Alternate Endings

I have always loved to read. As a kid I would get so drawn into the stories I read that life on this planet would pretty much stop until I finished a good book. My favorites at one point were the books with the different possible endings. You could jump to different pages at different points and the story would take an alternate route to a much different conclusion. It was so fun to imagine how things would turn out differently if circumstances changed.

This last week I found myself wishing for an optional alternate ending in life. Do you ever do that? Last week just did not go how I pictured it would. . . We had made plans for a Thanksgiving trip with some friends, and I was anticipating a fun-filled, relaxing, delicious few days at a beautiful condo in the Wisconsin Dells. The plan was foiled when my son, Caleb, woke up the first night with the stomach flu.

That was not what I had planned. I didn't expect to be laying in bed on Thanksgiving (having come down with the flu myself) while everyone else was eating beef tenderloin and mashed potatoes. Now, I don't want to be too over dramatic here - there were still some really fabulous moments of fellowship and fun with my kids and our friends. . . But if I'm being totally honest, I was disappointed because I had such grandiose visions for how last week would go. And in reality, it just didn't stack up.

Its hard when things don't go our way. I was definitely disappointed, and my natural temptation was to ask God, "Why?" That question becomes even more consuming when it deals with life's bigger issues. It is one thing for our vacation to be tainted by the presence of sickness, and quite another when our world seems to be falling apart altogether.

Some of you reading this have had to ask God "Why?" in regard to some pretty heavy stuff. Why didn't I get into the college I so desperately longed to attend? Why did the relationship I thought would end in marriage just end for good? Why is the marriage that I thought would bring such fulfillment and joy crumbling around me? Why did I have to lose one of the most important people in my life? Why?

Oh, I know that God's ways are better than mine. . . and I really do believe that He wants what is best for me - even when I don't understand how His best could even be good. But it is hard to remember that in moments of difficulty. It is really hard not to get frustrated and wave your fists in the air demanding an alternate ending. . .

But a pretty phenomenal thing happened in the midst of my pity party over the last few days. I remembered Jesus. Not that I had forgotten Him entirely, but I remembered the truth that I wrote about several weeks back. . . I am already and ultimately a conqueror in Him. No matter what difficulty I might face - here is the beauty:

The end is already written. There are no alternatives. Jesus wins. One day every knee will bow and every tongue confess. Oh, there is no greater ending than that!

So, along the way, I will get the stomach flu on vacation; people I love will hurt and suffer; plans and dreams will get crushed by life's never-ending curve balls. . . but I will do my best to focus on the ultimate end to this great story.

Remember, no matter what: Jesus wins.

No alternate ending necessary.

Oh, what a night!

I don't have any idea what to say. I want to write about what happened this past Saturday, but there aren't any words to describe it. I can't begin to express the power and beauty and joy of that night. Oh, I guess I'll just do my best to explain it as it happened. . .

I stood in a little pool at the front of my church and listened to the story of my life - of my faith - being told to a group of about 100. I listened to my husband share his love for me - a love that is grounded in Jesus - before he lowered me down. . . I felt this warm water cover my face and in that moment remembered the weight of my sin. I acknowledged that there is nothing I can do to make myself worthy of a great and holy God. This is what the Christian life is all about; dying to ourselves; recognizing that we are incapable of living as we should on our own. Oh, but then - then Matt lifted me up out of the water. And in that singular moment I felt the freedom and power and unparalleled joy that comes from living life with Christ. I am forgiven. I am clean.

I once was lost but now am found. It's not that I didn't know these things before. I have been a Christian for a long time now. . . I have felt the power and love of God abounding in my life for at least 10 years. But I understand now why Jesus tells us - no, commands us! - to be baptized. There is something indescribable and unique about physically reenacting the truths that we believe about this man named Jesus.

So, that is my story. Last Saturday night was a night of love lavished. . . It was the most encouraging, awesome thing I have ever experienced.

And as if that wasn't good enough, I then got to stand next to a friend who has been right next to me in this journey for the past 4 years. I have seen God grab hold of her heart and open her eyes to the truth of His word. Oh, to stand next to her as she committed the rest of her days to Him was AMAZING!! What a joy to get to experience this with her. . .

This Thanksgiving I feel more deeply blessed than ever before. My heart is aching and yearning for every one of you to feel this power and love as deeply as I have. God is real. Jesus really came to this earth to make a way for YOU to know and experience God's love and forgiveness. No matter where you've been or what you've done. The blood of Christ can make you clean.

What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Coincidence?

I was digging through books in my basement this afternoon. In my search for a particular book (which I never did find, by the way) I stumbled upon an old journal. As I flipped through the pages I was so encouraged to find a prayer that speaks to exactly where I'm at these days. Its funny that after 9 years I'm still praying the same things and struggling with the same issues. . . But I think it also reveals how God has been working in my heart all along. I have learned so much since I wrote these words. . . And my prayer is that wherever you are in your own journey, you would see God's faithful hand bringing you to places of greater understanding even amidst the battles you continue to fight (And before you go on - if you haven't read my post from yesterday, read that first!! It will shed a lot of light on the meaning of this).

