Out of Control

Yesterday we went to a birthday party at the fire station for a little boy in Caleb's class. It was so sweet watching the kids excitedly climb all over the fire engines and talk to the firefighters.

And then it was time to open presents.

Have you ever watched 5 year olds at birthday parties? If not, I can sum up the experience in 3 words: out of control. Even though all of the kids know that the presents aren't for them, they have this insane need to claw their way to the front and get in the birthday boy's face and analyze his loot (of course, all of this at the expense of the softer and meeker 5 year olds who they have trampled on their way forward). I'm seriously not exaggerating.

Now, it might be easy for me to start feeling a little proud of my little guy in these moments. I could take credit and feel smug that his present was the last one opened because he was patiently circling around the outskirts of the mob waiting for his chance to offer the birthday boy his gift.

But that would be misplaced pride.

Caleb is no less consumed with receiving presents. He's just smaller and a little less aggressive than some of the other kids his age. I could try every tactic in the book to make him selfless at age 5, but it won't happen. He might not have been body slamming anyone to make it to the front of the mob, but his heart is filled with the same self-obsession that drove the others to such behavior (ok, ok, no one was actually body slamming. . . but almost. . . ).

Have you ever tried to explain to a 5 year old that it is more blessed to give than to receive? Do you have any idea how strange and completely impossible that seems to them?

I can promise you that I will do my best to instill a desire to give in my children. But I can also promise that this is a lesson that takes time, deeper understanding, and usually the Spirit of God moving within.

You know, these truths don't just apply to 5 year olds and selfishness.

I have experienced the goodness of God, the absolute truth of His word, and the amazing blessing that comes from walking with Him. I have found freedom and identity and great purpose through Christ, and my life is abundant and full and wonderful.

That doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It just means that everyday is a gift from my Father and with Him steadfast at my side there is nothing that will deter me or destroy me.

Have you experienced this? Do you know what this is like?

Oh. Words cannot express, can they? But have you ever tried to explain that great identity and joy and purpose to someone and have them deny the truths that you have experienced so fully? Have you ever been rejected for your faith by someone who finds it impossible to believe that what you are saying can actually be truth?

Makes me think of the birthday party. Now - don't get me wrong - I'm not comparing the maturity level or intellectual ability of unbelievers to 5 year olds. I am simply acknowledging that just like I cannot convince my 5 year old that it is really better to give than to receive, we cannot convince someone that our faith is real and that our God is good.

It doesn't matter how hard we try. I cannot take a heart that is against God and make it for God. I might have the most powerful story and the most perfect illustration. . . but it doesn't matter.

I can only do my best to impart the beauty and freedom and joy of the truths that I have learned. I can only pray that God will move in the hearts of those I love that they might see the truth of the words I speak.

I can see a little light in Caleb's heart. I think he'll get it one day. There will come a time when he will choose to bless someone else instead of hoarding everything for himself.

And I pray - quite desperately - that the same will happen in the hearts of dear friends and total strangers who have yet to experience the joy of complete surrender to Jesus. There will come a day when they will see Jesus and choose to believe that He is who He said He was, and that He can do what He said He can do.

Awesome Acts

When I was in high school (and college, for that matter) my dad had a funny habit of adding adjectives to boys' names who I seemed to be crushin' on. I don't remember all of them, but my prom date's nickname is forever cemented in my brain: Awesome Adam.

I'm sure Adam was, in fact, awesome, but I was unfortunately never able to experience that awesomeness first hand. Prom was a bit of a disaster for me, and I have to honestly admit that it was all my fault. But that is another story for another post. . .

If I was going to follow in my dad's foot steps and add adjectives to proper nouns (lets say, perhaps, books of the bible?) I have decided I would definitely use the word Awesome to describe Acts. Its not only perfect because it starts with an A, but because it is the best word I know of to describe the power, passion, and transformation that the book records.

Have you read Acts lately? If not, I think you should. Start at the beginning, and put yourself in the shoes of the Apostles who are experiencing these wild moments together for the very first time. . . I think you'll leave feeling much the same way I do.

