whole point of this blog, yes?) but it is an unfortunate and difficult thing to admit (especially seeing as how it is something I have recognized and fought against time and time again over the years. . . ). I want to be the kind of woman who is consistent and transparent in all circumstances; no matter who I'm around or what they are like. I want to be completely unafraid to be who I am. You see, it isn't that my actions or words in these situations are sinful, its the heart behind them that is longing for acceptance from people instead of God.

I am most convicted when I think about Christ. Do you think he ever changed the way he spoke or how he acted in order to convince the crowds that he was fabulous? Do you think he allowed the attitudes and behaviors of others to define his behavior? No way, my friends. . . I am convinced that Jesus was completely unconcerned with acceptance, and completely consumed with truth. It didn't matter how others perceived him, only that he was following after the will of his Father.

I am also convicted when I think about God, my Father. His unchanging character is what gives us the greatest confidence and assurance of our eternal destiny with Him. If He was continually swaying with the wind, following the fickle desires of His heart, we would have no confidence in where we stand. But He is a rock; unmovable, unchangeable, forever and always the same. How awesome is that?

So, that's where my heart is this morning. . . Immensely grateful for a Savior who lived the greatest example, and for a God who offers unending opportunities to be molded into the example Christ has set (and through His Spirit the power to do it!).

Oh, pray with me that we would all run unashamedly after Christ in whatever capacity He has fashioned us to run!

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

He grew up before him like a tender shoot, like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. Isaiah 53:3

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

Lead me on

Now that I have been out of routine for a few weeks I'm finding it difficult to find that place of consistency again. . . In some ways that is good. Some old habits that needed to change have been altogether erased without much effort on my part. Writing, however, seems to have been added to the list of neglected activities, and that is frustrating. . . I guess I should extend myself some grace - after all, our life was turned upside down a couple weeks ago. I just have this inner longing to be settled and scheduled the minute I arrive somewhere new. Its an unrealistic and unnecessary need, but one that I feel deeply nonetheless.

So my lack of posting is annoying to me, because there is no shortage of activity going on inside this head and heart of mine. I am doing my best to catalog this experience in my long term memory; cementing this time so that one day I can look back and relive the joys and fears and wonders of the transition.

The truth of the matter is that everything is different in my life right now. I feel like I was headed 100 miles an hour in one direction and suddenly (overnight!) shifted 180 degrees the opposite way. . . Neither direction is inherently good or bad - just different. I am loving this different. I am grateful for this opportunity and expectant for what God will do.

I look to the road I was on and I can see how God truly works all things for the good of those who love Him. I see how His hand was leading us and how His Spirit transformed us. I think about the friendships that we developed and the lives that we touched, and I am grateful. It was good.

And now I look ahead to the road before us, and I am excited. . . Oh, how awesome it is to live the life! What amazing joy and hope and assurance there is when we follow Jesus - really follow Jesus. Its gonna be good. Different in every way, but good.

One day I'll look back on this time and see it as the road I was on, rather than the one I currently travel. I'll recognize the ways that God worked in us and through us here, and hopefully I'll be able to turn my face to the new road ahead and feel the same anxious anticipation and hope that I feel right now.

We keep our eyes on Jesus, we follow regardless of the cost, and we race on for the joy set before us, for the road yet traveled.

Oh, this is gonna be a good road. I can tell already. . .

Rebel with a cause

I am not naturally rebellious. I am a rule follower. Give me a rule; I will follow it. I am horrified by the idea of failing to meet others' expectations, and even more distraught at the thought of actually getting into trouble. Last week we were rebuked by the association where we live for using sidewalk chalk on the walkway to our apartment. I cried. Now, I'm pretty sure I was not just crying about breaking the rule, but it pushed me over the edge nonetheless.

You have to love the way God works, though, because He has pushed my rule-following ways to the absolute limit lately. You see, for some reason He has instilled this far greater need within me to follow Jesus. Jesus first, rules second. That might sound strange, because we usually assume that those two are equivalent. Jesus made the rules, right?

Not necessarily. Jesus laid out a passion, a plan, and a purpose for each of our lives. When we look to His life, His teaching, and His example we gain a clear picture of how we are to live. The problem is that over time we tend to develop an aching need to paint the picture a little clearer and add to the example of Christ.

Sometimes we can become so bogged down in following our revised vision of the Christian life that we lose sight of Christ altogether (Mark 7). When we lose sight of Christ, the clear passion, plan and purpose for our lives becomes lost as well. We begin to live in a morality bubble where following the rules somehow trumps following Christ.

Lately, there have been moments where I actually feel rebellious. Strange, isn't it, that I could feel rebellious following Christ? Especially seeing as how it most often occurs when I'm with other Christians. . .

Rules aren't bad or wrong. Sometimes I think we just forget the why behind the rule and the rule becomes the end instead of the means. Or we just accept the rule without really processing it through the words and life of Christ to determine if its actually legitimate.

Jesus first. Rules second.

If you love me, you will obey what I command. John 14:15

It isn't that we're not to be obedient, only that our obedience flows first from our love. We focus on our relationship with Christ and look to Him for our standards for living. Love Him first and obedience to Him follows quite easily.

Jesus first. Rules second.

Works every time. . .