So, from my journal on June 29th, 2000:

Holy Father,

Praise to you, God, for this glorious day! Thank you for creating this earth so beautifully. Thank you for music that we may worship you in song. Thank you for your undying love for me; your boundless mercy and your constant faithfulness. God I confess to you that I have been seeking confidence in the wrong places. I confess to you that I seek others' approval before yours. It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in the external. God, grow me in my character, teach me that that is what counts. I pray that you would teach me to hear your voice. Train me in the way of understanding. Lead me to truth and give me confidence in that. . .

(Umm, then I prayed for some stuff a little too personal for the world wide web). . .

God I ask that we may learn how to fear. Lord that we may be men and women who fear the Lord.

Proverbs 14:10-11, His pleasure is not in the strength of a house, nor his delight in the legs of man; the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

God has answered this prayer 100 times over since June of 2000. I'm not perfect yet, but oh how much stronger is my faith and deeper my longing!! He has been faithful to show me what it truly means to fear Him - and even though I struggle to actually do it, I have been given the understanding I so desperately prayed for way back when!! I hope that I'm still praying this prayer - to throw off the chains of approval and seek to fear God above man - in 5o years!

And then when I'm 80 I can look back to this blog post and say,

"Oh, God has answered that prayer 1,000 times over since November of 2009. I'm not perfect yet, but oh how much stronger is my faith and deeper my longing!!"

Holy Fear

I am afraid of people. Afraid that they won't or don't like me. Afraid that they'll think I'm illegitimate or insincere. I am deeply afraid that the people I love won't like the choices I make. I know that this stems from my insecurities and my tendency to find worth in others' opinions instead of God's. . . but it is really hard to avoid it, even knowing it's root cause.

There are a few big choices I have made in life where I still feel this nagging insecurity that I somehow messed up. And honestly, I often assume that the people around me know it and feel the same way about me.

Over the last few days there have been a few opportunities for me to suffocate myself under the weight of fear. And for the most part, I did it. I allowed my sense of confidence, self-worth, and joy be affected by my fears of other peoples' opinions.

Then this morning I was reading in Proverbs, and stumbled upon this simple verse:

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline. Proverbs 1:7

So according to this verse not all fear is bad (nor does it need to be suffocating). But what does it mean to fear the Lord? I have heard a lot of people say that it isn't so much fear as respect, or awe. I don't know, to me that just doesn't quite seem to do it.

So I went to my blessin' of a hubby and asked for his perspective on this holy fear. He pointed me to Exodus 1. It was at this point in history when Pharaoh commanded that all baby boys born to the Israelites be killed. His first plan was to execute this order through the midwives who helped the Israelites deliver their babies. But his plan didn't exactly go as he had hoped. . .

The king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, whose names were Shiphrah and Puah, "When you help the Hebrew women in childbirth and observe them on the delivery stool, if it is a boy, kill him; but if it is a girl, let her live." The midwives, however, feared God and did not do what the king of Egypt had told them to do; they let the boys live. Exodus 1:15-17

That is pretty amazing, isn't it? Here is Pharaoh - this powerful dictator who could snap his fingers and order anything he desired. He could have killed the midwives for not faithfully obeying his demands, and yet the midwives did not fear him. They feared God.

I think these midwives had a more accurate picture of the might and power of God than many of us do today. They understood that He had power over every king, ruler, or soldier they might face. They feared Him because they knew that His justice and wrath towards sin would be much greater than any human anger they could face.

So these midwives chose to fear the wrath of the Lord over the anger of Pharaoh, and they spared the lives of the little boys they delivered.

I believe that fear of the Lord is the beginning of understanding because it puts everything in perspective. When we place this holy, just, mighty God against anything else in this world we see where the power really is. We recognize the foolishness of fearing anything in this world because we recognize that God has power over it all.

I want to be afraid - but not of any person or opinion. I want to choose the fear of the Lord over the fear of man. Isn't funny how God's ways seem so upside down from what the world teaches? It is when I truly fear God that I find complete rest and freedom in Him.

Untouchables

I have never met someone with leprosy. I've seen pictures and heard stories of the horrible symptoms of this disease. In biblical times people who had leprosy were cast out of communities and sent to live on their own. No one would touch them or come near them because of their sickness and deformity. If you did come near someone with leprosy, you yourself were considered unclean and had to go through purification rituals before you could reenter daily life.

I think its difficult for us to imagine what that was like because leprosy isn't exactly common these days. But I think we have all seen images of people who are sick; people who are suffering from some physical condition that deforms their faces and leaves them looking unapproachable and untouchable.

And if we're honest with ourselves, we have to admit that while we don't exactly banish them openly, we avoid them and often turn away from their suffering. I think this is true not just for sick individuals, but social outcasts as well. There are those in our midst who don't look or act like everyone else. They carry the disease of unpopularity, and they often lack the social skills to interact with others in positive ways.