All the believers lived in a wonderful harmony, holding everything in common. They sold whatever they owned and pooled their resources so that each person's need was met. They followed a daily discipline of worship in the Temple followed by meals at home, every meal a celebration, exuberant and joyful, as they praised God. People in general liked what they saw. Every day their number grew as God added those who were saved. Acts 2:44-47 (the message)

Awesome Acts. Need I say any more?

More Free

A few days ago I wrote about the freedom I have experienced through the work of Jesus in my life. Today I am experiencing a different kind of freedom (one that is seriously less significant and life changing, but one that I am lovin' nonetheless).

I have *officially* decided to stop posting links to my blog on Facebook when I write. You see, for the last few months, every time I posted on my blog I would put a link on my Facebook page so that all of my friends and family who enjoy reading my ramblings (but who often forget to check without reminders) would always know when I was writing. . .

But here is the problem with that routine: I always felt an intense pressure to write really fabulous posts so that they seemed worthy of posting on Facebook. Ugh. Pressure.

Sometimes I have profound thoughts (*sometimes* being the important word in that sentence), and sometimes I am simply putting words to the basic & elementary truths that are presently speaking to my soul. . .

It is immensely freeing to be able to process the ponderings of my heart without feeling the pressure of making it "Facebook worthy."

That's all. I'm just feeling excited about that tonight. . . =)

Poolside Reflections

Do you know that there is true freedom in Jesus? Do you even know what that means or what that looks like? Oh, let me tell you, when you experience it you will never want to turn back. Freedom in Christ is better than any liberty you could experience in this world.

I am quite certain that if you spoke to any Christian who has understood and experienced this freedom you would hear story after story that testifies to this beautiful reality. . . The first time I experienced and understood this freedom in a real and tangible way was in Israel. I might have shared this before, but I really love this story - so bear with me as I share it again. . .

We were in Israel together with Matt's parents. There were other youth leaders from all around the world gathering together in Jerusalem for a conference - it was unreal and amazing to see so many nationalities come together and worship Jesus.

There were a few incidents that brought out the reality of my insecurity and my enslavement to other people's opinions. I was shocked to realize how much I was still controlled by those kinds of feelings. . .

And then one day we went to visit the pools at Bethesda. This is the story that recounts what happened there one day 2,000 years ago. . .

Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda, and is surrounded by five covered colonades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie - the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time he asked, "Do you want to get well?" "Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me." Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. John 5:1-8

On that day I felt the power and presence and tender love of Christ in a way I had never experienced it before. There were guard rails separating us from the actual pools (which, by the way, were not filled with water). It took every ounce of self control within me to keep from climbing over the guard rail so that I could sit at the bottom of the pool. I suddenly - and very tangibly - felt healed of the insane insecurities that had controlled me for so long. It was simply amazing and completely transformational.

I wish I could take each one of you on a little trip to Israel and show you this place in person. I wish we could read the story of the healing at Bethesda and share what struggles in our own lives need the healing power and freedom of Jesus. . . But, since that is probably not going to happen any time soon, here is what this story revealed to me about freedom in Christ on that beautiful day:

1. We are never alone in our struggles. Did you notice that there were a "great number" of disabled people with this man? It is so easy to feel like we are the only ones who have failed, or who continue to struggle with sin. But the reality is that there are many among us who are facing the very same things. . .

2. It makes no difference how long you have struggled or how many times you have failed. This man was an invalid for 38 years, and Jesus still had the power - and the desire - to heal him. I think one of Satan's greatest tools in keeping us from experiencing freedom is Christ is convincing us that we've messed up too many times for way too long. . . We begin to believe that we are unworthy and just unable to actually experience healing and freedom. I hope you see that those words could not be further from the truth. It is never too late to be healed and freed and to then begin again.

3. We have no idea the great extent to which Jesus can and will heal us when we surrender to him. I have to laugh when Jesus asks this man if he wants to get well and the man responds with his frustration over never making it all the way to the pool. Seriously? Do you think he had any idea of what Jesus was about to do? This guy just wanted to get to the pool and Jesus is trying to offer complete physical restoration of his body. Our sight is so limited and our understanding of the powerful ways Christ can work in us is so narrow, isn't it?