So we banish them. We avoid them in the hallway. We dodge them in the narthex at church. They are our modern day lepers, and we have often responded to them exactly the way the people of God did in Israel 2,000 years ago. Be careful not to get too close to them, because you might become unclean. . .

What do you think Jesus would say about all this? How would he respond? How did he respond when he came face to face with the lepers of his day? Let's take a look in Mark and see the unbelievable love and compassion of our Savior.

A man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus, begging to be healed. “If you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean,” he said.

Moved with compassion, Jesus reached out and touched him. “I am willing,” he said. “Be healed!” Instantly the leprosy disappeared, and the man was healed. Then Jesus sent him on his way with a stern warning: “Don’t tell anyone about this. Instead, go to the priest and let him examine you. Take along the offering required in the law of Moses for those who have been healed of leprosy. This will be a public testimony that you have been cleansed.”

But the man went and spread the word, proclaiming to everyone what had happened. As a result, large crowds soon surrounded Jesus, and he couldn’t publicly enter a town anywhere. He had to stay out in the secluded places, but people from everywhere kept coming to him.

Jesus didn't have to touch the man in order to heal him. He could have simply spoken the word and it would have been done. I believe that Jesus reached out and touched him as an example to us. . . and example of unconditional love, a willingness to become unclean to show love to those who desperately need it. Jesus' love knows no bounds and is not confined to the 'clean, comfortable, socially appropriate' people around us.

Oh how I pray that we would be Jesus to the lepers in our lives! That we would be unafraid and unashamed to reach out in love and touch them! You can bet that most of them did not ask for the disease that has ostracized them from their community. And who knows what kind of impact you can have when you reach out with the love of Jesus and touch someone who has been isolated and avoided for the last several years!

Today God can use you to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I pray that when opportunities arise we would all be willing and ready. . .

Remind Me

We all need reminders. Some of us need them more than others (and I admittedly need them more than most). This weekend was a fabulous reminder for me about the importance and priority of my job as a mom. My kids are not the center of my word. Jesus holds that position unchallenged. But He has given me these kids and commissioned me with the task of molding their little hearts and minds to run after Him.

Moms make a huge difference in this world. . . Ahh, here's to becoming the kind of mom that can effectively jump start my children into a lifelong relationship of depth and trust with the Maker of this universe (and the weaver of their little souls. . . ). Here's to living like Jesus so that they have a role model and example of what true life really is.

Here's to my two beautiful kids. . . I am so grateful, and so very blessed.

Couch Therapy

This last week has been a roller coaster of sickness and sadness. It has probably been 3 weeks since I have felt 100% healthy, and the toll of being tired and sick makes dealing with emotional issues pretty darn difficult. My super-mature/hugely-spiritual response to all of this has been to live for tomorrow. Its a pretty good philosophy to cling to when your body aches and your head is so congested that you can't breath at all when you recline to anything beyond a 90 degree angle. . . Except, it isn't biblical, and it definitely doesn't work well with the issues we face regarding the heart.

You see, in my exhaustion I can look at tomorrow and see potential for health and energy. I can make myself feel better about all of the things I didn't do, because certainly tomorrow I'll be able to make up for it, right? But what about the sadness? Will the loss of a friend be easier tomorrow? Will the heartache of knowing that some of the people I treasure most in the world are suffering be any more tolerable? No. Honestly, it won't. When you are facing the painful, traumatic experiences in life, tomorrow doesn't always bring relief.

So what, then? How do I respond when I am sick and incapable of having a meaningful conversation with God? What do I cling to when life throws curve balls that smack me in the gut and slam me to the ground? Where is there relief if not in tomorrow?

Oh, now see, this is where I love the simplicity of the Christian life. Here is the perfect opportunity for a "Sunday School" answer that is completely legit. The answer to every one of those questions?

Jesus.

I don't need to look to tomorrow. Who knows what tomorrow will hold anyway. . . I might not be any better, any more capable of cleaning my house, or any more ready to deal with the grief that inevitably comes with life in this fallen world. But I can look to Jesus and find the strength to live today. I can put one foot in front of the other and pray for His strength to carry me through.

In the moments when my head is clear I can open my bible and read about this man who has power over everything that troubles me, and I can find hope in today. Today I will live for Jesus. It might not seem so triumphant to someone looking in my window. . . watching me alternate between 3 blankets and no blankets to accommodate for the heat waves/chills that seem to come and go, channel surfing to find something to fall asleep to with my head propped up, and the Mt Everest of Kleenex towering next to the couch.

But I am triumphant. I am more than a conqueror today. If Jesus decides to come thundering out of heaven this very night, I will not be ashamed. Because I will refuse to give Satan one inch of my heart or mind, and I will not lose hope in what God can accomplish even in this weak and tired body of mine.

That, my friends, is my plan for today. Tomorrow? Who knows. . . I don't want to think about it anymore. All I know is that today is a gift from God, and I will live it for Him.