You are not alone in your struggles - sinful or circumstantial. There is no struggle or sin too great for Jesus to heal and free you from. The healing that Jesus can and will bring goes far beyond what you can even begin to imagine.

There are still moments in my life when insecurity rears its ugly head, but I can tell you with amazed transparency that it is nothing like it was just 3 years ago. I am a different person - stronger, freer, and so much more comfortable in the skin that God knit together for me. I am what I am. . . and at the pools of Bethesda I realized something profound: I'm ok with that.

Where am I, you ask?

I am cleaning my house. Not at this precise moment, but in many of the moments that have recently passed that has been my activity of choice. I don't know why. I've never had this kind of obsession about keeping things picked up and clean before. It probably has something to do with the recent change in my cleaning routine. A friend introduced me to an environmentally friendly line of cleaning products that requires nothing but water to clean most everything in your house! Simply amazing. . .

But, the point of this blog is not to sell you green cleaning products (although I should just say one more time - they are amazing!!). The point of this blog is to share what God is doing in my life in the hope that it will then draw you nearer to Him as well. So why haven't I written much lately?

I have been cleaning. My house, yes, but my heart as well. I had a great conversation with a friend yesterday who had some encouraging insight into my seemingly strange change in behavior.

It has to do with the fact that for almost 5 years I was living a rather extreme existence. I was pouring myself out in friendships, in ministry, in worship, in writing posts for this blog, and with my kids. I was running at about 100 miles per hour and with little or no time to stop and rest. For the most part, I was loving every minute of it. I'm a social girl, and I seriously love doing ministry and being with friends.

But how long do you think someone can run at 100 miles per hour before they break? How long can we live in ways that - while fun and fulfilling in the moment - do very little to breathe life, and rest, and peace, and comfort to our souls?

I'm not just staying home more often and spending more time cleaning because I'm suddenly obsessed with a clean house. I'm staying home because without even conscientiously recognizing it I am swinging the pendulum the other direction and experiencing a time of rest.

And in this brilliant revelation there is a principle that applies to us all. Sometimes when we are living at an extreme in an area of our life, we need to swing the pendulum and live at the other extreme for a while in order for healing to begin.

I still love ministry, and doing fun stuff with my kids, and hanging out with dear friends. But in this strange period of hermit-like cleanliness I think I've restored some of the energy and passion and joy that was lost in the reckless running I had been doing for years. . . I've lived at the other extreme for a bit, and I'm ready to find the middle ground. I'm not sure what that will look like, but I'm kinda excited to find out. . .

If you're living at an unhealthy extreme today, I hope that you know its alright to swing the pendulum in the other direction for a time and enter a period of rest. I have come to learn that this is where the healing begins. . . But it isn't something we do on our own. We set Christ at the forefront of our minds and hearts and seek to know Him more as we walk through all of it.

You should come over some time. We can talk about the extreme you might be struggling with over a cup of coffee and you can ooh and ahh over my clean house. . . =)

Until then, may Jesus be your guide in it all!

Goodbye to the Pen

I started reading a book yesterday that has put fabulous words to one of the thoughts that has been rolling around in my head over the last couple of years. I am totally lovin' it. The book is called, "Sitting at the Feet of Rabbi Jesus," and the following quote is taken from the end of the 4th chapter. There it says this:

". . . at the sound of the shepherd's voice, like magic, the sheep separated again into three flocks. Apparently some things in Israel haven't changed for thousands of years. Just like these sheep, what distinguishes us is not so much the "pen" we inhabit but the shepherd we follow. Some sheep coming running as soon as their shepherd calls, but some struggle to obey his lead, going astray whenever temptation strikes. It takes a lot more energy to follow a wandering shepherd than to be cooped up in a pen. But we are called to be disciples of a Rabbi who is always on the move, one who wants us to go with him, making disciples to the ends of the earth. . . "

I read that paragraph and had a total "Aha!" moment. I have to admit, over the last few years I've developed some frustrations with the Christian church. I don't mean to be negative, but every time I looked at the churches around me I felt like something was seriously missing. . . like the call that Jesus gave and the mission that we inherited had somehow been watered down and marginalized. I think the sheep and the pen story perfectly illustrates and explains what has been plaguing my heart for a while.

As Christians, we have become consumed with our "pen." We have worked tirelessly to create easily identifiable boundaries for our churches, our kids, and anyone who wants to consider following Christ. We have poured our hearts and our money into church buildings, and we have spent countless hours in church meetings arguing over single words in our mission statements. . . All the while we have sat comfortably behind the gate of our pen, oblivious to the fact that the very One we have done all of this for is not inside the pen with us. He is standing outside. Waiting for us to leave the comfort of the Christian community we have created - leave the safety of the pen - and follow Him into the world.

I'm not trying to say that church buildings and mission statements are not important. We find encouragement, refreshment, and growth within the context of these things. . . But while they are good, they are not supposed to be our primary focus. The means have become the end, and suddenly we are suffocating in an environment where there is sometimes little to no connection between deepening our knowledge of the bible and living like Jesus in this messed up world. . .

I am praying that I would be brave enough to follow my Shepherd's voice no matter where it leads. . . Begging God to give me the strength to follow Him. . . even if it means leaving the comfort and familiarity of my pen.

Tunnel Vision Jesus Style

tunnel vision

n

1. (Medicine / Pathology) a condition in which peripheral vision is greatly restricted

2. narrowness of viewpoint resulting from concentration on a single idea, opinion, etc., to the exclusion of others

After Matt and I were first married I taught music at a middle school in the Northern suburbs of Chicago. It was a wealthy area, and I have to admit that I got a little consumed with the material side of life during those years. It was a difficult thing, though, because I was a public school teacher and Matt was in seminary, so there wasn't much I could do to satisfy those desires. We were, honestly, odd ducks in that part of town. I was surrounded by 6th graders who were carrying Louis Vuitton bags and on the (thankfully seldom) occasion that my car was unavailable I had to pull up to school in this:



Sweet, right? When Matt and I would cruise around town in this baby we would often receive an unfortunate greeting (involving a particular finger) for pretty much no good reason. I think people just didn't like to have to look at it. . .

But anyway, I found myself obsessing over things I wanted (and often couldn't have). If I saw a fabulous outfit I would begin organizing my life around finding a way to buy it. I developed tunnel vision focused on satisfying the material desires of my heart. And, unfortunately, as a result I lost the ability to see a lot of the blessings God was pouring over us at that time of life.

Thankfully God and I dealt with that whole issue years ago and I have widened my scope when it comes to the material things I think I need.

We all do that, though, don't we? Our team loses (or wins!) some big championship and we become so consumed with grief (or joy) over the event that our identity begins to be shaped by passion for our team. Or our boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with us and our whole world crashes down around us and we feel unlovable and insignificant. . . all the while completely losing sight of all of the people whose love for us is constant and of the great worth that we have in Christ.

Tunnel vision isn't just something that effects us in areas of life outside the church, though. Sometimes we develop tunnel vision when it comes to our faith, too.

We can become so consumed with the need for personal holiness that we forget that God calls us to go out into the world and interact with it. Or we become so motivated and impassioned about living the life that God has called us to that we can no longer see the grace the washes us clean and enables us to enter God's presence in the first place. . .

So much of the Christian life is a balance: grace and truth, free will and God's sovereignty, prayer and action. . . I can't help but ask the question, is tunnel vision ever ok? Is there any area in which we are called to have a "narrowness of viewpoint resulting from concentration to a single idea at the exclusion of others?"

My proposition: Yes.

In John 14:6 Jesus says this:

I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

When it comes to the source of our salvation, we don't need to look any farther. We don't need to widen the scope and look to other ideas or people to know and believe that we can be saved. I think tunnel vision that honors God is vision that focuses so much on Jesus that our whole lives are shaped by our understanding of and love for Him.

If you are struggling with the "tunnel vision" of believers around you, simply ask yourself this question: Is their tunnel vision focused on Jesus? Or have they let Jesus slide into the periphery and allowed other things (even good things!) to become the center of their line of sight?

Jesus-centered vision is the only vision that will satisfy our souls and draw us to God. We look to Him as our Savior for eternity, and we look to Him as our example for living life now!

I think there is a good reason for why kids in Sunday School always shout out "Jesus!" as the answer to pretty much every question. . . I think they've got the right idea.